Money Moral Dilemma: Should I let my three kids decide when my other son can have his inheritance?

Bellisima

Within my extended family a mother emotionally brainwashed her son by changing her will to make him sole beneficiary (he has a sister) if he would care for her during her battle with cancer.  She also told her daughter what she had done and the family fell apart.  The mother has since died but the siblings are still not speaking and the saddest thing is his child and her four children do not see each other at all.  Please treat your children equally, no matter their situation, or you will tear your children apart.  The mother was a very strange and controlling woman.  So very sad.

mecoprop

It would be a pretty boring thread if replies to MMDs were limited to 'yes' or 'no'.

Yes.

So, let's see - has anyone suggested that replies should be limited to 'yes' or 'no'?

Hmmm . . . no one, not me, not anyone at all. Nor has anyone, other than you, even suggested it.   Classic straw man, I think.   The  use of hugely excessive and unnecessary quotes that greatly exceed whatever the point is (if any) makes for a pretty boring thread too.  You illustrate my point very clearly indeed - so much verbiage that the POINT being made is lost. The key words in the very first line of my response were  "without answering the ACTUAL question at all" It stands.

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Sparklyanna

We're going through something very similar at present. 

My parent's solicitor is drafting several options which we'll put before our uncommunicative sibling, so they can see that we have thought about this with care and we're not excluding them.  We know they have endured tough times during their life and so our motivation is always to help and support our sibling.  How they respond to these options will help decide which one is finally chosen. 

Each option comes with some provisos and consequences, unique to our situation.  But the important thing is that each option is acceptable to us all  (i.e. the three communicative siblings and parent), so whichever option our sibling chooses, we will accept it and be able to carry it out.  This ensures our sibling is not left out of the decision making process and, in fact, is able to make the final choice.  However, they will need to understand the consequences of their choice and how it ultimately affects them, as each option presents very different outcomes.   

I hope this all makes sense, I didn't want to give too much away, due to the personal nature of our situation.   I really feel for your family and wish you the very best as you make your decision.

gloriouslyhappy

As others have said, don't put the onus on the three siblings to decide the outcome for the fourth. I understand why you are asking the question, but that line of approach will only cause resentment at an already stressful and sad time. I suggest you leave the estranged son's share in a trust for him and his child(ren), and meantime see what you can do to re-open lines of communication. He sounds ill or in trouble and in need of love, tough love if necessary, but he's definitely worthy of trying to re-engage with him.

honestcove

Bad idea. That’s even if your other 3 children are united in their desire to act as trustees for their errant sibling, and are also united with you in the belief of the correct and proper way to live one’s life.

BethP

I would treat all four children equally.  This is the fair thing to do

onylon

My mum probably felt the same about me at one point. The truth is that she was a very difficult woman to live with and I couldn't deal with her when I was already struggling. 

I think you need to ask yourself why your son has distanced himself at a time when most people would look to their family for support.

meknowalot-51

This is something that you have to sort out,so don't pass the buck.Have a chat with all of them individually and i'm sure you will be more aware of how you can start to help him out.You say that you don't want his share going up in smoke,there's never any guarantee that the other three are going to spend their's wisely.When the fourth recieve's his it could change him completely,what plans has he got,what idea's?I know people that have won large amounts on the lottery,some have found smallish amounts on the street,some have inherited large amounts and they have all done positive things with it.His inheritance could be the gamechanger for him,you need to talk and be prepared to help him out.

Deborah_Mary

Your fourth child has already severed his bonds of love with you. Now, you need to give him a choice: either he starts showing his love for you again, by speaking to you, or you sever all your ties with him - every one: emotional, financial, all of them. At present, your fourth child has you on the end of a piece of string, and he's causing you emotional turmoil. The only way to care for yourself, and end the turmoil, is to give him that choice, and act upon his response. Otherwise, you will never be free. Don't worry, if he chooses to let you sever all your ties with him, no harm will come to him. It will be his free choice. I say this from my own experience.

If you are leaving your estate to three children only, ask the solicitor who drafts your new will to draft a Statement of Intent for your executor to keep with your will. The Statement will explain how you have decided your will. The solicitor will discuss the content of the Statement with you so that you are completely satisfied with it.

mecoprop

Deborah_Mary said:

Your fourth child has already severed his bonds of love with you. Now, you need to give him a choice: either he starts showing his love for you again, by speaking to you, or you sever all your ties with him - every one: emotional, financial, all of them. 

Based on some unpleasant experience of your own, you probably mean well. But, as well as being another complete evasion of the question actually asked, it has probably not occurred to you that you are encouraging the OP to coerce the fourth child with direct threats of cutting off his inheritance in an effort to force him into "showing his love for you again".     
My impression of the OP is that he is not in any kind if turmoil nor has any need to protect himself. On the contrary, he sounds very calm, caring and sensible, simply asking opinions on "should I set up my will so my other three children can decide when the fourth can have his share?"
It's VERY common for parents to employ such financial threats in attempting to manipulate their children (and/or other beneficiaries). But I feel confident that this man's principles would not condone that kind of reprehensible behaviour.