Money Moral Dilemma: Should I let my three kids decide when my other son can have his inheritance?

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I'm going to update my will as it's Free Wills Month. Currently, my estate is split equally between my four children, but one of them doesn't work, spends his time playing video games and doing stuff he shouldn't. He stopped speaking to all of us 12 months ago saying no one supports him, even though he has a son who we all see and are involved with. I don't want to punish him, but should I set up my will so my other three children can decide when the fourth can have his share? I don't want it going up in smoke.

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Mojisola

MSE_Kelvin said:

Currently, my estate is split equally between my four children, but one of them doesn't work, spends his time playing video games and doing stuff he shouldn't.

He stopped speaking to all of us 12 months ago saying no one supports him, even though he has a son who we all see and are involved with.

I don't want to punish him, but should I set up my will so my other three children can decide when the fourth can have his share? I don't want it going up in smoke.

You could put one quarter of your estate into trust for your grandson (and any other children your son might have) and make the other three children trustees so that the money could only be used for the grandson's benefit.

seven-day-weekend

Put the inheritance in trust for your fourth son with a proviso that it can only be used (for example) for a house deposit.  I think it will cause bad feeling otherwise.

pjcox2005

Personally, I'd probably say keep it simple, give inheritances all at the same time, and prevents further arguments and hassle for the other three.

If the son has an addiction where a large inheritance could kill him (e.g. drugs/alcohol) then I may be more cautious, but ultimately if you give a gift (which inheritance is) then you have to accept the recipient can spend it how they see fit even if they waste it.

If the son being absent from your life is a factor to exclude or change an inheritance then that's another matter, but still take emotion slightly out of it as you'll be dead and give your other three children their amounts without the burden of having to argue or manage the 4th son.

MalMonroe

I'm also a parent and if it were me, with three children who seem fine and one who doesn't, I would really want to try to find out why that child was so unhappy that he 'doesn't work, spends his time playing video games and doing stuff he shouldn't. He stopped speaking to all of us 12 months ago saying no one supports him'. Why???

I would treat all of my children the same, regardless - and if I had four, they'd all get exactly the same in my will. No proviso. No trust for your other children to manage. But first I really would want to speak to and try to help the one who is so very unhappy. And I'd have to keep on trying, even in the face of rejection. Especially as you are on such good terms with his son. What is wrong? Why doesn't he want to speak to you all? He's being pushed further and further out because of his own prickly behaviour but he's obviously lonely, angry and upset. I really do feel very sorry for him. You brought him into the world, you're the adult here (even though he's an adult too) - he needs help. Please try to help him before it's too late.

Jim80

I have been in this situation with my step-brother, his mother was dying and wanted to organise her financials around inheritance. Out of 3 sons, one of them was in a similar situation and would have spent the money in weeks. Instead a discretionary trust was setup with a trustee being appointed to help manage the money. In this case the son/brother in question agreed that this was a good idea as he knew the outcome if all the money was given to him directly. He had a history of being bad with money. The difference here of course is that he was on good terms with his mother. 

thorsoak

I am in a situation where one son has virtually divorced himself from the rest of the family - he doesn't see his son or daughter since he remarried (and I'm the only one who has met his new wife  - and that was over three years ago, two years before he announced that he had just got married!   She has adult children and I feel that if when I die he receives a quarter of whatever I leave that it will go to his wife's children and his own children would get nothing.   So, on the advice of my solicitor whatever I leave will be divided into 10 portions - one portion to go to each of my nine grandchildren (including one step-grand who has been in our lives since he was a year old) and the final portion to be divided into four for my two sons and two daughters so that he will receive the same amount as his brother and sisters - but that I know that his children will receive the same as my other grandchildren.  

keithyno.1

I really don’t see there’s any Money Moral Dilemma here. Your assets are YOURS, to do with as you wish - they’re not held in trust until you die, to be passed on automatically to the next generation. Similarly, it’s completely up to you who you leave those assets to when you make a will. If you so wanted, you could leave it all to charities of your choice, or your best friend, or next door neighbour..in fact, anybody or any organisation at all.

So having clarified that, this is instead purely a family dilemma. It sounds like you’ve already decided that you want your estate split equally between your 4 children. If that’s the case, then leave it as it is. I don’t see how it’s fair to allow the other 3 to hold some kind of financial leverage over the 4th after your passing. It sounds to me like you’re actually questioning to yourself whether the 4th child should receive anything at all, due to the way he’s treated you and the rest of the family. So your other options would be, 1) cut him out of the will altogether and leave your estate in equal shares to the other 3, or 2) leave his ‘share’ to his son, thereby bypassing him altogether.

is that fair, many will be asking, to effectively cut the 4th child out of your will? Well, there’s only you fully knows your family situation, and so only you can decide. Sometimes life, and death, just isn’t fair. Some would argue your 4th child has made his bed so can lie in it, so to speak.

blue_pied

No!  Treat them all the same or not at all. Perhaps the fact that you would consider treating three of your children differently to the other one is an indicator of why he is feeling how he’s feeling currently. You should never give three of your children absolute power over another.  If you’re not happy about leaving him a share that he can access, find a different way to do it but it needs to be fair to all four of your children.

BristolHannah

Absolutely not!! Just because he chooses to live his life in a way that isn’t acceptable to you or compared to his siblings why does that make him any less entitled to what the other 3 siblings are getting? I cannot imagine planning on treating children so differently. If you’re giving away your money to your children surely it becomes their choice as to how they spend it. Inheritance shouldn’t come with conditions

AstonSimon

Whatever you do, don't give your other children control over their brother's inheritance. It will cause resentment, strife & tension, and be very stressful for the siblings.  If you feel you must appoint a trustee, try to find a disinterested party. Another option would be to leave his share directly to your grandson. If you do this, make sure he knows why. (If you don't want to tell him now, put a reason for what you are doing in your will.)

I wonder if your son is suffering from depression or other mental health issues? You say that you don't have much contact, so encouraging him to get help may be difficult. Not that that sort of thing is ever exactly easy. Also, you will need to keep tabs on the situation so that you can update your will if things change. You don't give your age, but it would be unpleasant for him if he suddenly finds on your death that he has been disinherited because he had mental health issues, as then undiagnosed, when you wrote your will say 30 years previously.

On another note, think about what you want to happen if any of your children die before you. Would you want your estate to be divided between your surviving children, or would you want their share to go to their children?