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Is this very different from discovering hubby has been 'enjoying' adult material? Would that be massively frowned upon? Genuine question
I think the issue isn't the material but the secrecy. If you talk about these things openly in a relationship and all parties are OK with it, then fine. If you feel you have to do something like this in secret, then that's the issue. And if one party thought this was OK and then discovered that it upset their partner, there is a decision to make and a conversation to be had/compromise to be found.
The OP posted in September and hasn't logged on again since 1 October.
You appear to be talking to yourselves.
The OP could be lurking and reading still. If not, then others might find the discussion helpful.
I'd rather be kind.
I don't think it's a case of not being kind.
Necroposting can waste people's time if they don't realise the thread is not current - this was posted over 3-and-a-half months ago - by giving advice to someone who is not listening.
I agree that 'others might find the discussion useful' if the subject is something like 'I've burned one of my saucepans, how can I clean it?' but doubt that anyone would get anything useful from this - especially as the OP made just the one post.