Overreacting to sexting

Username03725

Can I be blunt?

Men do look at women's bosoms, and sometimes your other curvey bits. Sorry, we do. We've had 30-50 years of being told it's wrong and we agree but the message has a couple of million years' worth of evolution to overcome so it might not be 100% compliance for a while. My wife tells me you lot do the same, albeit more from a checking out the competition pov, rather than the blokes' more physical viewpoint.

Engaging in a conversation? That's also something that happens, often in a working environment. It's called flirting and can range from completely innocent innocuous chat to something more extreme, but IME it's never been anything more than a bit of fun and a small diversion from the dreariness of working in the same place every day. I've done it (flirty chat) but would never dream of taking it further, in fact I would and have run a mile if there was any hint of it going further. I wouldn't announce it to my wife but she knows that I've developed friendships that are a little bit closer than just working relationships. Neither of us see it as an issue. The point of this paragraph is to show that blokes can have a little bit of interest in the opposite sex, especially when it's not in danger of going anywhere, and is 'out of sight', in fact it's quite nice to occasionally get a reminder that 'you still have it'. It doesn't mean we'll go anywhere with that info, for some (me at least) that's more than enough.

You might not like that but it happens, and that's what's happened here - your old fellah has found a little bit of ego boost that he thought was ok and wasn't something to bother you about, and you've found it. It's almost certain that he wouldn't have taken it further, especially now.  And had he had a drink or two? A bit of arm's length fun, his gaurd was down, he thought it was a harmless bit of fun. You're ok to react, but what then? You can't even look at him you say? Probably time to divorce him tbh unless you both want the rest of your lives to be spent in an empty tense loveless marriage, all because he did something a bit stupid but really quite harmless.

You could ask him if he's ever looked at !!!!!!. Apparently almost all men have seen it at some point - there was a story of a university wanting to compare how attitudes differed between men who had viewed !!!!!!, and those that hadn't. They couldn't find any that hadn't. Armed with that, what do you do then? Men are visual creatures. That's the crux of it. In a couple more generations maybe it will have been knocked out of us, but as above, 2m years is a lot to fight against.

strawb_shortcake

Username03725 said:

Can I be blunt?

Men do look at women's bosoms, and sometimes your other curvey bits. Sorry, we do. We've had 30-50 years of being told it's wrong and we agree but the message has a couple of million years' worth of evolution to overcome so it might not be 100% compliance for a while. My wife tells me you lot do the same, albeit more from a checking out the competition pov, rather than the blokes' more physical viewpoint.

Engaging in a conversation? That's also something that happens, often in a working environment. It's called flirting and can range from completely innocent innocuous chat to something more extreme, but IME it's never been anything more than a bit of fun and a small diversion from the dreariness of working in the same place every day. I've done it (flirty chat) but would never dream of taking it further, in fact I would and have run a mile if there was any hint of it going further. I wouldn't announce it to my wife but she knows that I've developed friendships that are a little bit closer than just working relationships. Neither of us see it as an issue. The point of this paragraph is to show that blokes can have a little bit of interest in the opposite sex, especially when it's not in danger of going anywhere, and is 'out of sight', in fact it's quite nice to occasionally get a reminder that 'you still have it'. It doesn't mean we'll go anywhere with that info, for some (me at least) that's more than enough.

You might not like that but it happens, and that's what's happened here - your old fellah has found a little bit of ego boost that he thought was ok and wasn't something to bother you about, and you've found it. It's almost certain that he wouldn't have taken it further, especially now.  And had he had a drink or two? A bit of arm's length fun, his gaurd was down, he thought it was a harmless bit of fun. You're ok to react, but what then? You can't even look at him you say? Probably time to divorce him tbh unless you both want the rest of your lives to be spent in an empty tense loveless marriage, all because he did something a bit stupid but really quite harmless.

You could ask him if he's ever looked at !!!!!!. Apparently almost all men have seen it at some point - there was a story of a university wanting to compare how attitudes differed between men who had viewed !!!!!!, and those that hadn't. They couldn't find any that hadn't. Armed with that, what do you do then? Men are visual creatures. That's the crux of it. In a couple more generations maybe it will have been knocked out of us, but as above, 2m years is a lot to fight against.

I agree with a lot of what you say, but there does appear to be a difference in your relationship compared to the OP's and that you communicate with your wife and you seem to be quite honest open and secure in your relationship as well as a level of confidence in yourself. 
Take away one or more of those elements or another not considered or mentioned then you end up with a reaction like the OP had. 
My Husband and I have both found others attractive, noticed body parts and one or both may well have even looked at adult material in the past, and as a general rule it hasn't been an issue, but if I was feeling low, fat etc then on those occasions I may not feel quite so ambivalent about those things. 

How the OP was feeling and not wanting too look at him may well be seen as an overreaction, but you can't always help how you feel, and it would be the time to reflect on why they feel the way they do, but the partner should be using the time to reassure her and try to make her feel better.

I have no idea what Telegram is, but having used social media for several years I've never recieved a message like the OPs husband did, but maybe they target men?? The odd advert maybe saying there are 50 women in the next village looking for love which is clearly a big fat lie.

pjcox2005

If he can show it was a one off and not to someone he knows, which it sounds like is the case then I would say you are overreacting.

He hasn't been sneaky about it, he hasn't stopped you from accessing his phone with change of passcode etc. so it sounds like a mistake when bored looking for some excitement/intrigue (although not even enough to pay for it).

Have an open conversation but i wouldn't throw out a good relationship for this personally. I also wouldn't take it personally, yes he could have sexted you but i expect he was more intrigued by service and what they'd say rather than not being attracted to you still.

caprikid1

"He hasn't been sneaky about it, he hasn't stopped you from accessing his phone with change of passcode etc. so it sounds like a mistake when bored looking for some excitement/intrigue (although not even enough to pay for it)".

The fact you could access his phone tells you bundles !

Either talk it through like adults, rebuild the trust and move on

Or go see a solicitor.

LippyDoodle

Username03725 said:

Can I be blunt?

Men do look at women's bosoms, and sometimes your other curvey bits. Sorry, we do. We've had 30-50 years of being told it's wrong and we agree but the message has a couple of million years' worth of evolution to overcome so it might not be 100% compliance for a while. My wife tells me you lot do the same, albeit more from a checking out the competition pov, rather than the blokes' more physical viewpoint.

Engaging in a conversation? That's also something that happens, often in a working environment. It's called flirting and can range from completely innocent innocuous chat to something more extreme, but IME it's never been anything more than a bit of fun and a small diversion from the dreariness of working in the same place every day. I've done it (flirty chat) but would never dream of taking it further, in fact I would and have run a mile if there was any hint of it going further. I wouldn't announce it to my wife but she knows that I've developed friendships that are a little bit closer than just working relationships. Neither of us see it as an issue. The point of this paragraph is to show that blokes can have a little bit of interest in the opposite sex, especially when it's not in danger of going anywhere, and is 'out of sight', in fact it's quite nice to occasionally get a reminder that 'you still have it'. It doesn't mean we'll go anywhere with that info, for some (me at least) that's more than enough.

You might not like that but it happens, and that's what's happened here - your old fellah has found a little bit of ego boost that he thought was ok and wasn't something to bother you about, and you've found it. It's almost certain that he wouldn't have taken it further, especially now.  And had he had a drink or two? A bit of arm's length fun, his gaurd was down, he thought it was a harmless bit of fun. You're ok to react, but what then? You can't even look at him you say? Probably time to divorce him tbh unless you both want the rest of your lives to be spent in an empty tense loveless marriage, all because he did something a bit stupid but really quite harmless.

You could ask him if he's ever looked at !!!!!!. Apparently almost all men have seen it at some point - there was a story of a university wanting to compare how attitudes differed between men who had viewed !!!!!!, and those that hadn't. They couldn't find any that hadn't. Armed with that, what do you do then? Men are visual creatures. That's the crux of it. In a couple more generations maybe it will have been knocked out of us, but as above, 2m years is a lot to fight against.

Women are more visual then you think. There is nothing wrong in looking. You say that you also flirt, but there is flirting and there is flirting. We can all have a flirt, start some banter and joke away and I think that's what you are referring to? 

From many years of going in chatrooms, men do not start an "innocent" private converstation. They make their intentions very clear from the onset and none were shy in saying they were married. Somethimes I'd have to close my whispers because it was relentless, it was like a cattle market and I just went in the bog standard chatrooms and not some of the more adult one shall we say. It's a quick fix, they feel brave behind a screen and for some reason don't feel or pretend its not a way of cheating. I'd ask them how they would feel if their wife was in here looking for cyber sex. Most often they would say, but she wouldn't. To which I'd say, she probably thinks the same about you too. So off they would go on to the next woman. It's just a game to them, but such a disrespectful and hurtful one.

I agree with what another poster has said in that you and your wife have a good relationship and you TRUST each other. Sounds as if you both know where you each would draw the line. 

I really feel for the OP because for her, her world has fallen apart. Her confidence is in her boots and she's hiding away from the world and she's not done anything wrong. Evidence of what something like this can do to someone. Just to be fair to men, I knew of women (not many) who were just as bad. 

blueberrygerry

Username03725 said:

Can I be blunt?

Men do look at women's bosoms, and sometimes your other curvey bits. Sorry, we do. We've had 30-50 years of being told it's wrong and we agree but the message has a couple of million years' worth of evolution to overcome so it might not be 100% compliance for a while. My wife tells me you lot do the same, albeit more from a checking out the competition pov, rather than the blokes' more physical viewpoint.

Engaging in a conversation? That's also something that happens, often in a working environment. It's called flirting and can range from completely innocent innocuous chat to something more extreme, but IME it's never been anything more than a bit of fun and a small diversion from the dreariness of working in the same place every day. I've done it (flirty chat) but would never dream of taking it further, in fact I would and have run a mile if there was any hint of it going further. I wouldn't announce it to my wife but she knows that I've developed friendships that are a little bit closer than just working relationships. Neither of us see it as an issue. The point of this paragraph is to show that blokes can have a little bit of interest in the opposite sex, especially when it's not in danger of going anywhere, and is 'out of sight', in fact it's quite nice to occasionally get a reminder that 'you still have it'. It doesn't mean we'll go anywhere with that info, for some (me at least) that's more than enough.

You might not like that but it happens, and that's what's happened here - your old fellah has found a little bit of ego boost that he thought was ok and wasn't something to bother you about, and you've found it. It's almost certain that he wouldn't have taken it further, especially now.  And had he had a drink or two? A bit of arm's length fun, his gaurd was down, he thought it was a harmless bit of fun. You're ok to react, but what then? You can't even look at him you say? Probably time to divorce him tbh unless you both want the rest of your lives to be spent in an empty tense loveless marriage, all because he did something a bit stupid but really quite harmless.

You could ask him if he's ever looked at !!!!!!. Apparently almost all men have seen it at some point - there was a story of a university wanting to compare how attitudes differed between men who had viewed !!!!!!, and those that hadn't. They couldn't find any that hadn't. Armed with that, what do you do then? Men are visual creatures. That's the crux of it. In a couple more generations maybe it will have been knocked out of us, but as above, 2m years is a lot to fight against.

How the hell do you know what has "happened here" exactly?

You mean, you've read what the guy has said, and, have taken that as gospel yes?

Anyway, no matter what the motivation or intention was, it's not right and he would know it. Yet he still chose to do it. Whether you see it that way or not, those actions do bring I to question how trustworthy someone is, and, any partner would not be wrong to be deeply offended.

Jeez.

sheramber

To me there is a  deeper issue of a lack of trust in the marriage

My husband often travelled abroad for work.  He visited topless bars with the group he was with. He visited a masseuse, out of curiosity.

He shared  these with me when he came back and told me about his trip.

  It didn't upset me. I didn't feel threatened in any way. I was quite secure in my  marriage which lasted 53 years.

TuppenceWorth

Very interesting discussion...

Is this very different from discovering hubby has been 'enjoying' adult material?
Would that be massively frowned upon?
Genuine question 

london21

You have a right to react the way you reacted.
You do not need to feel worthless or embarrassed.

Communication and trust are essential for a successful relationship. When you are ready you will both need to have honest discussion about what you will and won't tolerate etc. 

He might be hiding something, time will tell.

Claddagh_Noir

I am sorry you have had to go through this JoJo. 

May I ask and I am by no means making excuses for your husband but have things dwindled a bit your the relationship?   For instance, is there stresses at work  / both working from home and around eachother all the time?  Are there any kids?   Because it sounds to me that he was looking for an ego boost - again this is no excuse.

I really would not know what to do if I were in your situation but I DO NOT think you are over-reacting.  I can understand that you do not want him near you or to touch you.  I would not call this cheating per se but it is a form of betrayal. 

I do think you need to have a frank discussion with him to see if things can be fixed, that is if you want things to be fixed.  I agree with a previous commentor, it is very toxic to be in the same household and there is hostility if you are not talking to eachother. 

This woman he was messaging should not be a threat to you because it sounds like he has a cat in hecks chance in meeting her and she could be talking to copious other suckers to get money out of them for her OnlyFans account. 

There was a celebrity in the last week who dumped her fiance because he was sexting, video chatting and actually met other women.  I say good for her for dumping him. 

Either way, I hope things are resolved for you soon.