Overreacting to sexting

xxjojo1986xx

Am I over reacting? 

Me and hubby went  away for the night. We had a lovely day finished off by watching  a show in the evening. 

 back at the  hotel hubby fell asleep. I couldn’t sleep so took his phone to look at the photos he had taken that day And he had left telegram open. 

I found some dirty messages. 

Next morning tell him to stay away from me. His excuse was he was just bored one night so replied to one of those messages you get online for a laugh and to see how far he could push it before being asked for Money. 

The message was some thing like home saying yeah my day got better once I got your video and it escalated from there. She did ask for money to go to only fans but he didn’t have any but carried on the conversation and then even messaged her the day after saying morning sexy. 

I can’t see any message in his emails to link to this though. Junk/deleted ect 

I just can’t look at him and I don’t want to be anywhere near him. 

I don’t know what to do and feel I’m over reacting. 

I don’t want him looking at me I feel embarrassed and worthless.  

MalMonroe

You are reacting - but you are definitely NOT over-reacting. He has been exchanging intimate/sexy messages with someone who isn't you in a very sneaky and underhanded way. You are acting perfectly normally in that situation. I'm not sure why YOU are feeling embarrassed and worthless, though! That's how he should be feeling.

There's no way that he "was just bored one night so replied to one of those messages you get online for a laugh and to see how far he could push it before being asked for Money".  He's probably been enjoying himself but now he's been caught out and is lying about it.

If you're bored any night, you don't reply to that kind of message, you find something to do. Like - read a book, watch a programme, take your wife to the pub, go to the cinema, write a letter, phone a relative, clean the kitchen. You don't start exchanging dirty messages with a stranger.

When you feel able, you and he do need to talk. There's obviously something missing for him, if he's having to be sneaky and underhanded.  And you've been missing something if he's been sneaking around sending private messages to a stranger. Sounds like you need to be very honest with each other about what you both want from your marriage - it's not all about him and his needs. 

My ex and I made the big mistake of not being open and honest and failing to talk things through. Sometimes things get to the point of no return.

If you value your husband and your marriage, my advice is for you to start talking to each other, honestly and openly. When you can bear it, of course.

LippyDoodle

You have no reason to feel worthless or embarrassed. I don't think you over react, in fact I think you were very restrained in your approach to your findings. Personally I wouldn't have let him sleep, I'd have woke him up by throwing his phone at his head. HIs behaviour is unexceptable. Would he be ok with it if the roles were reverse? I don't think so.  

I agree with MelMonroe in that he feels something is missing. That's no reflection on you by the way. It might just be he needs a bit of excitement. Talk to each other, see if there is something you both can do and feel comfortabe with to bring back some excitment into your relationship, after all things can get a little bit stale. Make date nights, send sexy texts to each other throughout the day, flirt with him etc.

Above all do not let it knock your confidence. Take care.

74jax

xxjojo1986xx said:

Am I over reacting? 

Me and hubby went  away for the night. We had a lovely day finished off by watching  a show in the evening. 

 back at the  hotel hubby fell asleep. I couldn’t sleep so took his phone to look at the photos he had taken that day And he had left telegram open. 

I found some dirty messages. 

Next morning tell him to stay away from me. His excuse was he was just bored one night so replied to one of those messages you get online for a laugh and to see how far he could push it before being asked for Money. 

The message was some thing like home saying yeah my day got better once I got your video and it escalated from there. She did ask for money to go to only fans but he didn’t have any but carried on the conversation and then even messaged her the day after saying morning sexy. 

I can’t see any message in his emails to link to this though. Junk/deleted ect 

I just can’t look at him and I don’t want to be anywhere near him. 

I don’t know what to do and feel I’m over reacting. 

I don’t want him looking at me I feel embarrassed and worthless.  

Why do you feel you are over reacting? If a friend told you this scenario, is this what you would say? I only ask as different people have different 'levels' of reacting. If this is over reacting to you then do you want to or are you happy with how you dealt with it (you can over react but still be OK with that).

I'm not sure why you are embarrassed. Unless you have missed something out.

Re the feeling worthless. I'm hoping your husband is bending over backwards to change this. Yes it comes from within, but he needs to now show what he has done he is sorry for. I can't imagine my husband being 'ok' if it was me doing that and I'd be grovelling like mad. 

xxjojo1986xx

Thank you for your advice 

xxjojo1986xx

I think I feel worthless because it wasn’t me he was messaging. It’s like if he sees me I’d be compared like look at you compared to those boobs I saw the other night kind of thing. 

He’s assured me it’s not like him and he doesn’t know why he did it. 

I just feel sick and I don’t want him near me or to look at him. 

Im hiding in my own home. And it was only the one message I found and it wasn’t anyone we know personally. Think that’s why I think I’m over reacting.
but I can’t get over it.  

Im so confused. 

But your  replies have really helped me. 

Thank you 

MovingForwards

It is really hard. There's a million and one things rushing round your head including what has this person got I haven't, why did he do that, why not speak with me, why not sexy text me and it does make you feel like poo, knocks confidence, become overly critical about yourself.

It's normal not to want to see him or be touched by him. 

What I pick up on is you suspected something, otherwise you wouldn't have had a look at his phone. Gut feeling is a wonderful thing, but also makes it hard to unsee what you've seen.

Now, where do you want to go from here? 

Counseling, alone, is a good start. It helps you work through initial thoughts and feelings.

You can both try and work it out, that takes effort by both, but especially your husband. It involves openness and honesty. It's not an overnight fix, but things can get better and be a lot better than before.

xxjojo1986xx

Thanks I think it’s going to take time I genuinely hope I stop feeling like this. But for now I can’t be near him. 

It was just me going on his phone as I had tasked him with photo taking for the day as his camera was better than mine. And when I unlocked the phone telegram was open. It was the only message from a random on there. Wish I had never opened it. And I never managed to get around to looking at the photos he had taken that day xxx

sevenhills

If he is telling the truth, I wouldn't worry. But it does put doubt there, that will need clearing up.

LippyDoodle

@xxjojo1986xx

Just wondering how you are? 

Exodi

xxjojo1986xx said:

he was just bored one night so replied to one of those messages you get online for a laugh

Personally I find this quite offensive. Of all the excuses...

How would he feel if you were engaging in sexual conversations with strangers as a bit of light hearted banter? Can't imagine he'll be slapping his knee at the idea.