My Plans of Actions and Dreams

debtfreewannabe321

Some days I feel emotionally drained, I think it is because I am holding back some event or something that happened in the past and it keeps trying to come up, I felt that I would go very low if I let go and allow it to come to the fore. I mean life below the shiX heap low, below 10 ft of CRAX low, I don't know what it is but has anyone else ever experienced this? This is probably not the place but it is about me and this diary is about me and my desire to be financially free, which in essence is me. Sorry to bring it here if no one wants to read, but I am curious about what it means? I also think this is what is holding me back from succeeding.

I have C-PTSD, from childhood, a couple of events that happened as a young adult and my first marriage where I basically married a carbon copy of my father in many ways. I lived my first 4 decades (just under actually) in fight, flight, fear or fawn. Always surviving never thriving. It was only when I cut contact with 1- my father, 2- my now exH and also 3- much contact with my mum (not my abuser but she stood aside and let it occur) that I finally felt something lift. But as it did...........I crashed. Hard. I let it all come back to me, and up from the depths, I had many flashbacks and traumas resurface, and worked through it, processed, dealt with a lot, cut cords where needed and made time to heal ME (cried, screamed, exhausted myself as well as learned to love and heal myself). I noticed it was when I was finally able to be alone, that I felt safe enough to process everything. I didn't need to be in fight/flight mode any more. I could process and heal. This only happened because I lived with just me and the kids and had minimal contact with people who hurt me. I don't know your past or your traumas or who caused them, nor how long you have lived alone. But do you think your body, soul feels 'safe' now and is trying to process these traumas and release them now it feels that you don't need to be constantly in survival mode? Hope this makes sense? I have thought about this a lot and read so many self-help books. I thoroughly recommend one c-ptsd  one, albeit it it is a tough read in some bits and can make you dip further when reading but it offers practical solutions as well as making you not feel alone. Let me know if you want the name of it. It might be worthwhile seeking out some counselling, not everyone is able to work through this on their own. Sending hugs and I hope you get the temp job very soon

MFWannabe

HotDog2020 said:

I have a call this afternoon regarding a temp role, 6 months worth of work and MD said she would help towards some lifetime guarantee flooring and I will pay her back over time, she may say at some point say that I don't have to pay anymore as she is feeling pretty generous today! But I plan on paying back £100 PM when I am in work which will eventually happen, I have had options I didn't go down, I may pay her back more, I am unsure, it would be nice to clear it equally it will be nice to get the flooring put in, that would be one job done.

Some days I feel emotionally drained, I think it is because I am holding back some event or something that happened in the past and it keeps trying to come up, I felt that I would go very low if I let go and allow it to come to the fore. I mean life below the shiX heap low, below 10 ft of CRAX low, I don't know what it is but has anyone else ever experienced this? This is probably not the place but it is about me and this diary is about me and my desire to be financially free, which in essence is me. Sorry to bring it here if no one wants to read, but I am curious about what it means? I also think this is what is holding me back from succeeding.

Today I took MD to the shops and we bought groceries we can't get online, I hate that I have to go in to get the groceries I want, why can't they sell everyhting I need online? I am soo tired.

O.A.O.

How did the phone call go? 

I agree reference the flooring; leave it until you are working. You state you want to be financially free which I believe won’t happen until you get a job and are financially independent of anyone or anything (credit) 
Ref your past; would counselling help?

beanielou

Positive vibes for tomorrow. 

MFWannabe

Good Luck for tomorrow 🤞
Remember 6 months temporary could lead to permanent and means you look a better candidate to other potential employers 
Also means you’re earning money 💰 

debtfreewannabe321

Good  luck 🤞🏻 🤞🏻 

MFWannabe

How was the interview? 

MFWannabe

Oh that’s good 👍 Fingers crossed you get good news on Wednesday 🤞What a brilliant Christmas present that would be x 
You sound much more positive today 👍

debtfreewannabe321

I hope today is  good day Hotdog. I am struggling myself at the moment with the black cloud over me. I am convinced I have SAD as I always feel this way when the nights are dark and the days are short. I have my fingers crossed for a good outcome for Wednesday!

debtfreewannabe321

Do you just have one quote for flooring? Perhaps get a couple more in before deciding. There maybe some January sales too to help...I paid for my last house on 0% interest which didn't work out too much every month?

MFWannabe

HotDog2020 said:

Guess who has a second interview and guess who also has a first interview for another employer on the day after Moi! Yes I can almost feel the job coming into fruition, both reputable companies this time, I think it will be the interview tomorrow but lets see.

I think I want to get the flooring done as soon as possible but I also want to make OPs to the mortgage to build up what I have taken again, it looks like I will get a bit of help towards the floor after all, but we will see. First the job then the floor. There are holes in it, it looks a state, like the bathroom was needed then the floor is needed now! It will improve the flat quite a bit. I am also going to get the cupboard taken down in the spare room to make a better living space for the potential new lodger.

Maybe I should look around for other flooring, thinking I should be more MSE!

Yeah that’s great news for you 👏
is the second interview for the job that you were due to hear from by tomorrow? Or another?