A new chapter, An empty nest, Drama school & Last year of Uni

Spendless

I moved across surplus wages into savings around 8pm, only for a friend to ask me around 9pam about going on a theatre trip in the Autumn  and booking tickets and needing money sent across, which was done, so moved savings back only to move it all again this morning so the tickets have been paid from this month's wages, not last months I know it's all psychological but still - next time I move end of money round, I won't do it till after 10pm -lol

The last few days have been tough. There was an incident involving DD, where she tried to arrange something for her group from a prize she'd won some months earlier. This was ok'd by the person in her group who is in a role as stage management. When the course tutor discovered DD had arranged something, he was nasty and unpleasant to her about it, some of it  witnessed by another member of staff - who said she would make a complaint about him -  and pretty much undid several years of hard work from the last few years by reminding her of her  schooldays, a time  where she was the subject of widespread psychological bullying and pretty much caused her to have a breakdown at only 15 years old.  DD spoke to  student services who she didn't find that helpful and with spiralling emotions contacted a well known charity for their listening services - they asked how much DD could get away from her environment so we ended up using the last of DH's loyalty points to book her an o/night hotel a short distance from where she lives. She wanted to come home, but had already arranged to go for a brunch with a girl she knows from the world of pageantry in another county, since the girl had already booked the tickets and we felt it would be beneficial for her to meet with someone her own age but not from her current world, so she came home after the brunch ended in the afternoon. . Having not gone in   to drama school for a few days past the incident she also told her workplace (where she has a zero hour contract) that she wouldn't be in due to returning home due to a MH issue. However she posted a pic of herself at the brunch on SM (perhaps not the wisest thing to do) and her workplace assumed she  had been on a night out and was too drunk to come in thinking the post had been posted  the early hours before a shift instead of the afternoon the day before work. They messaged DD with this accusation when she was at our house, having not gone out of our house, the whole time she was here. She in turn pointed out that she had flagged there was an issue a few days before and the reason she wouldn't b at work, pointed out that it had been posted in an afternoon and that they'd stalked her SM in order to jump to conclusions and that a photo can be uploaded at any time of day, it doesn't mean you're currently there and sent them a screenshot of the call she made to the listening charity. They then backtracked and told DD of all the counselling she could access through work only for another  manager (personally I think they all sound like teenage/very young supervisors) to start their shift and take the original stance, to cut a long story short, DD told them she was quitting with immediate effect. DH ran DD back, cost an o/night stay in a hotel, having used up all his loyalty points and talked her through the options of how to word a complain to her drama school - the process of which she's still in.

The next thing to happen was it has come to light how much money DS and Dil2b have handed over to pay for their wedding, with no clear indicator of exactly what the costs have been and not fully what they have paid for. It has wiped out the bride to be's life savings. DS didn't have any having spent his the first year he went to Uni. The spiralling costs as far as I can see have been down to the sheer amount of guests invited by the other party - on our side this amounts to less than a 1/3 and if we had been asked to be involved  in every or even any  step of the way we could have come up with ways to reduce costs and work within a budget. Having asked for a breakdown of any outstanding bills, we took on 3, which were the most expensive ones, weren't solely personal  to the bride and  also had a set price. DH on asking for the details to contact the supplier directly discovered that the prices we'd been given were only estimates and are so far (on the 2 that have come back to us) more expensive than the price we were initially given by £250.

It's too late now to resolve we can only go for damage limitation. It's highly likely we will need to go into savings to pay for this. It does mean if I'm not successful in applying for my job I will need to find another asap. 

DH goes back to the US to work at the end of the week. I think I'm going to try for as many NSD as possible whilst he is gone. Think I'm back on the same sort of challenge I was when saving for DD's rent (thank goodness I managed that!) here we go on the next ride ..wheeeeeeee! 

KxMx

I can understand that DD needed some financial support, but I think you are very generous to step in for DS and Dil2b.

Perhaps you could make sure they know bank of Mum and Dad will be shutting up shop after the wedding, otherwise the expectations that you and DH will fund things just carries on. 

It would be a good money management lesson for them having to live within their means, and good for your own finances which will end up being much more difficult to resolve than they need to be, should you decide to continue funding things for them. 

For what it's worth, I'm in my 30's, on minimal disability benefits and live alone. I absolutely do not expect my parents to give me money, ever. I would find it mortifying. If they ever tried I would say thanks but no thanks. I live within my means and if I can't afford the outlay on something I save up until I have enough.

Spendless

I do agree. The organisation of this wedding has been very much taken over by other family members rather than  by the bride and groom. It is a family member that the savings have been handed over to, in some cases with no clear idea of exactly where the costs have been spent or if they have been  any under-estimated prices (like we discovered) We said  we would help financially with their day  in the first place but have had 2 requests  from said family members for money, one at the beginning when I'd just started this diary and wasn't in the right headspace to clarify anything or talk details through, which were far more rushed into than I'd even realised. That only came to light a couple of weeks ago due to a chance conversation. I do regret not speaking up when we were told of a date to be married that DS would be a student for half of the engagement and we had an overlapping year of supporting DS and DD through her studies and I wasn't working. All thoughts I had, but it was already too late a date had been set. 

The latest request  for money from the family members  was following us paying a bill that I wasn't expecting to be paid for by anyone else (for personal reasons). After that message DH started asking more questions about what had been paid for and by who and what was left , that's when we discovered what we did. I'm having to be deliberately vague here because I'm aware this is an open forum so I hope people can read between the lines  Whilst there are some things I certainly think can be done without, I couldn't care less if a wedding has chair covers, favours or table decs, there are things that I do expect as standard eg photos, cake (again I'm just using these as examples but you get the general idea) . We have taken 2 standard costs and 1 'you could manage without, but I suspect it's already been ordered' as our contribution, some of it is through connections so on 'mates rates' but we should have been involved in this all from the off, not finding out by chance. 

I'm not excusing DS and Dil2b in this, they're adults, both have degrees and tongues in their heads and could have spoken up or talked to us, I suppose it is very hard to not do what you have always done.

FWIW though DD's recent expenses were an emergency, she has and does cost us more financially than DS ever has. 

Spendless

The previous weekend I found tough. DD not wanting to be where she is currently studying due to the week before  events and her best friends there returning to their families, so alone without friends and of course no longer any job, she asked to return home  and visit a friend whose at Uni another 40 miles away. I agreed to pay her travel, unfortunately rail strikes meant the prices had risen a lot  on the available trains.

Add in I helped a friend out to pay for her prescriptions. I have been friends with this person for many years and she is a very good friend, but she has money difficulties. Normally I meet any requests to borrow money with a No because previously I haven't been repaid until a long time later or the request to borrow  it back comes within days, sometimes hours. For that reason I have only helped out once since with a monetary gift  rather than a loan in an emergency and not as much as requested. However after I said No last weekend, I was told that the money was being requested to pay for prescriptions (without which friend would be hospitalised within days), so I agreed to lend the money, but would send a day later on payday. This I did and then got another message from my friend saying a bill had gone out that she hadn't realised would so could I lend another tenner. I agreed but on condition she got ready to go the chemist and once she was on her way, I would send the money (in case there were further 'unknown' bills turn up). Several times I told friend to accept the money as a gift and she said she'd rather repay me a few days later, I was really pleased when she did. Only by lunchtime that day she asked if she could borrow it back for another 'unexpected' bill. I have sent it back to her, told her to make it a gift I don't want repaying and she's to use the money instead towards a pre-payment certificate.

 In addition and this isn't DS fault, he has a pest nuisance (insects) outside his house, was going to order some specialist stuff to put down to get rid, I asked him to let me know the price to help him out (this was before the previous things had happened - mindful that they still have wedding costs to contribute to)  as it happens it cost DS half what he was expecting and he didn't contact me about it but Dil2b did, so because it was me who initially offered, I took round the £10 he'd spent but in a glass jar I'd picked up from a Charity shop the previous day for £1 which says 'wedding funds' on it. They both liked it and I said they could put any spare change in there and anything that is likely to be a  cash spend than they use this to save, which will hopefully stop the requests for money sent over from bank accounts that they don't know all the details of. DD after visiting her friend came back home. I had the foresight to tell her to catch a slower train from the city she was in that stops at local stations that I then picked her up from  and that journey did at least only cost a fiver (would have been less if she'd remembered to use her 16-25 card!) and she spent a few hours here watching TV, cuddling the dog and eating pizza until she had to leave. She asked the person in charge of rehearsal times what time she was due in the following day, got told 9am, so she had to catch one of the available trains back, only to go in to rehearsals and not be needed until 4.30pm! She could have stayed Sunday night and caught a more convenient and cheaper train on Monday. 

When I took stock of last weekend, I realised I had spent more money helping others out of predicaments than I'd actually earned. It's left a nasty taste in my mouth and a resolution that this can't continue. It's simply unfair on me and not teaching any of them a life lesson. 

DD's course completely finishes tomorrow with the last of her show. I took off work to go and watch but she's told me it's not worth it, she's barely in it. It sounds a shambles and why on earth students have been allowed to do what they want for what is an end of year show instead of you showcasing the best of their abilities at what is a good name drama school beggars belief! So I've decided to not bother, it will re-coup some of the costs of last weekend.

Meanwhile DD had a meeting with the tutor who spoke to her the way he did the other week and he has apologised. It was in writing from the other staff member who heard him that he'd spoken to her unpleasantly, so couldn't be denied if DD had gone down the official complaint procedure 

The job in the department I'm working in will be advertising a post soon. Meanwhile they've extended my staying until the end of July which is a huge help. 

Spendless

It was DD last day of her course yesterday. At lunchtime she received an out of the blue email about a course that she'd auditioned for in the Spring that had rejected her, offering her a place. 

She's unsure because it's not the 'dream course' she wanted, but there are advantages to this if she does decide to take it in including that she will spend a term studying abroad. She may decide not to take it, but I'm so pleased that in the dying hours of her course she got a drama school degree offer.  

Spendless

Today interest has been applied to both our savings accounts. Tomorrow my wages goes in, I can see it pending. I have created a spreadsheet already of the various items that have been put on the CB CC and which account they need to come out of. This month's is expensive because we paid for wedding suits for the menfolk for DS wedding (an agreed cost we made at the beginning). DD's trip to Spain is on it -  she is paying for this - the money is in a separate account, it made sense to book through the CC for the additional protection plus our cashback and the theatre tickets and rail travel for me from the other day too, plus the train journey trip this weekend for our wedding anniversary. .

DD went to see a concert at Wembley recently, she intended staying overnight in her own student digs because of train times. Due to the huge amount of people attending it took a long time to get out and unfortunately the last train  got cancelled unfortunately, which would have left her stranded in  London in the early hours, we stepped in to get her a hotel, which cost £100. It has been put on the CB CC which thankfully is in a different payment time, so can be saved for.

I looked up the cost of DD's accommodation *if* she is to take her offer. It is a whacking £9800 for the year!  Never paid this amount before, not even in Edinburgh last year!. We have always paid the kids student  accommodation and then left them their min student loan to live on. We may have to re-look at doing things. Currently we pay back to debt £780 per month. this is made up of £300 to CC1 which is due to finish Autumn 2023. £400 to CC2 (£100 goes to the CC, £300 in a high interest account to build up interest), this is due to finish Autumn 2024  and £80 back to my savings account this was the balance of the older CC we transferred at the beginning of this year that we weren't able to put on a 0% CC. I've just asked DH to look at the spreadsheet he has all monies on to double check all balances and make sure we're on track, only he's realised he's put some wrong headings and has confused himself (he does this as a job would you believe - who told me about the cobbler's children in the worst shod shoes!). Going to get him to re-look later today. 

Spendless

The train dining  event we decided to do for our anniversary was brilliant, really enjoyed it. We kept costs lower by using DH's loyalty points to pay for an o/n hotel, I took a bottle of prosecco I already had in and just paid the corkage fee of £8.50 which was cheaper than ordering by the glass onboard. 

This week we've seen a solicitor about making our wills and also a financial advisor who is going to look at making the savings we have work harder for us taking into account DD is a student for the next 3 years and will need our financial support. She has decided to take the degree on offer as she doesn't want to spend yet another year auditioning. She is currently on the lookout for a summer job. She has been offered one but it's not very many hours. The FA was happy with what we are doing to pay the CC debt off, CC1 is paid off Sept/Oct this year (last current full payment amount Sept, will leave a £100 balance to finish it in Oct). Once this is paid off those payments go to clearing CC2 (though we'll probably continue paying the minimum and the balance into a savings account) that is due to finish Sept/Oct 2024. I also have a SO of £80 going back from wages into my savings account to pay back the amount borrowed that we couldn't 0% balance transfer. Seeing the FA also fetched up I may not have enough qualifying years for a full state pension, so we are going to check and then look to pay missing years, thankfully the time to do this in has been extended (details were on this site). I am a beneficiary of my Nan's will that I will receive later this year. It's a few thousand pounds. I intended banking it for as and when I need to replace my elderly car but may use some of the money to pay at least one years missing NI  contributions.

The vacancy in the department where I work has been advertised, I have applied but I've also applied for another vacancy that has come up. I told my boss that I'd done it because I needed to keep my options open (there's no guarantee I'll get the post in my department) and thought he was better off hearing this from me rather than someone else, he said he understood my position. Another job came up this week too, again same organisation different role and I intend applying to that too. If all unsuccessful then I will need to speak to the agency about finding me another role. 

I FINALLY curbed buying snacks on my way back to the train after working in the office. I only took my cards with me  and I didn't wish to see my online banking amount go down plus a £5 note and  I didn't wish to break into it, as a child I overheard an older cousin already working saying that 'she thought so much more of a note compared to coins' and it's always lived with me.



 

EssexHebridean

Fingers crossed for the job applications!

Spendless

Thank you. Someone else has also applied for the role and are to do a work shadow day. My line manager is aware I've also applied for somewhere else and a 3rd vacancy has come up that I also intend applying to and he is sorting out work shadow days for me for these.

I haven't said much about the toxic ex for a while. He is putting on the run  of his musical about DD later this summer (in a strange twist of fate a boy from her last drama school saw it advertised and asked DD if she wanted to go  watch with him, he didn't initially believe DD when she told him it was written about her - lol, she turned him down). However whoever told me @EssexHebridean? that karma would get the toxic ex seem to have been spot on. His SM posts are becoming more delusional (she showed me one that  bordered on the ludicrous not just boastful exaggeration)  and his latest relationship  has already been on the phone to DD asking about him because he was up to his usual tricks of texting other girls, which broke them up.  DD said all those mentioned were names known to her from when they were together, so recycling previous connections.  DD also has it on pretty good authority that he's dropped out of his drama school, is back with his parents and working for the same takeaway place that he did as a teenager and that both his Mum and sister have said that 'he (ex) is losing the plot'.  Normally I would have concern for someone's well-being if told all this, but I feel absolutely nothing - I recall the huge trauma he caused DD with his lies. 

Moneywise - this month seems to have been the worst hit since we cleared the mortgage. Partly caused by the weekend I had a few weeks ago where I spent beyond my wages helping others out and learnt a sharp lesson, partly caused by the CC expenses which some of the wedding costs we're paying for are on. I might need to borrow from savings then pay back from wages. As I'm due to finish in my role at the end of July, I haven't bothered booking any AL and will instead take it in money when I finish. I will definitely need another job though.  This weekend DD is meeting up with a friend in the South and going to a club (she's convinced it'll be free entry - we'll see!) DH is taking her and has managed to get an o/n hotel for free using loyalty points again this time courtesy of his recent US visit, and chose one with a cheap option for parking. I'm relieved he'll be nearby since the fiasco after the Harry Styles Concert caused us paying for an o/n hotel for DD. On Sunday she is at a pool party (the reason DH was taking her in the first place as it's not a straight forward journey by public transport) which is connected  with the pageanting  world. She's continuing to hunt for jobs but the ones she's tried and either got or sounds hopeful all start in August! She said 'she'll spend July being skint and have 100 jobs in August'. However since most July weekends are already taken up with something going on this is both a blessing and a curse! 

EssexHebridean

Yes, karma generally seems to do its thing IMO, and although I agree that it's never pleasant to hear of someone who seems to be falling apart like that, this may at least focus Ex on how he treats people and make him stop and think a bit. Hopefully DD will be able to view the current unravelling situation as a good prompt for you all to step right away from him and he will be able to fall into the category of being someone who needs have no further impact on your lives as a family.

Crossing fingers for things work out well jobwise for both of you, too!