A new chapter, An empty nest, Drama school & Last year of Uni

savingholmes

I would let your DS find his own financial feet. We had to do that when DS was in Oz - and it concentrated the mind. Think butterflies and crysallis. If you help the butterfly out it weakens it forever...

Good luck with your new role.

KxMx

On the sounds of it- as an adult contributing to a holiday isn't unreasonable, nor is obtaining new clothes and shoes if you are "desperate". How he finances those things are his concern and not yours.

Now that DS has left education and isn't living with you, probably a good time to step back from helping him financially and worrying about his finances so much- easier said than done, I know

He is an independent capable adult by the sounds of things, try to treat him more like that and less like a dependent.

It will be better for the both of you in the long run.

Spendless

KxMx said:

On the sounds of it- as an adult contributing to a holiday isn't unreasonable, nor is obtaining new clothes and shoes if you are "desperate". How he finances those things are his concern and not yours.

Now that DS has left education and isn't living with you, probably a good time to step back from helping him financially and worrying about his finances so much- easier said than done, I know

He is an independent capable adult by the sounds of things, try to treat him more like that and less like a dependent.

It will be better for the both of you in the long run.

I don't disagree. My concern is he went to live there on Monday of last week and by Thursday of this week he owes his gf's parents £800 (in 10 days) and currently has no job. Both the hol and the new clothes were at gf's parents instigation. The hol is in October so not a great deal of time away to be paying back  and the clothes yes he needed them, I know he's not been taken where we would have to kit him out and by that I don't mean they took him anywhere super expensive either. I don't remember ever taking DS on a clothes shopping trip where he spent £400 on a new wardrobe. I think I'd have just felt a lot comfier about it if DS had found employment first before spending commenced. 

It's not me that wants to bail him out, it was DH's suggestion, which I vetoed. DS however is happy about the hol and clothes.

savingholmes

I would focus on your new job and getting your budget sorted as you suggested to your DH.

Coxy11

Hope you have a good first day @Spendless

EssexHebridean

Great news on the job - but yes, I can see your concerns about DS. Sounds like he feels as though he needs to go along with what is being suggested and perhaps isn't comfortable smiling and saying "thanks, but I'll say no as that's outside of  my budget". I'm afraid I do agree about not being able to continue helping him out though - as tough as it seems, by continuing to help support him at the age he is now you are both hindering him in finding his own feet and possibly creating an expectation from the in-laws that more can be afforded than in fact is the case, if they see a situation where when he needs money the bank of Mum & Dad will provide, they will believe you can (and will!) continue to do that. 

Spendless

EssexHebridean said:

Great news on the job - but yes, I can see your concerns about DS. Sounds like he feels as though he needs to go along with what is being suggested and perhaps isn't comfortable smiling and saying "thanks, but I'll say no as that's outside of  my budget". I'm afraid I do agree about not being able to continue helping him out though - as tough as it seems, by continuing to help support him at the age he is now you are both hindering him in finding his own feet and possibly creating an expectation from the in-laws that more can be afforded than in fact is the case, if they see a situation where when he needs money the bank of Mum & Dad will provide, they will believe you can (and will!) continue to do that. 

Yes, this is exactly how I feel about it all including the bit about the in-laws. In other news he found he got a 2:1 for his degree, so is very happy. Gf has found a job and he is looking to start at a couple. All the jobs are of a 'just for now' type working in cleaning/industrial/food-takeaway whilst they find their feet and get some money behind them and DS will at the same time start looking for related graduate work.

Thanks all for the good wishes about the job. I started but as is usual when I start temp assignments I wasn't completely set up on the IT system so minimal yet what I've been able to do. I WFH tomorrow for the first time ever and I'm really nervous about it.

DD returned from her hol abroad and said that ex had been watching her story on social media all the time she was away under a false account that she worked out was him. Then she went into work yesterday and discovered someone she went to sixth form with and introduced him to, who he has since gone and slept with on a couple of occasions since their split has started working same place (I did think this was always a possibility because the girl lives locally and worked there last summer and the place had vacancies recently and she'll be home from Uni). It caused anxiety in DD so she spoke to her line manager about it, but DD didn't want to discuss it further with me. Due to the nature of the job I think it can be limited how much interaction they have and I've told DD to rise above it, be professional and should ex get mentioned say that she has no wish to discuss him. 

I've never said but DD is in the finals of a pageant comp, first one she's ever entered.. When she first got through I thought it would be a focus for her if she didn't get a drama school place. When she did get an offer, I wasn't sure she could commit to the day off she'll need to compete and if she'd be able to attend. Unsure if it's to do with recent events but she's said she'll focus on the comp as there are events and things to do in the lead up  which will have her expand her social circle further and further limit the connections to ex.  

savingholmes

Good on her carrying on with the comp and the job. 

Well done to DS too. You must be proud.

Spendless

1st week at work completed. As is usual with temping jobs, problems setting me up on the network and then my fears of WFH came to fruition yesterday when I struggled to set up. I ended up going and working at my si-i-l house, she works in IT so sorted me out, then I was able to log in and continue the task I'd been given and started the other day, that I have now completed. Hopefully it's better running next week so I can learn more jobs. 

Had a quote for one of the broken windows and it's really reasonable, far, far less than what I thought it would be, so that should thankfully be going ahead soon.

savingholmes

Good you managed to get set up