I feel betrayed

olgadapolga

Looking in on your situation from the outside, I see a person who is staying with a husband who is dragging her down, from every angle including financially and emotionally. The positives you have mentioned in no way, IMO, outweigh the negatives of the your husband's behaviour. He clearly isn't going to change, do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life?

My mother had similar reasons for staying with her husband, tolerating abuse for decades before he finally - and thankfully - died. She now bitterly regrets not leaving him years and years ago. Since he died, my mother is a different person, the anxiety has left her, she looks decades younger but she occasionally lets everything out about how awful her life with him was. Not just the last few years where she was basically his 24-hours a day carer (she had no time for herself, despite efforts to help her) but from the start of their marriage as well. That's nearly sixty years of abuse to work through.

Don't be like my mother. She bitterly regrets staying with him. I think that your husband needs to change a lot for your marriage to be worth saving but from what you've said, that's not going to happen. I appreciate that you don't want to distress your children but they are adults and may not be as upset as you think, especially if they understand the reasons behind your actions. Using them as a reason not to do something is not going to benefit them or you.

You only get one shot at life. Make the most of it.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

fudgecat

Thank you, olgadapolga, and all others who have commented and made suggestions. I know I should not have done, but I finally opened up to my eldest pregnant daughter, as she seemed strongest to cope. Her reaction of Spent? On What? Was the same as many of you. She commented that perhaps he is secretive about money because he does not consider that it is "safe" to disclose. This very much goes along with his avoidance of conflict by refusing to discuss or outright lying ( saying yes to something and then doing the opposite, which was his viewpoint all along!).
The problem with posting on a board like this us trying to be fair in comments and yet no being overly long.
He has saved us a fortune over the years in DIY skills, car repairs, renovations and the like. Ditto for my daughter's. He is a brilliant grandad - better than he was as a father!
I will need to think long and hard and try to sit down with him and keep the conversation calm and reasonable.
Seeking guidance is probably wise.

Mojisola

fudgecat said:

He has saved us a fortune over the years in DIY skills, car repairs, renovations and the like.

A good partner would do all this as well as contribute financially to the household.

comeandgo

I bet you have saved him a fortune by being cook, cleaner, taxi.  He has done nothing that no other partner does.

PennyForThem_2

Mojisola said:

fudgecat said:

He has saved us a fortune over the years in DIY skills, car repairs, renovations and the like.

A good partner would do all this as well as contribute financially to the household.

Actually Mojisola - not necessarily.  My partner was useless at the stuff fudgecat states but was very good as a provider (had high level job with high pay and good pension provision).  I knew he was not a DIYer when we married.

And not every female partner is a good cook, carer, house keeper etc.

fudgecat

Penny for Them : how right you are! I think it us fair to say that I am not particularly domestic.

Slinky

Where were the statements for these cards going all this time? Does he have email?  Don't like to say it really, but are you sure you've got to the bottom of everything now?

There's no such thing in our house as 'private and confidential', we both open any mail that comes in, and both have access to each others accounts and emails.

Are all of these gadgets etc that he bought still being used? Any chance of selling some of them to help pay off the bills?

Mojisola

PennyForThem_2 said:

Mojisola said:

fudgecat said:

He has saved us a fortune over the years in DIY skills, car repairs, renovations and the like.

A good partner would do all this as well as contribute financially to the household.

Actually Mojisola - not necessarily.  My partner was useless at the stuff fudgecat states but was very good as a provider (had high level job with high pay and good pension provision).  I knew he was not a DIYer when we married.

And not every female partner is a good cook, carer, house keeper etc.

I meant that a good partner wouldn't do the DIY stuff instead of contributing financially.

Primrose

I sympathise. You must feel between a rock and a hard place. Your husband is incompetent  with money.  That's the harsh reality.

is there any way that all his incoming finances can be paid into a bank account only in your name or would he be prepared to grant you Power of attorney to manage his financial affairs?    This seems harsh but possibly it's the only way you might be sure an incident couldn't happen again.  You could always give him a monthly cash allowance for his personal spending.   

He would doubtless feel "de-masculinised" by such an arrangement but his mismanagement of his affairs for many years has proved beyond doubt his inability to stay on top of them and maybe this is the only way you could have peace of mind going forward.

it seems to me that the only way you can hope to salvage the good things in your marriage is a total reworking of responsibilities so that you are never left wondering whether his financial incompetence could wreck your peace of mind again.  The time for his male pride on this issue is surely long over, given your current feelings of betrayal.

fudgecat

Thank for all your comments. We sat down and had the most honest conversation we have had in years. He admitted he had been in denial over the debt and then too ashamed to come to me and see if we could sort it.
SO: we researched zero percent cards and have balance transferred the majority of the debt. One small card I paid off, and a final card has to be researched. 
Ironically, he has a brilliant credit rating score ( I know it means little in the UK), better than mine! 
I think this has been the most collosal shock for him ( and me).
I generally deal with all the money anyway, but I have suggested this is not healthy. In response he has been using online banking and apps and even come to me with a good deal on savings.
I was told a story by a family member that his father was penny wise and pound foolish and twice had to have bank accounts that were frozen reinstated, because he had ignored all instruction letters on what to do with balances. The lack of response, meant that his  assets were frozen, as they thought he was dead! Sadly his Mum left everything to his Dad  to sort out...