I feel betrayed

Arthurian

You are having to pay all the bills, so hopefully you could manage on your own.  I think you should ask him to clear his debts by getting a job, any job, within the next two months.  Personally, I'd change the passwords on your accounts, and hide the spreadsheet, until he can put things right.

Madrick

fudgecat said:

I feel betrayed and beyond anger.
Is 46 years down the river?

I have always been open with money, I always thought its the easiest way. 
We had a joint bank account when my wife moved into my flat, even before we were married. It's so much easier seeing what's what and never had arguments over money in our 30 years together (as we never had much). 

I did all the banking, saving, bills etc, but always from the joint account. 

I can see how you feel betrayed. But think very carefully about throwing 46 years together away. There must have been some amazing happy times to stay together that long. 

Ms_Chocaholic

No mention of what he has spent the money on, any idea?

fudgecat

Thank you everyone for your comments, suggestions and insights.
Since my post, we have discussed nothing and my husband has seized on the garden, the local speedwatch team, bowls club and care of grandchildren to avoid the issue. This is very typical behaviour, though to be fair we have had all three grandchildren to stay and it has been busy as our village has slowly returned to life after Covid.
I have swung into action by organising him a zero 0% credit card and transferring the balance of one card. This will save a good £1000 a year. I have paid off the smaller balance on one card, leaving one card still to be tackled. 
I fully realise that this is repeating the behaviour of me sorting things out and him letting me do it, but for my own peace of mind I felt I had to. 
I have informed him that £300.00 pcm should clear the zero balance card in the time allowed. He needs to set up the DD. I predict he will not do this unless I check and prompt!
On a balance sheet of pluses and minuses to stay married, he is in objective credit and I know that family and friends will support him over me, if I choose to split.
I have played nasty cop to his good cop all my life and at 64 consider my shoulders broad enough to take the flak. But can I upset the grandchildren, my pregnant daughter with a high risk pregnancy, or my other daughter who is recently married and has suffered so much stress during lockdown that she has developed mild Tourettes syndrome? I doubt it. My Mrs Fixxit Cape is too firmly velcroed.
Venting on here and reading your comments has been more help than you will ever know.
In answer to what he has spent the money on, interest mostly over the years, plus subscriptions and DIY gadgets. He has more tools and gadgets than a local hire shop.

Madrick

fudgecat said:

On a balance sheet of pluses and minuses to stay married, he is in objective credit and I know that family and friends will support him over me, if I choose to split.

That should certainly not be the only reason to stay together. 
Similarly, should your husbands miss management of his finances be a reason to leave? 

I think you would find that your true friends would be there for both of you.
 Have you spoken to your best and or longest friend, about the situation, just like you are doing on here?
Sometimes a good heart to heart with someone who you trust, in confidence, who knows you both can do wonders

The fact you are posting at 2.30am means it is clearly affecting you and you are beating yourself up about it. . 

pollypenny

Oh, very good luck, fudge. I really feel for you. 

littlemissbossy

I totally understand your feelings Fudgecat...., I wanted to tell you my story then you know you're not alone.

Rewind almost thirty years, I found out that my then boyfriend was in quite a lot of debt from before we met.  We were in the middle of saving up to buy a house and get married and this was something that he had not mentioned.

To cut a very long and painful story short, he passed me all his paperwork and we used our savings and a loan from my parents to pay it all off.  Unfortunately he didn't tell me everything, mainly because it was all in such a mess and also because he was ashamed, a couple of years later I came across another smallish amount, that was paid off too.

At the time my parents were very concerned whether I was still making the right decision to get married, anyway fast forward, we have been married for 27 years and are very happy.  There has been no more debt (I check regularly), but that small doubt/worry in the back of my mind has never gone away.

Madrick

littlemissbossy said:

I totally understand your feelings Fudgecat...., I wanted to tell you my story then you know you're not alone.

Rewind almost thirty years, I found out that my then boyfriend was in quite a lot of debt from before we met.  We were in the middle of saving up to buy a house and get married and this was something that he had not mentioned.

To cut a very long and painful story short, he passed me all his paperwork and we used our savings and a loan from my parents to pay it all off.  Unfortunately he didn't tell me everything, mainly because it was all in such a mess and also because he was ashamed, a couple of years later I came across another smallish amount, that was paid off too.

At the time my parents were very concerned whether I was still making the right decision to get married, anyway fast forward, we have been married for 27 years and are very happy.  There has been no more debt (I check regularly), but that small doubt/worry in the back of my mind has never gone away.

Nice one little miss bossy 👍

Do you mind me asking if you have had separate bank accounts or everything is joint and out in the open. 
It's great that you've no more little debts popping up anymore. 

27 happy years together, what more can you ask for. 

littlemissbossy

Madrick said:

littlemissbossy said:

I totally understand your feelings Fudgecat...., I wanted to tell you my story then you know you're not alone.

Rewind almost thirty years, I found out that my then boyfriend was in quite a lot of debt from before we met.  We were in the middle of saving up to buy a house and get married and this was something that he had not mentioned.

To cut a very long and painful story short, he passed me all his paperwork and we used our savings and a loan from my parents to pay it all off.  Unfortunately he didn't tell me everything, mainly because it was all in such a mess and also because he was ashamed, a couple of years later I came across another smallish amount, that was paid off too.

At the time my parents were very concerned whether I was still making the right decision to get married, anyway fast forward, we have been married for 27 years and are very happy.  There has been no more debt (I check regularly), but that small doubt/worry in the back of my mind has never gone away.

Nice one little miss bossy 👍

Do you mind me asking if you have had separate bank accounts or everything is joint and out in the open. 
It's great that you've no more little debts popping up anymore. 

27 happy years together, what more can you ask for. 

Hi Madrick

At the time when we were "courting" we had separate accounts but since the !!!!!! hit the fan we have always had a joint bank account and credit card. 

fudgecat

Thank you, everyone. I'm afraid, as I have discovered during lockdown, that I don't have any friends that I can discuss this with - that is close enough to discuss this with. No doubt that says a lot about me.
We have had the care of our three grandchildren for a week, to help out.
Totally exhausted, but those positives in my husband, have  come to the fore.
Also some negatives as he has exploded with anger a few times - something he never used to do when we were first married, but which has crept up in the last 15 odd years.
Thank you very sincerely for all your comments and insights. It really helps.