Not sure how to help when the idea of speaking to a professional is shut down

josephine82

Just wanted to add a viewpoint as a long term anxiety sufferer. 

For a long time I didn’t recognise my symptoms as anxiety. I thought I was just overly worried about details that nobody else cared about, that I was different or stupid because of the way I felt or reacted. I didn’t seek help for a long time because I didn’t think it was anything ‘fixable’ because it was just me. 

However when I did seek help my life changed for the better. Medication took a while to kick in but when it did- well, it was quite life changing. I was nervous about therapy and had a few goes at it before I found someone who got me and really helped me to understand myself and how my brain works. 

Also, that crushing feeling in your chest is horrible and I sympathise so much but it will go away with medication. 

A big part of anxiety is overthinking and worrying about what people might think- so explains in a way why it’s hard to seek help. 

The situation sounds really tricky but the only advice I can give is to listen, talk and try to gently encourage her to seek help while being honest about the impact of her behaviour/ the way she does things. 

Good luck. 

newparent77

Thank you very much for sharing your experience. It resonates a lot - I think my wife at times can be very clear about how she thinks about things and acknowledges it matches up exactly with the symptoms of anxiety, but then will dismiss it as not anxiety and just 'how she is'.

I think though, even if she did eventually decide to go and speak to a professional, she would be very resistant to the idea of medication. I think she believes it would change her as a person, make her lethargic etc. She points to the example of my mum and her recent relapse into anxiety. I tried to point out that this was because she had stopped taking her medication and before that she was coping well, but I also understand her resistance to the idea of medication even if I do think it might help.

Your last paragraph makes a lot of sense of course. I fear I let my frustrations and pressure I feel get to me the other night and I was blunter than I should have been and I don't think it's helped, but I'll keep trying and being there for her!

OldMusicGuy

I think you face a difficult choice. She is how she is and is unlikely to change. You either need to decide if you can live with her as she is or you need to move on. You need to look at the good things in your relationship and decide if they outweigh the challenges that "her being her" create for you. You can't "fix" her by forcing her to seek professional advice. You don't sound like you are there for her because you keep coming back at her with "get professional help" (which is not the answer IMO).

And like I said earlier in this thread, do look at yourself. Are you perfect? Are there never times when your behaviour causes your wife some issues? I apologise if this sounds blunt, but the way you write it sounds like you feel she is the problem in the relationship, and if only she would sort herself out then everything would be fine for you. 

I have been in a very similar situation to you and we are in a better place because my partner understands herself better now as do I, and we have both changed some of our behaviours to help us navigate our challenges together with less upset and frustration. 

Shelldean

Another physical cause can be low B12.
Lack of B12 can cause anxiety and depression!!

Clueless56

I really feel for you, OP, and note that you say that your wife recently said she doesn't always feel she can speak candidly/openly about how she is feeling.  Do you ever tell her how you are feeling ... honestly/plainly, or do you feel you constantly have to tiptoe around her?  I suspect not (my mother sounds a lot like your wife and I've had a lifetime of burying my thoughts and feelings as she has always told us it's harder for her than others.  She's old now, so it's too late to do it, but it occurs to me she hasn't a clue how hard it is for other people as she has never tried to step out of her comfort zone and has been using her anxiety as an excuse to avoid things for over 80 years.) 

I fully expect this to draw a lot of ire from other posters and want to be clear that I know anxiety isn't trivial and can be very debilitating, but feel that there's often a difference between what people describe as anxiety themselves and a clinical diagnosis of anxiety.  I'm always suspicious of those who won't see a doctor about this as I suspect they know the doctor will likely tell them it's within the realms of normal experience and they need to find coping mechanisms, as most people have had to. 

I hope you will look after yourself and assert your own right to have your feelings and requirements catered for in your marriage.  You both have children to bring up and be role models for and this can't be helpful for them either.  I would recommend couple's counselling so that you also have your voice heard.  You have clearly been under a lot of strain for a long time.