Not sure how to help when the idea of speaking to a professional is shut down

newparent77

I'm sorry this a bit long, but I just need to get this down and see what people's opinions are.

I have been married to my wife for seven years, but we've actually been together since 19 (we're late 30s now). We have two children, both under 10.

My wife has always suffered from anxiety, mood swings, stress - none of it diagnosed, but she freely admits to these things. She is in a busy, stressful job which she dislikes, and the recent lockdowns have made her feel worse and added to the things she worries about (our children missing out on school time, the affect on them of everything etc).

A few months ago we were talking and she said she feels worried and anxious, with a thightness in her chest, pretty much all the time. Work is a big part of it but it isn't anything specific, even about the job. She says she just worries about everything constantly.

I suggested that if she feels like that all the time, maybe it was time to seek professional help and just have a chat with the doctor. She shut it down immediately, saying she didn't see the point, they'd just think she was stupid, she didn't want medication, she didn't want anyone thinking she was incapable. I said I understood all that, and explained why I thought those worries were unfounded (I tried to be sensitive), but she still said she would never get professional help, even if I explicitly asked her to. It feels like the pressure is on me to always be positive and try and bring her out of these moods.

She has since arranged to leave the job (and profession hopefully) in a couple of months, as we can afford for her to do so and I fully support the idea. I just worry then that her anxiety will move on to something else.

This week, we had a member of the extended family do some electrics work for us in our house. We fully intended to pay him but other than money for materials and petrol he wouldn't take anything despite trying a few times to get him to change his mind. For my wife, this has sparked more anxiety and she has been in tears thinking that he (and the rest of the family) will think she is tight, unwilling to pay etc. After almost every social encounter she dwells on every aspect and whether she did something someone will think negatively about. She said how it gets too much feeling that way all the time, that she struggles to cope and that I don't understand what it is like to be her.

I haven't brought up the idea of speaking to a professional again, and maybe investigate CBT as a way to try and change how she thinks about things, because I worry it will just be shut down again. I hate myself for typing this, but I find myself getting annoyed with her moods, when she shuts down or snaps at me and the children. Occasionally, she rants at me and swears at me in a way she would never tolerate if I did it. She always apologises after but after all these years it starts to get tiresome and doesn't do my mental health any favours. I know how hard it is to seek help (and who knows if it would even help) but the unwillingness to even consider it also gets to me.

I'm aware the above doesn't reflect well on me. I just want her to be OK and not sure how I can help and what to do. Has anyone experienced anything similar?

gwynlas

She really does need to speak to a professional even if it is a one off but access to this is really dependent on where you live.
Can you afford for her to visit a psychiatrist privately who could help with a firm diagnosis and sign post where to go next?
Her giving up her career is probably not the best thing to be doing without having explored all avenues in managing her anxieties but I understand that work might be adding to her feelings and some roles have drastically changed over the years.
Try and encourage her in the above as it is better to seek help when you have some control over the outcome than for her to reach rock bottom and have to deal with the consequences.

tacticalbanjo

I think if she won't seek help then you need to decide how much you are willing to tolerate both for you and your children. Seeing one of your parents treat the other disrespectfully is incredibly damaging to children as it's a living demonstration of what to expecting in future relationships. So you owe it to your children to provide a happy family home.

If it was me, I would spell out to her the ways that her problems are having an impact on you and the children and if it's making you reconsider the future of your relationship I would tell her that too. At the end of the day she's either well enough not to see a professional and therefore behave like a reasonable adult or she's unwell and needs to seek help. There is nothing that any professional will deem silly or stupid. 

breaking_free

You sound like a very loving husband x

My own partner gently coaxed me over many months into getting counselling to deal with issues that continued to stress me. £1500 or so later I'm in a much better state of mind - it was worth every penny. 

I'd go with tacticalbanjo's advice above if gentle nudging doesn't work. Best of luck.

Keep_pedalling

She would almost certainly benefit from seeing a cognitive behavioural therapist, which is what my wife did soon after she retired. She still suffers from bouts  of anxiety but the therapist provided her with with coping strategies to minimise the impact they have.

This is a very common issue, and if any family or friends are fellow suffers then they may be better placed than you to convince her getting professional help. You could also contact Anxiety UK for advice.

 https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/membership/individual-membership/

Neruda

I am sorry to hear about your difficulties...

Quite possibly her decision to leave her job will improve things, particularly if she finds a new career or some absorbing hobby that she would enjoy.

Otherwise, maybe you could find out about different kinds of professionals: since she is unwilling to consider seeing a mental health professional, you might consider whether she would benefit from a life and relationships coach; from someone working to promote well-being; or even some kind of spiritual or religious ministry.

TBagpuss

It is incredibly difficult as you can't force her to get help.
However, i think there are perhaps some thing that you can do:

- Consider looking at couples counselling / joint therapy. You've mentioned the pressure you feel to have to positive to bring her out of her moods, and her behaviour towards you. Perhaps approach it in the first instance as looking  to discuss the pressures on both of you and ways you can support and help each other .

- If you do raise the possibility of seeking help else where, perhaps frame it as support rather than help, and that you are worried about her as she is clearly unhappy and stressed. Stress that no one is suggesting that she is incapable or stupid, but that she has herself said that she sometimes struggles to cope, and that she's clearly not happy a lot of the time, so perhaps some support to help her to cope with those things might be useful, and having nan initial conversation with her GP couldn't hurt.

-Consider speaking to your own GP. You are obviously dealing with a lot and  they may be able to refer you to a counsellor or therapist - this may be helpful in two ways; firstly, it will give you some support to help you cope with trying to manage her needs, and to get a perspective on what is and isn't reasonable, and secondly , if may make it easier for your  wife to consider it if she sees that you are not  embarrassed about looking for help for yourself. 

Have you have a direct conversation with her where you raise your concerns about her behaviour, and the strain on you of feeling that you have put so much emotional energy into trying to stay positive and supportive, and ask her to help you to find ways to improve things for both of you? 

OldMusicGuy

I am in a very similar situation. My partner has crippling social anxiety and sounds very similar to your wife. She analyses and stresses about every minor social interaction after it has happened, and has periods of depression when it all gets too much. 

She has tried counselling a couple of times in the past and it didn't help. The counsellors were not that good, and also her social anxiety means she struggles to speak openly with them. We have lived with this for many years, and recently we have had very open discussions about it, both the effect on me/us but also how serious the issue is for her and how she needs support. It's hard for people who don't suffer from this problem to appreciate how difficult it is.

After lots of talking and also reading various books and websites, we've come to the conclusion she may be autistic. So we have paid for her to have an autism and general psychological assessment. This will not likely lead to counselling (which she is wary of) but we both feel it may be helpful for us to understand what she is facing. She feels awful that she is "not normal" and maybe if she realises that she is like other people with similar issues it may help. We are currently part way through that process so I can't say if it helped or not.

We have been coping much better after our chat as we have developed some coping strategies. We will cancel some outings/activities if she is not feeling able to cope and I try not to put pressure on her to do things unless she is happy to. That all helps, all I can really say is try to understand and support her. There is no easy cure, professional help might be of value but it might not be the answer. I would be wary of forcing her to "get help".

newparent77

Thank you everyone, each post has been really helpful. I think it's time for us to have another chat about how everything is and how both of us are feeling. I've been looking at information on mental health online and the symptoms list for something like Generalised Anxiety Disorder is pretty much everything my wife seems to experience. 

Very aware that professional help isn't for everyone, and that it doesn't always work. I'll just make sure we talk and that I support her as best I can.

sheramber

You need to to get her to realise  the effect her behaviour has on you, your children and your relationship.

My DIL suffers from anxiety and  had been off work for more than 6 months

 She contacted Remploy https://www.remploy.co.uk/ and got help from them. 

She realised her job was part of the problem and managed to find another job which she loves. 

OldMusicGuy

newparent77 said:

Thank you everyone, each post has been really helpful. I think it's time for us to have another chat about how everything is and how both of us are feeling. I've been looking at information on mental health online and the symptoms list for something like Generalised Anxiety Disorder is pretty much everything my wife seems to experience. 

This is a good idea. We found reading about mental health issues and doing online personality/psychology tests helped gain an understanding of possible issues. I heard an autistic girl on Radio 4 describing her life and she sounded just like my partner, which was why we suspected there may be more to her challenges than social anxiety.

One thing I have done is to understand myself better. It's easy to think you are "normal" but there may be aspects to your personality that could be in conflict with your wife. On the surface, I appear very organised and like to plan everything ahead. But after doing a few online personality tests and looking at the DSM personality disorder classifications, it's pretty clear I have a highly obsessive/compulsive personality (probably I have a disorder). This means my desire for everything to be properly arranged, planned and organised often puts pressure on my partner to do things that she may not feel like doing on the day because she doesn't want to let me down. This can trigger a depressive episode because she has an unhappy time while we are out.

So I've learned to recognise that in myself and am now trying to be more relaxed about things and "go with the flow" a bit more. It's definitely helped reduce the pressure on her and we have both been more relaxed in recent months.