Not sure how to help when the idea of speaking to a professional is shut down

gettingtheresometime

Instead of framing it as her getting help, why not suggest if she talks to someone that is completely neutral about how she feels.

I found that I could speak to a counsellor in a frank & honest way that I don't think I could to either a family member or friend

It could lead to her becoming open to seeking help in a more targeted way.

separatedinsamehome

I think as other posters have said, if she doesn't get help you need to look at how damaging this is to your children and to you....i have been learning the hard way that is it okay to think about your own well-being too. My wife refused to see a counselor individually or as a couple, I saw a counselor on my own and it helped a lot. If nothing else it helped me to learn some coping mechanisms for when I was being used as an emotional punchbag for everything she felt was wrong with her life. She was entitled to free counseling because of my employer but she refused it saying to me "well it doesn't seem to have helped you much!" and eventually amongst other reasons it led to the end of our marriage as I felt it was not healthy for the children, myself or even her (although she is the one who asked for the separation and end to the marriage). Wishing you all the best with it

74jax

After she is abusive to you, and you discuss it, have she ever mentioned how it makes her come across to you?

She is upset at how someone - who didn't want to be paid fully - will see her.  But is she just as upset at how you see her over something she HAS done?

I'm guessing she wouldn't let the person do anymore work, in which case why does she see continuing being abusive to you as OK? I'm wondering if they are linked, she feels bad about herself, so wants to make you feel bad about yourself. 

Regardless of whether she seeks help, I think you should speak to someone. Children see what we don't think they do and normalise it. 

deannagone

I have been lucky enough to find a counsellor I have really connected with finally.  I looked on the BCAP website and looked for people who had experience in the areas I needed help with.  Cost was also important to me so I was able to find someone I could afford.  I have tried MIND before but while I am certain they are able to help many, I found I was slotted with anyone., not necessarily someone who had experience in the areas I needed help with.  

But I also think there needs to be an aversion to suggesting to your wife she has irrational fears and anxieties, try to suggest there are people who can talk about coping strategies to help her feel better than she is presently, more in control of social situations than she does right now.

I have autism too.  Its take me a long long time to find help that will actually help.  

london21

Sometimes when we hear things from another perspective it opens our minds up.
Maybe try to get a neutral person involved.
Also try not to bring it up all the time and get her input aswell.
You seem very caring and I hope she gets the help she needs. 

The lockdown has really affected a lot of people negatively.

Some things that help with mental health.
Listening to uplifting music.
Journaling
Try to get 6-8 hours daily sleep.
Exercise helps even just walking.

newparent77

Hi all - sorry to resurrect an old thread but after just over a year, I just wanted to update on this. I think the main reason for this is just the need to vent and get this all down, rather than expecting anything tangible. Apologies in advance for the essay!

In a nutshell, some things have changed and some haven't. My wife has left her stressful job - she took a new part time one just under a year ago, finds it much less stressful and enjoys it so on that front, it's been a success.

However, while work is no longer a source of stress in particular, the anxiety in general remains. In fact, we both took a look at the NHS web page about Generalised Anxiety Disorder a little while back and she acknowledged it describes her feelings and symptoms almost exactly. She can go two or three weeks and seem 'fine', but then will go into a period of a few days where she doesn't feel good. She describes wanting to 'just step out of herself for a while' or run away on her own for a time and will have mood swings, bouts of crying etc. 

We've had a few conversations over the past year where we've discussed how she feels and revisited the suggestion of talking to a professional about how she feels, but each time it is shut down.

Things are further complicated by the fact my mum also suffers from anxiety. It has been treated with medication for a few years now but for some reason I'm still unsure on, she stopped taking her medication for a while a few months ago. This has resulted in her taking a few big steps back and the last month or so has seen her extremely anxious, with regular phone calls to me in tears about how she feels. She has been to the doctors, spoken to mental health services and is hopefully slowly getting back on track but it's early days. My dad was last year diagnosed with dementia so cannot always articulate how he feels/be as supportive as he might otherwise be, which doesn't always help.

I mention this because a) it obviously adds another element of stress and pressure to the situation but b) my wife doesn't really get on with parents. They can, unintentionally I think, sometimes be a bit tactless and particularly when our children were babies, my wife felt they made comments that weren't helpful and made her feel bad. She admits this was probably partly hormones from the turmoil of having a baby etc but it's true that they aren't always the easiest to be around (I know this is a common theme with in laws!)

A couple of weeks ago we had a conversation where my wife wanted to explain that she really doesn't get on with them - she is always perfectly cordial when we go to see them, but she always dreads going and said it was adding to her anxiety that with mum's anxiety and dad's dementia, they are obviously going to need my (and her) support more and more and that she will always be there, but the thought adds to her feelings of dread.

The past couple of days, my wife has not been feeling good. Last night we had a conversation where she said she has recently felt unsupported by me, and thinks I've just had enough of her being anxious and also my mum being anxious. She said that despite me saying I'm there for her, she doesn't always feel she can say when she's feeling bad because it might make me upset and that just makes her feel worse, and sometimes she just needs me to be strong for her rather than getting upset.

I explained I haven't 'had enough' - I feel sad, frustrated and helpless that I can't help her, and that I fear without 'proper help', this will carry on potentially forever. We got to a point where she said she was doing 'everything she could' to deal with it so it doesn't impact on us (e.g. not always saying when she feels down) and that resulted in me saying she isn't doing everything she could, because she won't even consider going to speak to a professional, like she would for a physical condition. She couldn't give a tangible reason why (cynicism, embarrassment etc) beyond not wanting to be put on any kind of medication. 

I'm not proud of saying it in this way, I freely admit it was my frustration and sadness bubbling over. It resulted in her saying she will never go to the doctor about it, will not back down and would just keep her feelings to herself from now on. I explained that's the last thing I want but it all got a bit heated.

Things were calmer this morning but it's far from resolved. I feel very conflicted - I feel my feelings and wellbeing are of secondary importance and that she is being stubborn to the detriment of herself, me, and the children. But more than anything I want to support her in any way I can.

Sorry, that is a lot to read but I think I just needed to get it all down. Well done if you got this far!

pmlindyloo

After reading this thread I googled 'my wife/husband won't get help for their anxiety' and found lots of articles.

Here is one:

https://www.hopetherapyandwellness.com/blog/96012-5-tips-for-helping-a-spouse-with-anxiety

What I found particularly interesting is that trying to 'fix' the problem is probably not the best approach because this implies that the spouse is 'broken' and needs fixing (not very well expressed - apologies.)  This, maybe, why your wife is so adamant about not seeking professional help. 

Please have a read of some of the articles (if you haven't already been down this path).

I found it quite enlightening.

Hopefully there might be some useful suggestions for you too.

Jude57

I'm sorry to read of all you're having to contend with. You're having to be the tower of strength for three adults, two of whom have it within their control to take appropriate steps to deal with their issues. I can't say I'd be as patient as you have been.

Has your wife considered that she may have a physical cause for her emotional issues? A number of conditions, if left untreated, can affect your mental wellbeing and can be easily identified by simple blood tests. In my case, it was an underactive thyroid for which I'll take medication for the rest of my life. Once identified and after a few days (yes, it was that quick) it was like I'd had a new battery installed. If your wife hasn't considered this, it could be worth suggesting. I'm not trying to diagnose your wife, just to suggest you and she think about it.

Otherwise, exactly how long are you supposed to be the emotional punchbag for her, your mother and the support for your father before something gives? Your own mental health is taking a battering and YOU need support easily as much as your mother and wife. Please consider speaking to your own GP and to a counsellor who can help you to find coping strategies before you think you need them. And I echo the thoughts of posters concerned about the children because they do absorb more than we'd like them to and the effects can be lifelong. Ultimately, you can't force your wife to seek treatment but you can start to protect yourself from her failure to do so.

When I was at my lowest point, complaining to someone I'd just met about my failing marriage, they asked me a question I'd never even considered; 'don't you WANT to be happy?' I realised that being happy (or even content) wasn't something I ever thought about. And then I did think about it, decided it was what I wanted and deserved and thought about what needed to be done to achieve it. In my case, it called for some difficult decisions and some drastic lifestyle changes but the result is that I'm in a better place mentally than I could have imagined when I was asked that question. It wasn't easy but I know, looking back, that I probably wouldn't be here if I hadn't taken those steps. So ask your wife, and ask yourself, do you not WANT to be happy?

newparent77

pmlindyloo said:

After reading this thread I googled 'my wife/husband won't get help for their anxiety' and found lots of articles.

Here is one:

https://www.hopetherapyandwellness.com/blog/96012-5-tips-for-helping-a-spouse-with-anxiety

What I found particularly interesting is that trying to 'fix' the problem is probably not the best approach because this implies that the spouse is 'broken' and needs fixing (not very well expressed - apologies.)  This, maybe, why your wife is so adamant about not seeking professional help. 

Please have a read of some of the articles (if you haven't already been down this path).

I found it quite enlightening.

Hopefully there might be some useful suggestions for you too.

Thank you, that is very useful indeed. I think that's part of the issue - I feel the need to try and 'fix' any problem, even though in this case there is no obvious fix. Definitely things to think about there!

newparent77

Jude57 said:

Has your wife considered that she may have a physical cause for her emotional issues? A number of conditions, if left untreated, can affect your mental wellbeing and can be easily identified by simple blood tests. In my case, it was an underactive thyroid for which I'll take medication for the rest of my life. Once identified and after a few days (yes, it was that quick) it was like I'd had a new battery installed. If your wife hasn't considered this, it could be worth suggesting. I'm not trying to diagnose your wife, just to suggest you and she think about it.

When I was at my lowest point, complaining to someone I'd just met about my failing marriage, they asked me a question I'd never even considered; 'don't you WANT to be happy?' I realised that being happy (or even content) wasn't something I ever thought about. And then I did think about it, decided it was what I wanted and deserved and thought about what needed to be done to achieve it. In my case, it called for some difficult decisions and some drastic lifestyle changes but the result is that I'm in a better place mentally than I could have imagined when I was asked that question. It wasn't easy but I know, looking back, that I probably wouldn't be here if I hadn't taken those steps. So ask your wife, and ask yourself, do you not WANT to be happy?

I've edited out some of your post just for space, but it was all really useful, thank you! I'm not sure on the physical cause question - I do know (having known my wife since we were in college) that she has always been susceptible to anxiety for many years.

I think we both want to be happy (I know I do) and I have asked my wife questions on a similar line, as in doesn't she want to not feel anxious the majority of the time. She says she does, but then doesn't seem to want to take steps to potentially make it happen.

At the moment, it feels like we are in a no man's land of being cordial with each other but there's no affection there currently after our chat the other night. She doesn't currently want to discuss things any further, and neither of us want to argue. I think she needs space to think, and I think I do too.