Facing up and time for action

TheAble

What's the 10k "other asset" out of interest? Worth considering realising on this to clear some debt?

DasDachs

TheAble said:

What's the 10k "other asset" out of interest? Worth considering realising on this to clear some debt?

It’s a mix of locked in and conditional shares from my current employer. A combination of a share incentive plan that I pay into and a bonus component awarded in shares. I separated it from the shares line as it isn’t fully accessible for another 2 years - some could be realised now, but would have NI and tax deducted and would lose the employer contributed share element. 

warby68

Up until this year you were giving your wife £500 pm towards her horses.

You have had overspending issues for 10-12 years.

Strangely enough 500 x 12 x 12 = 72000

Almost exactly the amount of your debt before you reduced it from your bonus.

Just food for thought really - generally speaking in early family life, the parents' hobbies come quite a long way down the list of priorities but your wife seems to have managed to keep hers at the top and its quite a chunky spend as well. Obviously the dynamics of a marriage are personal and you do want to keep the debt to yourself at the moment but hopefully it will help to know that most people will not see your wife's attitude as fair. Different if you have led her to believe money is no object, but clearly you've had a number of discussions about it and asked her to contribute/manage with less.

DasDachs

@warby68 thanks - it's something I've obviously thought about as part of the root cause in terms of the overspend, but I think ultimately I also need to take ownership of the causes else it would be easy for me to say 'if it wasn't for that....' I think what I want to get from this journey is a better relationship with my finances in general and to see planning and saving as important, achievable and completely normal.

Ultimately, I have been juggling the credit cards and letting it build, but there's no doubt that without the added burden of that money going out, and if there had been some sharing of household expenses I should have been in a much better position. I think it has helped that others have also commented on the inequity of it - I think it's something I've long felt, so hearing others take a supportive view  does make me feel a bit better and perhaps vindicates my own emotions about it.  

BellaLasagna2018

You’re not going to succeed in your journey to DF is your wife sabotages your effort with her attitude to spending. She behaves like a spoilt child. 

Arguing with you when you mention money, or making you feel guilty, is a very successful way of getting her own way. You back down,  it seems, and she knows it very well. 

It’s too late to “nip in the bud” so to speak but you could find ways of changing the situation, slowly: close your Next account or don’t make your cards available ( isn’t it fraud anyway for her to use it?), lower the amount you give her for her hobby ( can’t she work more is she needs more money?) You know that thing about the frog? If you drop a frog in boiling water, it will jump out straight away, but if you put it in cold water and warm it up slowly, it won’t notice and you can boil it. Not sure if it’s true, as I’ve never tried to boil a frog 😂  but it’s the principle I’m suggesting. 

DasDachs

Slow boiling….. now there’s a thought @BellaLasagna2018 😁
It’s a good point though and I think closing the store card is a good idea - especially as it was never used that much anyway. It was a major battle to reduce from £500 per month to £250 and there was all sorts of emotional blackmail used to make me feel guilty (initially I went from £500 to £0, so I guess in a way the £250 is par-boiled 😆). 

I’m alive to the behaviours being unfair and manipulative and it’s obviously not what happy should look like. For now I’m going to chip away and keep on track with my plans - longer term what that looks like for changing the situation whether financially or wider is something I need to continue thinking about. Decisions would be easier without children in the equation - as it is I tend to opt for minimal conflict which may not be the best solution in the longer term. 

Off to find a large, heavy bottomed pot…. 😆

DasDachs

Saturday shop completed and I was really happy with the spend this week. £130.91 in total split £101.81 Lidl and £29.10 at Tesco. The fridge is heaving so it really does feel as if shopping at Lidl goes further than the same spend at Tesco. Savings from the budget going into the Christmas fund again - I’m really enjoying seeing a tangible reward from doing this. 

Drawback is the time it takes compared to click and collect and I’ve also had to endure some criticism for buying the ‘wrong sort of this and that’ or that ‘you didn’t get some things - they hadn’t been put on the list’ (errrr it was your list…) and ‘it’s better to do it online’. I think this is just an attempt to take control of the shopping again - but I’m sticking to my guns on this, if I’m paying, I’m shopping! 😁

BellaLasagna2018

DasDachs said:

Slow boiling….. now there’s a thought @BellaLasagna2018 😁
It’s a good point though and I think closing the store card is a good idea - especially as it was never used that much anyway. It was a major battle to reduce from £500 per month to £250 and there was all sorts of emotional blackmail used to make me feel guilty (initially I went from £500 to £0, so I guess in a way the £250 is par-boiled 😆). 

I’m alive to the behaviours being unfair and manipulative and it’s obviously not what happy should look like. For now I’m going to chip away and keep on track with my plans - longer term what that looks like for changing the situation whether financially or wider is something I need to continue thinking about. Decisions would be easier without children in the equation - as it is I tend to opt for minimal conflict which may not be the best solution in the longer term. 

Off to find a large, heavy bottomed pot…. 😆

I’m glad you find my suggestion quite amusing I am not trying to tell you what to do because, as I’m mentioned before, I have no real idea of your situation, and in any case, it’s none of my business, but I know from experience that sometimes seeing things through an outsider’s eyes can give some clarity, if not some resolve. 

I hear you completely when you say you want to minimise conflict. Nobody wants to live in a war zone, especially with children involved. 

Well done on remaining in control of the shopping! You’re right: you’re paying, you’re shopping. Particularly when others won’t have the same respect towards your hard earned cash. 

Plenty of good heavy bottomed pots available from reliable retailers  

kazwookie

Goodness I do feel for you.

IMO your wife is out of order.

You pay for everything, she keeps the money she earns plus you give her more money, this needs to stop, arguments or not, call her bluff over the emotional blackmail stuff. ~ hard as it may seem you might be better off cutting all financial ties with her.  Tell her the £250 pm, is now £100 per month until Jan 2022 then it is zero.

Cut up all the cards you don't use, stop her access to your next card, change passwords etc.

All the good you are doing by not having the coffee / cake etc out to save money is gone in a flash by her clothes etc you have to pick the tab up for.

You have such plans to decrease the debt and the wife is just putting it up again, are you sure she spends all her money on the horse/s, she may well have nest egged it away.

I wish you well.

HoneyRoastedParsnip

Hi DasDachs,

Can you get any of the food spend down any further? How much cooking is ready meals or done from scratch?

From other posts they tend towards children not being used as a reason to avoid conflict as they probably know about issues anyway and the good of the kids is probably not unhappy adults around them. https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6290183/i-am-trying-really-hard-and-my-husband-just-isnt#latest

I had 60k of debt which I hid for years although this was mainly my mess. It became so much easier together even though my wife wasn't earning at the time (childcare). You are on a good wage and very similar situation to my one.   

I have read the issues and anything you can do to raise the subject will help - I would leave the horses and 'allowance' out of it.

I would leave the monthly budget or payment plan laying around as a plan to get the interest down - make it about the banks stealing your hard earned cash? Because the current one sided approach doesn't seem like it will work or it will need 'hard measures' (blocked cards/closed accounts etc and tears) rather than a softer approach you prefer.