Facing up and time for action

DasDachs

No problem with the questions @BellaLasagna2018.

No she’s not aware of the scale of it, and I don’t really feel as if it’s something I can raise. Money has always been a difficult topic for us and when I do raise it, things can become quite heated quite quickly. 

In terms of what she spends her money on, it’s on her hobby. She earns around £12-15k pa but everything she earns goes on her hobby and none towards family expenses. Again, when I have raised contributing financially to the family, the default position is that I earn more therefore I should pay. I’ve given up asking her to pay for things as it becomes fraught. I’ve managed to reduce the amount of money I give her towards her hobby each month, but it’s still £250 a month that I’d rather either got spent on debt, children or savings. She regularly comments that £250 a month is insufficient, but I’ve held firm against that.

It’s not a particularly healthy state of affairs and I recognise that, but I’m resigned to getting on top of it under my own steam - which I think is achievable.

BellaLasagna2018

Thank you @DasDachs for answering my questions. I had a feeling you were on your own in this. Hopefully, this diary will give you the support and the ability to vent, discuss things and celebrate successes that you may need along the way. 

DasDachs

Thanks for taking an interest  @BellaLasagna2018. It’s certainly good to read other diaries and get a sense that it’s not just me aiming to get on top of things. It’s not a quick fix but I think the diary will help as I progress my debt free journey!  

ratrace

Just read the last few posts in regards to your wifes contribution, dont take this the wrong way

but i genuinely feel sorry for you, she works part time spends all her money plus gets an extra £250 which she dosent think is enough and makes no financial contribution to the household and whenever money is mentiond it gets turned into an argument, she surely has benefited from the debt directly or indirectly unless you blown it all on the horses. im a big beliver in team work especially during tough times. for richer and poorer etc....

doing all of this on your own is going to be tough going, not only financially but also emotionally i just find it very hard to comprehend the lack of support maybe its the way we was bought up i have 3 sisters all are educated and have always worked (teachers) even when the kids were born as soon as maternity leave was over back to work they went, mum and dad bought us up to be independent with a good work ethic. when my bil were out of work for a short time my sister took a second job doing private tuition to help the family out

im sorry i dont mean to sound harsh or offend you but your a stronger person than me. keep posting on here and we will cheer you on. all the best

DasDachs

Thanks @ratrace - absolutely no offence taken and in many ways what you’ve articulated mirrors my thoughts and feelings about it. It’s actually helpful to get another perspective that sees it as an abnormal financial position in a marriage.

No bookies or anything like that were involved in building the debt (luckily) just a case of rolling things over month on month and putting things like car repairs, Christmas, birthdays etc on credit over time. It’s certainly something I should have dealt with long ago, but I’m hopeful that this is now when I get on top of things. 

BellaLasagna2018

DasDachs said:

Thanks for taking an interest  @BellaLasagna2018. It’s certainly good to read other diaries and get a sense that it’s not just me aiming to get on top of things. It’s not a quick fix but I think the diary will help as I progress my debt free journey!  

This side of the forum really helped me when I was in debt, doing it on my own , simply because I was on my own with a child at that time.  I think that’s why I lurk around here still, occasionally posting. Very helpful and supportive people. 

I share ratrace’s feeling about your situation, but I think you’ve got enough on your plate without me commenting on your personal life knowing nothing about it. 

Don’t dwell over the fact you should have dealt with your debt long ago, you’re doing it now! 

DasDachs

A good couple of days at work - yesterday I went in to one of the work offices which was great. So good to get in a room again with others and actually brainstorm rather than relying on skype meetings. It was a really productive day and needed ahead of some client meetings. Apart from putting some fuel in the car (£46) I didn’t spend anything else and took food with me.

Today has been home working and a no spend day. This month I’ve been lifting my activity levels after a bit of slacking. When working from home became routine, I started the day with a walk around the village and the same st the end of the day - 30 mins each time which replaced my commute and also got me moving. I also fitted in a lunchtime walk today, so my step count average is looking far better this month than it has for a while!

The only expense remaining this month is the weekly shop - and probably a McDonald’s for DS tomorrow after football. Nothing then planned this weekend, although I’d like to get out for a longish walk at some point. On Monday I have a sailing lesson booked for DD - I sailed a lot when I was younger and she really wants to give it a go, so it should be a nice Dad and daughter day. 

DasDachs

Off work for a long weekend today and the joy of the weekly shop this morning. I'm doing a mixed shop between Tesco and Aldi today so I'll be interested to see what that looks like in terms of overall spend. Tesco alone is invariably at least £150 a week when my wife does the shop online, so I'll be aiming to be under this. Only spend yesterday was aMcDonald's for DS and I on the way back from football - I intended to have something at home, but they didn't finish until 8pm and it was then an hour's drive home, so £12.07 spent.

DasDachs

All up today was £139.24, which is comparable to what I spent last week - and that’s all meals for the week. That’s over £10 a week below budget and if I manage to stick to that a whopping £500+ saving over the course of a year! I’ve taken the ‘saving’ from this week and last and popped it into a separate savings account, so I can flex when required in the weekly shop, but also it’s a visible reminder of what a bit of saving can achieve. Feeling quite pleased with myself and it’s time for a cup of tea! 

LittleMissDetermined

Just came across your diary and will subscribe to cheer you on your journey.  Whilst I do agree with some of the comments others have made in relation to your wife's contribution, I'm not sure how I would feel about contributing £250 a month to my hubby's hobbies if I'm honest. Is it a particularly expensive hobby? 

We don't have a joint account and as I earn quite a lot more than my OH we worked out bill payments based on our individual % of overall income. It seems to work quite well, although I do pay a bit more... but I don't mind and I still get to have personal spending allowance and overpay on credit card debt. We have never really argued over debt/money, which probably is a bad thing because I guess it kind of 'normalised' it and we didn't tackle it as early or as seriously as we should have when we were younger. 

Sorry, I have rabbited on at a tangent. I hope you feel like you're supported on this forum, I know it helps me stay on track having my diary and taking part in challenges. 

Just a thought, Is it worth saving your grocery savings each week to put towards the Christmas shop? Ours usually ends up being doubled at least at Christmas so it might be nice to have a bit put aside to cover it?

Also, consider some of the payment or savings challenges, such as the emergency fund challenge or payment a day.  They really make a difference for me. 

Again, rambling on...

Good luck!
LMD x