Money Moral Dilemma: Should I send a gift even though I was uninvited from the wedding?

Afourteen

If you haven't already sent a card then send one now. As for a gift, if you wish to give - don't buy anything just send them a cheque or cash for a sum (say £30/40/50). I'm sure that will be appreciated far more than a toaster/kettle/frying pan. Cash when added together can buy household items or furnishings, (white goods, carpets) which will be far more appreciated and far more use than a single item. When we married my response to a wedding list was we prefer money - it carpeted the house, bought a fridge/freezer, a new sofa and a new mattress. Of the actual physical gifts we have 2 items left, a vase and a set of crystal glasses. Giving money is not being thoughtless or a cheapskate but exactly the opposite (OK it's my opinion and I'm sticking with it!)

neilmorgan

ljcrighton said:

No, if they are rude enough to uninvite you then they aren’t really deserving 

 It's not a matter of being rude. During the pandemic there has been a limit on number attending weddings and receptions.. At one point only the registrar, bride, groom and 2 witnesses were allowed.

jenniewb

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

A friend recently got married. I was on the guest list originally, but was culled when they decided to have a smaller, Covid-safe wedding, which was understandable. They've said they're going to plan a party for a later date so we can all celebrate, but now I'm unsure what to do for a gift. If I send them one now (I'd have got them one if I'd gone to the wedding), will they expect another one when the party rolls around? Or should I wait until the party, even though the gift may then look like an afterthought?

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Depends; if were me I'd consider how much a push it was to include me to the cermony; eg big family which has to be invited for cultural or financial reasons, I'd keep my gift as it was. If I was really snubbed (eg all my friends invited but not me) I wouldn't gift, or show. If it was a case that I was just an unfortunate loss to a medium sized party, you really have to play it by ear, ask what others are doing, if it was a cost I could ill afford, if it was not a special event in comparison to a birthday (everyone deals with weddings differently) I might leave it out or drop the cost by a fair whack, end of the day; if you shirk on things too much, it's not just the bride and groom that suffer, it also makes you out to be cheap or bitter. 

REJP

As others have said, it is not the fault of the couple that Covid-19 regulations forced them to limit numbers.
You can ask them if they have a wedding present list and if so get them something they really want if they really are good friends.  

I would not take a present to a party without having some idea of what the couple would like in case other people turned up with the same item.

Pollycat

I don't buy people gifts just because I'm invited to the wedding.
What an awful 'quid pro quo' attitude that is.

maisie_cat said:

We've not been to 2 weddings in the last 2 years and given gifts for both.
Our nephew invited us very late, I assume we were reserves.
We couldn't make it and we still sent a gift. We didn't get a thank you, I suspect that they didn't record the gift because we were not there. My niece had to postpone her wedding last year  and had only 2 guests, we sent a gift to her as well but at least she had the decency to say thank you.
Personally, if it happens again I will wait until there was a proper reception, giving £500 to people who don't even thank you is depressing

That's not depressing. It's just plain rude. Not just in a wedding scenario but for every time you give someone a gift.

dave_shawcross

Send a gift on the wedding day, (remember to put a RSVP note in) do NOT get them a second present if they invite you to the later party.
Hope you get the invite to the party, and enjoy it.
Dave 'S'

pollypenny

If it's a friend why wouldn't you buy a gift to celebrate her/his wedding?   Friendship is about support. 

I'm sure the smaller guest list wasn't by choice. 

Carol2000

maisie_cat said:

We've not been to 2 weddings in the last 2 years and given gifts for both.
Our nephew invited us very late, I assume we were reserves.
We couldn't make it and we still sent a gift. We didn't get a thank you, I suspect that they didn't record the gift because we were not there. My niece had to postpone her wedding last year  and had only 2 guests, we sent a gift to her as well but at least she had the decency to say thank you.
Personally, if it happens again I will wait until there was a proper reception, giving £500 to people who don't even thank you is depressing

What on earth are you doing giving gifts of £500! A wedding should be about celebrating with people you care about - so something thoughtful worth £25 is fine or perhaps up to £50 for a close friend or relative. If they object to that then they're not worth keeping in touch with. 

City_Girl_3

To be honest, I give gifts when I am inspired to do so - I don't wait for invitations.  A few years ago my cousin got married and didn't invite me, probably because I live overseas and maybe she thought it would be too big a financial burden for me to even consider it?  I'll never know the reason because I didn't ask.  But I was so happy for her and her new husband, I sent them a gift off their registry anyway.
The best gifts are gifts given from the heart, not given because of protocol.  So in your shoes I would still buy the gift and if there was a later celebratory event I would not feel obligated to buy again - because hopefully your friend will have taken time to notice the lovely gift you already sent.

DoesntEnjoyCapitalism

Giving a wedding gift isn't something you do in exchange for a free wedding lunch. You give a gift because you want to.

They are probably very sad that they've had to scale back their guest list because of a global pandemic. I would still get them a gift regardless, it shows that you value them.