Money Moral Dilemma: Should I send a gift even though I was uninvited from the wedding?

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

A friend recently got married. I was on the guest list originally, but was culled when they decided to have a smaller, Covid-safe wedding, which was understandable. They've said they're going to plan a party for a later date so we can all celebrate, but now I'm unsure what to do for a gift. If I send them one now (I'd have got them one if I'd gone to the wedding), will they expect another one when the party rolls around? Or should I wait until the party, even though the gift may then look like an afterthought?

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NBLondon

If you were going to send a gift - send them a gift.

If they do have another event; play it by ear then with a smaller gift if you want to... 

Or create another dilemma for us if they explicitly ask for another gift.

TBagpuss

It's entirely up to you. There's no requirement to send a gift, and no right or wrong answer. If you want to give one, then do.

If you give a gift now you certainly don't need to give another when they have the party, any more that in normal times you would be expected to give one gift at the wedding and a second at the reception.

So you're free to give one now, or give one at the party, or neither

Personally I'd send a card now, and if they were close friends I would have give a gift to if they were getting married and I couldn't make it to the wedding, then I'd give a gift now, as well.

if they were people I was less close to,   I would probably wait and take one to the party if / when it happens and assuming I was invited. 

That sad, since they have already got married, I'dwait and send a gift when they have the reception. 

flossy_splodge

No invitation, no need for a gift.

If money is no object then send/give something as/when you see them. Simple.

Monsternextdoor

Send them a gift, then if they have a party etc give them a novelty gift.

ljcrighton

No, if they are rude enough to uninvite you then they aren’t really deserving 

Odysseus

Shame they had to cull the guest list but given the legal requirements in the last 18 month no choice really for them except complete postponement,   

Personally I would send a congratulations card and maybe something small like a bottle of nice vino - then when the party happens get the gift you would have taken to the wedding if you could have gone

LauraCV21

ljcrighton said:

No, if they are rude enough to uninvite you then they aren’t really deserving 

Wow! Rude enough to uninvite you! They said they were uninvited for a covid safe wedding - lots of people have had to make that sacrifice - and they understand that. The actual question was based around when should they give them a present.

Personally, if there's a later event I assume you sent a card at least for the original event. If you sent a gift then nothing is needed for the second event. If not, send a card now, with a 'gift promise ticket' for the 'after' party and ask if they have a gift list so people don't duplicate - I remember the days of getting umpteen kettles and saucepan sets before lists became de rigeur.

maisie_cat

We've not been to 2 weddings in the last 2 years and given gifts for both.
Our nephew invited us very late, I assume we were reserves.
We couldn't make it and we still sent a gift. We didn't get a thank you, I suspect that they didn't record the gift because we were not there. My niece had to postpone her wedding last year  and had only 2 guests, we sent a gift to her as well but at least she had the decency to say thank you.
Personally, if it happens again I will wait until there was a proper reception, giving £500 to people who don't even thank you is depressing

keithyno.1

maisie_cat said:

We've not been to 2 weddings in the last 2 years and given gifts for both.
Our nephew invited us very late, I assume we were reserves.
We couldn't make it and we still sent a gift. We didn't get a thank you, I suspect that they didn't record the gift because we were not there. My niece had to postpone her wedding last year  and had only 2 guests, we sent a gift to her as well but at least she had the decency to say thank you.
Personally, if it happens again I will wait until there was a proper reception, giving £500 to people who don't even thank you is depressing

Oh my god, that is shocking. Your nephew invited you very late (as reserves you say, but sounds more like an afterthought to me)? 

OK you couldn't make it, but you still sent a present worth £500 and you didn't receive any thanks??!! They sound like the relatives from hell. 

This bad example simply papers over the fact that the WHOLE business of wedding gifts is rotten to the core, unnecessary and wants ditching. 

It's become a commercialised, corrupt system where indulgent couples spend absolutely ridiculous amounts of often borrowed money on their own vanity project, then expect to recoup it all (and more besides) from the guests who are unfortunate enough to be invited and are then emotionally blackmailed into effectively throwing money at them as if it was confetti. 

You want to throw a party (wedding or any other)? That's fine, but don't then grubbily try to make a profit out of the guests you invite.

roger_c

Give them a gift!

No getting married is not about the gifts, but speaking from experience (we wed last September during restrictions). We originally had a guest list of 120 (and send invites to those people) but had to postpone and were only able to have 20. We were sad we couldn't have everyone we wanted there on our day, but it was just as special. We personally wrote thank you cards to each and every person that was kind enough to get us a gift.

Some family members and, what we thought, were close friends (one of whom I was best man for) didn't get us gifts or even a card and my husband and I both felt quite hurt.