Dilemma - WWYD?

Martin_the_Unjust

You have a friend who reads people’s personal diary and then gossips about it?

I’d be getting a new friend.

elsien

Parent snooped in my diary when I was late teens.   Because “I’d left it lying around so I obviously wanted her to read it.” No, I hadn’t hidden it because I didn’t expect there to be any need to.

She found out some things I would never have told her, and some uncomplimentary things about her which I felt served her right.
it’s now rather more years later than I care to admit and I still don’t fully trust her not to snoop again. She says she wouldn’t, but she did. Hard to get past that, whatever the reasoning. 

Malthusian

BriNylon said:
Eg what if daughter finds a out mum knew all along and hadn’t told her. 

She already knows or she will shortly. There's no such thing as a secret between two people and as others have said, if your friend has told you she will have told it to all and sundry, which means it will reach the daughter one way or another.

The "What should I do" stuff is rubbish, she told you for the thrill of revealing somebody's intensely personal details. If you're in a dilemma about whether to reveal a secret or not, you keep it secret. If you need advice you talk to somebody who already knows it.

If she was genuinely torn about whether her daughter has a right to know (she doesn't), she could have talked to her daughter's boyfriend. (She didn't have to admit reading his diary, she could have said she came across the news report.) Which would have resolved her "dilemma" as either a) the boyfriend would have convinced her to mind her own business b) the boyfriend would have failed to persuade her to mind her own business and convinced her that her daughter should not have the truth kept from her or c) the boyfriend would have either promised to tell his girlfriend himself or confirmed he already had. 

But of course she didn't. Because the boyfriend already knew. So talking to the boyfriend wouldn't give her the illicit thrill of blabbing somebody else's stolen secrets to all and sundry.

And no, the daughter doesn't need to know. It doesn't affect her in the slightest if her boyfriend's mother had suicidal thoughts six months ago. If there's an ongoing issue affecting her boyfriend, either her boyfriend will tell her or she'll find out herself.

swingaloo2

If I were you I would get rid of the friend. I would certainly not let someone like this in my house knowing what I know about her. 

If she snoops in one persons business she snoops in anothers. Why would you want a friend like this.

Spendless

Why would daughter not already know this about her boyfriend's Mum? She shares a flat with her boyfriend, so presumably the relationship is longer than 6 months old? Your friend also thinks this was 'attention seeking' from his Mum, especially to Mum's husband, so  your friend must know the boyfriend's parents, which suggests that daughter's and boyfriends relationship pre-dates his Mum's suicide attempt. You also say that it was on local media. So either  boyfriend has managed to keep it from daughter, or their relationship is less than 6 months old.

Do you think perhaps, daughter is well aware and hasn't confided in her Mum and your friend has given you a different 'spin' on it all and is really asking you 'shall I tell daughter I've found out, that she didn't tell me' 

I have no idea why someone would want to pry in their adult daughter's boyfriend's diary. Is your friend generally a nosey person, or was she justifying it to herself looking because she believed something was up and was trying to discover what it was. It just seems an odd thing to do.

Suicide, attempted suicide, and suicidal ideation, have all happened in our circle of family and friends. It can be very difficult to talk about, and  process. It may well be that daughter already knows and is respecting her boyfriend's and family's wishes not to discuss it with anyone else. 

So no, I wouldn't encourage your friend to tell her daughter she's found out. I can't see what possible motive there is to do that. Presumably she'll have learnt her lesson about looking in other people's diaries? 

Pollycat

I agree with the majority.
Despicable thing for your friend to do.
And to then tell you about it.
None of her business and none of yours.
I would have to tell the friend how I felt about what she'd done.
And I'm not sure I could ever be friends with her going forward.
I wouldn't feel able to trust her not to share anything I told her. 

Mojisola

Pollycat said:

I wouldn't feel able to trust her not to share anything I told her. 

Or not to snoop on my paperwork if she was ever alone for a few minutes while visiting!

TBagpuss

Your friend had no business snooping in her daughter's partner's diary. She had no business then gossiping to you about what she had done. Her assumptions about the reasons for boyfriend's mother's actions are also deeply uncharitable. And pretty arrogant, if she assumes that she is able to determine what the mother may have been feeling or thinking. 

In your position I would seriously be re-thinking my friendship and making absolutely sure that I never left her alone in my home where she could go snooping. This person has shown you who she is, take heed of that. 

If she is asking for your advice, then the advice I'd give her is that she needs to admit to her daughter's partner that she read his diary, apologise, and then do what she can to try to re-build their trust in her. It is the partner she needs to apologise to as he's the one who she spied on, and while she also owes her daughter an apology for misusing the key she was given, and violating their trust, she should absolutely NOT say anything to either of them about the details of what she rea or her personal opinions of the same.

If the boyfriend wants to tell his partner about his mother's situation, then he can do so, and may well already have done so.. But the mother has absolutely no right to make that decision on his behalf. And if it were to come out later that she knew and and didn't tell her daughter then the explanation that she only knew because she was reading something private which she should not have seen should be good enough explanation for any normal person as to why she did not then share the information that she had obtained in that way. 

There may be a small number of situations where it would be appropriate to share information you had found out by snooping around - where disclosing it was necessary to protect a child or other vulnerable person, for instance, but they are very few ad far between and this is not one of them. 

breaking_free

Malthusian said:The "What should I do" stuff is rubbish, she told you for the thrill of revealing somebody's intensely personal details.

^This 1000 times.
Let me share a wee story with you. Years ago a teaching colleague let me sit in on his lessons to learn the ropes. Each lesson was one-on-one, and as the next student arrived there was always an overlap, meaning that the students knew each other by name and sight. Each arriving student was treated to a laugh at the expense of the previous one e.g. "Lord Snot's just left. He's an arrogant so and so. Right, so today's lesson will be..." What the students didn't realize was that THEY then became the butt of the joke for the next student.

When I told another friend how distasteful I found this practice he quipped, "Well I wonder what he said to his students about you?" I was speechless because it was so obvious he was right. The next time I saw my colleague I asked him "So what did you tell your students about me?" He spluttered in reply, "Oh, nothing bad!" I thought, "Gotcha".

Your "friend" spilled the beans readily enough to you; what's she saying about you to others, because I guarantee she is talking about you... 

Pollycat

Maybe the OPs friend should consider the possibility (maybe probability) that her daughter knows about the suicide attempt and the reason she didn't mention it to her Mum was because she knew it would probably end up shared with other people and splashed on social media.
As for the OP's friend saying it was only a claimed attempt to get attention - what monumental arrogance and disregard for someone else's mental health issues.
It beggars belief!

I think the OP has made a grave error of judgement by posting this.