How can I help my son?

squirrelchops2

Your post immediately made me think of someone just saying last week that there is a difference between 'being alone' or 'being lonely'. Which do you think your son feels?

Being alone and comfortable in that is great, but being lonely can be the most soul crushing way of feeling and living.

 I think the ideas re volunteering are great and would hopefully help your son to build his confidence. It certainly sounds like he is in a spiral of low mood, eating or drinking to feel better but this is adding to his weight issues and thus he then feels low about it and so on. 

[Deleted User]

Ah I do feel for your son.

Best thing he can do is to join a singles club if he can, I found my nearest on Facebook - it has been a breath of fresh air, talking to both men and women, found I was in good company, others with just as much hang up's etc - it got me excited and actually inspired to want to go out and meet - their have been regular group meet ups, it's not awkward pressure dating if I can say.
Over the last couple of months, I don't feel so alone.

The weight issue is hard, I don't know what to say except I think you can come to realise you are overweight - I went to turn over in bed the other week and couldn't so it spooked me to the point of this is scary, I have to do something. 

All the best to him x

pmlindyloo

I have been trying to think 'outside of the box' as there have been some good ideas already.

Your son does sound as if he is depressed about his life.  I am going to be very blunt and say that he's in his forties, very overweight, has had health problems (hopefully all in the past), has (maybe?) a boring job, is very shy, has 'given up' on life and lives at home.

I am not being intentionally negative but trying to see it as he and others might see it.

You are obviously able to see what a lovely person he is but unfortunately it will take time for others to see and maybe, most people will not be 'bothered' to look beyond the first impression.

So how to change that?

I believe dating sites are not the answer.  Single women in his age group are looking for someone they instantly 'fancy' - sorry but its' true.  Volunteering is a good idea but may not be something he is willing to try.

I think that it may take more than suggestions to 'get out more' from what you have said.

So, I am going to put something 'out there' and see what you think.

I am sure you and your husband are wonderful people ,kind and warm and you have said that he has his own rooms.

But, he does not have his own independence.

I am wondering if he needs a gentle push.

Are you in a position to help him with buying a house - savings wise, equity release wise?  Or help with finding and furnishing a flat?

This would, in my opinion, be a good move forward.  It would give him something to look forward to, get him interested in his being master of his own life and maybe, just maybe give him some hope in his life.  And once he had hope he may just address some of his other issues.

Please don't take offence at this next part. 

I have seen so many young people in their late thirties and forties living at home with absolutely no inclination to move.  It is such a cheap way to live for them and yes, I know, many do to save money.  Others have no intention of tightening their belts and saving money but enjoy the comforts and benefits of living with their parents.

No matter how much you try, having an adult son or daughter living at home is not always a 'healthy relationship' for the parents or the offspring. Yes, I know they will always be your son/daughter but they never seem to 'grow/mature' living at home in the same way as those who have their independence do.  


Just my thoughts........

krusty101

I’m female and although I went to university and have got a good job I can sympathise with your son, as I was very overweight from about 11 to 30. I was/am an introvert but also can fake it when I need to, have good friends and a social life. 

The ONLY thing really to fix my situation was to lose weight. Easier said than done. Something just clicked in me one day and I went onto the Lighter Life programme and lost 6 stone in 6 months. I say this because losing weight gave me my confidence back that I could meet a man. It’s not all about looks, being thin, etc but I do think meeting someone is about exuding confidence and losing weight gave me that. 

I’ve been up and down weight wise since (I’m 44 now), but doing it once meant I knew if it got a problem again I could fix it. Your son is depressed and only he can fix that by seeking help. He’s overweight and only he can fix that. You’re offering him your support, so keep doing that, but only HE can fix his life. If he can just lose a little weight he’ll feel better about exercising and going out and I promise you it will snowball. Being a touch thinner gave me the confidence to take tennis lessons for example, something I’d wanted to do for years. 

Good luck to you and your son. 

MalMonroe

The biggest problem is that your son has to want to change so much that he starts taking his own steps towards that goal.

As the parent of a 40 something daughter I understand exactly what you're going through as she has suffered periods of great depression, thoughts of suicide, anxiety, disinterest, refusal to see a doctor and great frustration on our side. She lives with me - her dad and I are divorced - and it was so awful to see her sinking as she did. I was the only one who saw her despair and couldn't help. 

Unfortunately, your son will have to reach the point where he seeks help because he wants to and not because you want him to. I learned that the hard way, since we tried to push our daughter to seek help when she wasn't ready and it didn't go well. I agree, it's heartbreaking to witness your child going through this and there is nothing you can do. 

The turning point for us was when she became ill and had to be rushed into hospital because her blood pressure was so high that she could have died that particular day. She remained in hospital while they worked to lower the BP and find an effective medication. Two weeks. That was a terrible time for us all but was the catalyst that led to her eventually working part time from home, taking on a Masters degree (she had no undergrad degree but demonstrated to the academics at a red brick uni that she was capable of doing a Masters from home on a part time basis). She also has counselling once a week with someone who practises EMDR, which she started at a time when nobody even knew what it was. It helps.

She still lives with me but she now feels that her life has more purpose and is happier. She did have a long term serious relationship in the past but doesn't feel that a relationship is the be all and end all in life. After being married and then divorced, I do agree. Sometimes relationships can make you miserable. I have friends who are in unhappy marriages and they feel trapped but don't do anything to escape.

Given my daughter's experience, I feel there IS hope for your son but any desire to improve his life has to come from him. And that's the hardest thing to understand. But you cannot live someone else's life for them, not even your child's. 

RAS

nutternut

Obviously,  your son has never been highly social but many many people have found their world shrinking these last 16 months.

The things that made a bit of a difference have gone, and if he works shifts your son won't benefit as much from the minor social contacts that come from regular habits anyway. What I mean is that I used to get myself out first thing, and chat to several people who might be commuting, dog walking or taking kids to school. Those conversations got longer and more meaningful as we met regularly over the last few years. But your son does not have that advantage as his job prevents such regular habits.

Everything bar the dog walking stopped with Covid, the time was allocated by shops to key workers and the vulnerable, and we weren't supposed to go out more than once daily, so those casual meetings pretty much came to a halt.

Your son has probably lost a lot of his social interaction and even if not depressed, his world is diminished even more than most. 

I'm good at being alone but even I found it hard occasionally.

Is there anywhere near you that is OK for walks; locally here they are generally very busy? If so, try to get him to accompany you going out. Try to make it a regular if flexible habit. And on his day off a couple of times a month get out somewhere for the day, if only with a flask and pack up. Then ask if there's anywhere he wants to go......

With respect to his skills, if his writing is illegible don't worry so much if he can type. So much of life is now on-line.

 It may be worth him exploring some of the free educational materials on-line, just so he has a topic to talk about rather than to get a qualification. If something sparks, he could consider taking a qualification later, more to show that he can do it and to demonstrate that this older dog can still learn new tricks.

Best wishes to you both.

Zinger549

You could have a look at meetup (www.meetup.com) There are lots of different groups on there (social fitness, learning ect). I go to a pub meetup and also member of movie, boardgame and walking groups. There's bound to be something on there that interests him and it's a good way of meeting new people and getting out of the house.

theoretica

I have a friend who was prescribed exercise by their GP for weight and mood - and given very discounted access to the council gyms and especially swimming pools.  If this is something available in your area, might it be a useful push getting him out doing something?  Would he be likely to accept this as it is not medication?

It seems very draining not knowing his shifts more in advance - if he could shift to regular hours or even better advance notice that would help a lot.  Are all his colleagues on the same short notice and shifts?

It does sound to me as though meeting people, rather than meeting 'someone' would be a great starting point, just being around people a bit more.  Are there any local dog training/exercise/meetup groups?  Or is there something you could start volunteering with and get him in too? 

bargainbetty

With regard to the poster who mentioned that losing weight was a key for them, I'm on that path too. I joined Slimming World (groups are open again now). There are usually a few blokes there so it's not entirely female- dominated, and it offers a way to start a few non-threatening conversations to build confidence. It teaches a better way of eating to improve health and promotes exercise. My last group has a few people who started training together a few times a month as support for each other because they didn't have anyone else to train with - that might help him too. 

With regard to the 'happy pills', it might be worth noting that the doctor can also have him signed up for a six week counselling course on NLP - kind of reprogramming your thought processes to seek a good thing instead of spiralling on a bad thing. it helped me a lot when I lost my job due to Covid cutbacks. 

Ultimately, until he decides to do it himself, there isn't a lot you can do, but I wish you and him the very best of luck. 

davelewis

You sound like such a lovely mum. Good on you for trying to help him. Maybe he can join a fitness group, walking group or some other outdoor activity group. Lots of possibilities. Good on him too for holding down a job.