How can I help my son?

nutternut

I am so worried about my son and I am at a loss about how best to help him. I think the world of him and dont like seeing him as he is, so down I am seriously worried about his state of mind. I try to encourage as I have always done and emphasise the positives but he will just tell me that I dont understand and that he has nothing to offer anyone, a factory job, 2nd hand car, no home of his own, terrible health and life is passing him by (his words). He does not have the confidence to ask anyone out, says he has been laughed at too many times to risk it again. It breaks my heart as he is the kindest person and would be so good for someone.

Its going to sound as if I am putting him down when I write the next bit but I never put him down, I just want to write a honest background.

He is 44, single, never married. Only had a couple of girlfriends and has no confidence at all in himself. When younger he had a lot of learning difficulties and  problems at school. He was terrible at sports so never got chosen for teams, he had extra help in schoool which at the time we thought we were helping him but he told me a couple of years ago that he wished we had not got him the help as it only served to make him feel inferior and he did get teased and bullied right through school.
He has always been shy and diffident when meeting new people but once people know him they do like him and he has a hell of a sense of humour.
 As time has gone on he seems to have lost all confidence in himself completely. He lives at home with me and his dad but he has his own self contained side of the house. He has a job which he really hates but has no particular skills and because of the learning difficulties he still struggles, can read and maths is good but his writing is illegible.

He has looked at other jobs but they are few and far between and even though he hates where he works he has been there 14 years and its a full time job with average pay so he doesnt want to go to a zero hours.

He has several health issues some of which have been life threatening and he is vastly overweight. He spnds all his free time from work sitting in his room listening to music or gaming/watching tv.  He has never made friends easily, he chats to people at work but never gets invited to socialise. He does go to the pub on his day off but goes
in the afternoon as he says if he goes at night he just sits alone and sees couples enjoying themselves. He sits and chats with a couple of  'mates' but these are men 20-30 years older than him. 

His rooms are a mess, he seems to have no pride at all, he keeps himself clean, showers twice a day but has no pride in how he looks. His clothes are never dirty but he does not do smart unless it some sort of family meal then he will make an effort.
He is drinking too much, not necessarily alcohol (although I think that is building) but fizzy pop and he will binge on chocolate and brings a pizza home when he has been to the pub.

He got an exercise bike a year or so ago and used to go to the gym often but he gave up on tthe bike, its just stuck in the garage and he wont go to the gym now as he is embarresed by his size.
Ive tried to suggest he joins walking clubs but as he works any 5 from 7 and early/late rotating shifts he never gets the same day off and only knows a week in advance when his day off is the following week, the 2 days off are never together either which does not help.

He has never had a proper hobby, no interest in anything much apart from walking and wildlife. Anything practical is a no-no as he struggles with fine motor skills. No sport interests him probably because he stuggled with it some much at school.

He is now at the stage where I think he is giving up, all his cousins have wives and children and he has started to refuse to go to family do's. Any suggestions are met with reasons why 'he cant' some of which are valid and some I think are excuses. he is an only one, no sibling and I'm worried that when me and his dad are gone he will have no-one. 

I want so much for him. He is kind, funny, caring, honest and genuinelly lovely. But I'm frightened that he is at the point of no return and he has given up on life going forward. He is brilliant with children but often says he would not want children of his own as they 'Get on his nreves' but thats just a bluff as when I see him with any of his cousins children he is wonderful and Im sure he pretends he does not want children for the same reason he says he 'Couldnt be bothered with a woman' it's just saving face.  I often think that somewhere there must be a woman who is equally shy and would love someone to take her out and if only they could get together! He wont go on a dating site as he says 'No picture and I would get no response, if I put my picture on I woud def get no response'. He could never be describes as tall, dark and handsome but neither is he completely unattractive. But again he has no confidence to egt out there. He did once get chatting to someone online and she arranged to meet him. He met her at the station and she took less than 10 minutes to dissapear into the toilets where she must have rung someone and get them to ring her as she  had a phone call to say she needed to come straight home as her mum was ill.  She then blocked him online, he would have been very shy when they met and nothing like the chatty funny guy she thought she was meeting.  He says he will,never put himself in that position again as it was so humiliatilng. 

His life is passing him by and I know he is deeply unhappy. I've tried everything, encouragement, saying nothing at all, even nagging and trying to provoke him into something but every year I think 'something will work out for him next year' but every New Years Eve he goes out for 2 hours in th afternoon then comes home and says something about everyone out there having fun. 

I really dont know how to help him, I know I cant do it for him  but itsso upsetting seeing him as he is, he is getting bigger and bigger as he gets more down.  

He wont go to the doctors as he says he does not want 'happy pills' to pretend he is happy. 

What can I do. Thank you so much for reading if you have got this far.

tooldle

I didn’t want to read and run, but not sure i can help much. 
Does the family have a wider social circle? I suppose what i am asking is, what opportunities are there for meeting new people or making friends within existing family parties, gatherings etc. 
A few years back i worked with a chap who was very similar. He was keen to meet someone but had neither the courage of the knowledge/experience/confidence or skills to put things into action. He felt a great deal of pressure from his mum who would often say to him ‘surely someone wants to climb the social ladder a little’. This comment centered on h8m being a researcher with a PhD. I guess what i am trying to say is what we do for a living is not of important to the right person. The right one will look at his personality, morals etc. 
You've mentioned he likes walking. Could you all join a local walking group and try a few walks without any pressure? Once he is established as part of the group, he may well go alone, similar to his pub visits. Having other people to chat with brings perspective. It may not find him a partner but it will likely break him out of the rut and lift his spirits.

nutternut

I really appreciate you replying. 
We dont have a massive social circle family wise, as years have passed we have all become more spread out in terms of where we live so the family events are few and far between. He refused to go to the last one which was a wedding as he said he didnt want all the 'no girlfriend yet' comments. 

I certainly try not to put him under pressure as its the last thing he needs. To me, he has a steady job, works hard and earns a wage and that is a big positive. He has much more than he realises to offer someone but he just hasnt got the confidence.  
He did join a walking group just before lockdown hit but he only went a few times. He said they were all couples and most of them were 'older than you and my dad'. 

he walks for miles with his dog and I hought perhaps he would meet someone through doing that. He often comes home and tells us about having a 'lovely chat with someone today' but again they are all pensioners. he just does not seem as confident chatting  to younger people. 

Sky_

I'm also not sure I can help much, especially after tooldle's very good suggestions above.  Any exercise in the fresh air is great for boosting mood and exercise with a group is even better!

I would add that I'd mainly focus on the positives in your son's life when talking to him and praise/big up what his strengths and what is going well.  Such as him having mates at the pub (I don't think it matters that they're much older than him, a friendly face is a friendly face, after all). 

He seems to be a hard worker and has a full time permanent job, which is actually really great!  

He also sounds like a fab, fun uncle to the younger family members, which is another great quality.

I'm sure he has many more great qualities and other (maybe small) areas of his life that are going well.

Maybe strengthen the above by talking about successful or happy people you know, or famous people, or historical figures, who have such things as a steady job, a kind and funny nature and other qualities that your son has.

On a side note, I do believe that society can place far too much emphasis on 'happy couples' and 'families', yet there are loads of happy and content single people in the world.  We just don't hear about them because they're busy living their happy lives!  I'd move away from the focus on meeting someone etc when talking to and interacting with your son. You can't change society, but if your son believes that you believe he can be happy as a single adult with a few good mates and a loving extended family, then he might start to be more content with his current situation. 

Good luck, I hope you find a good way forward.

nutternut

Thank you Sky. 
Just to pick up on a couple of things you mention. 

I never let on to him about how worried I am and I make a point of praising his strengths, its something Ive done since he was at school when he would gt upset because he could not do something, I always came back with a  'But you can'. 

He has been hesitant at pushing himself forward since he was small, I remember he was at nursery and making a birds nest shredded wheat and they had to get 4 eggs from a packet of those little pastel coloured chocolate eggs. He  for birds eggs. He was right at the back of the queue, I sat and watched as others just pushed past him (he would just let that happen) and he was upset when there were only brown and white eggs left, all the coloured ones had been taken. So I told him that he was so lucky that he had got the eggs that were the proper colour.  I always tried to put a positive spin on things.

I dont ever bring up the fact that he is single and to be honest it wouldnt worry me at all if I thought he was happy and content. It's just that I dont think he is happy, in fact I know he isnt from remarks I hear him make. I dont mind if he is single at all as long as he is alright. 

Ive seen a big change recently, as I say he is gaining a great deal of weight, starting to drink more than he probably should, binge eating and generally getting more 'down'.  He has heart problems, has had a stroke and cancer so the weight gain is worrying but its as if he doesnt care any more.

He made a strange remark a few weeks ago, a neighbout died and we were talking about how only a few people can be at a funeral at the moment. He laughed and said 'You wouldnt be able to rustle up that many for mine anyway'. 
He has 4 aunts, 3 of which live miles away and 6 cousins but in all honesty apart from them he has nobody. He went away on his own for a few days on his 40th and I was so glad he did. It struck me that even if we had wanted to give him a bit of a do it would have been impossible as I cant even think of one person he can call a friend other than someone we lived next door to when he was growing up. He has kept in touch with him but he now ives in Spain. 

Both me and his dad have always been quite sociable and I have quite a few good friends, all of them say what a nice guy he is but he just cant seem to take any confidence from what anyone else says. 

sheramber

it sounds as if he needs counselling.

A personal trainer would be one to one so he wouldn't need to be among other people.

Unfortunately, only he can help himself. 

You seem to to think he needs to be part of a couple but there is nothing wrong with him  being single and not wanting children of his own.

Rather than you feeling he is missing out not having these things support him in his choice. It doesn't matter why it is his choice.  

It may not be your choice but it is his choice not to put himself out there. Until he has a better self image that won't change.

A counsellor could help him with that.

KxMx

There is nothing wrong with being single but he doesn't seem happy being single. There is nothing wrong with that either. 

I'd suggest he could think about a volunteer position that he could fit around his ft job, maybe something outdoors like walking dogs for a rescue or maintenance of wildlife habitat? You can largely pick and choose your own hours and how much notice to give on your availability. 

The right position matched to his interests can be really rewarding and help gain confidence.

Also meetup has different groups, he could have a look and see if he fancies joining anything. 

oystercatcher

KxMx said:

There is nothing wrong with being single but he doesn't seem happy being single. There is nothing wrong with that either. 

I'd suggest he could think about a volunteer position that he could fit around his ft job, maybe something outdoors like walking dogs for a rescue or maintenance of wildlife habitat? 

The right position matched to his interests can be really rewarding and help gain confidence. 

I was going to suggest volunteering too. It's a good way of meeting like minded people and if you are busy doing something together it covers any shyness until he's got to know people. It's good just to make friends without even thinking about finding a partner but that may just happen naturally in time.

Savvy_Sue

If there's a local Scout group, they'd probably love to have his involvement on the volunteering front. 

tooldle

I am struck by your comment of not being able to think of one person who you would call his friend.
My sibling is exactly like that. He has plenty of people he talks to (or talks at) but no actual friends. In his case it is because of his own behaviours. The key question being i suppose, is the lack off friends caused by something your son can actually change? Shyness for example can be overcome, other behaviours cannot. 
Amongst my single friends, i can immediately think of 5 males who have either never had a relationship or managed to maintain a relationship past a few weeks. Amongst my other friends there have been marriages, divorces and live in relationships (multiples of for some individuals). One of the 5 above managed to access counselling through his GP. He felt the sessions to be useless as they didn’t bring him the long term relationship he wanted but, he did learn that ‘relationships’ are not the utopia he thought. The sessions were full of women with very difficult relationships and partners. He was the only male. He also learnt the context of his situation being favourable in comparison to what the other groups members were going through.

seven-day-weekend

I do feel for your son, as my son could so easily have been in the same position but thankfully he met 'the one' when he was 27 and they are still together now that  he is 41.  But I do understand what you are saying .

I think you are doing the right thing in praising his attributes and understanding about being happily single.  But he is not  happily single, is he?

When he put his information on the dating site, was he honest?  Did he say he was shy but once he had got to know someone better he would open up?  There must be plenty of shy young women on dating sites who would understand this and not let it put them off from meeting him again.

Otherwise I agree with a former poster about volunteering for something that interests him.  At least he would meet other people with the same interest, that is a starting point and would give him something to talk about.  At the very least he might make some friends.  My husband and I have made  two friends who we would never have met through our normal lives, by helping the local MP with his canvassing. They are of a different culture to us, and our paths would never  normally have crossed, but did through this voluntary work.

I wish your son well and hope he finds peace in his life.