Partner is still married, after 4 years of being together?!

Pollycat

martin_2312 said:

 My partner has even said he wouldn’t be offended if I left him for a simple life as this is all I want. A simple life, stages in a relationship to progress, a man who is solely mine..

If a man said this to me I would be querying his commitment.

caprikid1 said:

What is the obsession with marriage ? Divorce can be a long painful process. Maybe he feels sticking a curtain ring on his finger did not work last time so maybe try something different, marriage is a historical religious ceremony that we are made to feel we should do. If you want to understand the large amount of lies and propaganda around marriage then just research the rip off and exploitation that is diamonds.

I think the bit in bold is fine as long as he is not lying to the OP that he will marry him/her once the divorce is finalised but has no intention of doing so.

Nothing in the OP's original post suggests one thing or the other so we don't know if he is anti-marriage or not.

Lots of questions thrown up.

Would be good if the OP comes back to respond.

MalMonroe

What you say here - "I love him dearly but I have started to wonder if I should wait another year in a standstill relationship?

I can’t help but feel I would probably be married and have bought a house by now if I avoided the man who was going through a divorce."

Raises a red flag. If you DID love him dearly, nothing else would matter. At all. You'd be happy to live with him and love with him and be his partner, full stop. 

Why do you want to be married and have bought a house so badly? It does not matter what anyone else thinks, says or feels. 

You want a simple life. Sadly it sounds as if your life is going to be nothing like simple for a long time yet. Why on earth do you think you are dirty? You are nothing of the kind. You're just someone who wants to love and be loved. BUT I don't think this is the right man for you. You just don't love him enough. And he doesn't love you enough either since he has said he 'won't be offended' if you leave him. That's a covert message right there. Neither you nor he is committed to this relationship so why put yourself through any more of this nonsense? Go, be free to meet someone who is like-minded and right for you. 

maman

Yet another thread where the information is so limited that posters can only speculate. OP says she feels like a 'dirty mistress' so possibly they go out on dates to places and with people who where there is little chance of the wife and children finding out. He's done well to keep the relationship a secret for 4 years! For all we know, he cou still be living at home and travelling a lot 'on business'. 🤔

Alias_Omega

In 4 years, you have not met his ex-wife or children?  Probably hasn't met his family either..

Your a mistress!

One post wonder also, hit and run... drive by poster 

74jax

Have you met his family?
Have you met his friends?
Have you been to weddings, birthdays etc together? 
Do you go on holiday together?
Do you have days out/weekends away? 
Have your friends meet him? 
Do you spend Christmas, New Near, birthdays together? 
Do you stay at each others? 
Are you in a relationship other than his wife and children knowing about you?
Are you still reading the answers and questions? 

sassyblue

you're a mistress and you're being played.

freesha

£50 says he is still ACTUALLY married to her. You are the mistress.

Emmia

I'd say you're his mistress and he's still enjoying marital relations - he's having his cake, eating it and going back for more. 

Honestly, I wonder if you're really valuing yourself properly - I'd end this relationship, since I can't see that you'd be heading to the altar with this chap.

Spendless

As a somewhat gullible 20-something, I dated a bloke who was in the middle of a problematic divorce - allegedly. The reality that I discovered several years on, was he was still married, he even had a child born within the time frame of our relationship. Of course this was easier to do years ago before social media and commonplace mobile phones plus he was in the forces at the other side of the country.

Now the other side of the coin we do have a relative who remained separated for many many years not getting round to getting divorced, despite 1 or 2 long term relationships (though marriage was never on the cards with any of them). I'm talking well over 10 and probably longer, in which time their only child became an adult. 

You need to establish which you are. Are you a secret to everyone? Do you go to his house? Are you together on key dates and all day, not snatched hours here and there?  If it's genuine then you need a talk about how you see your future progressing, 

Malthusian

caprikid1 said:

What is the obsession with marriage ? Divorce can be a long painful process. Maybe he feels sticking a curtain ring on his finger did not work last time so maybe try something different, marriage is a historical religious ceremony that we are made to feel we should do.

It also has very real ramifications for inheritance, pensions and tax. Outside people's heads, religion has precisely zero to do with marriage. Only weddings, which is very different. The courts and HMRC treat married Jews, married atheists and married Satanists exactly the same.

It is believable that someone could be in a committed long-term relationship for four years while trying to extract themselves from a messy divorce. The new partner would know this was the case because the "married man" would have been open about updating their Will and pension nominations, as well as the progress of the divorce.

If the kids don't know about the new partner after 4 years there are two possibilities, 1) the kids and their father are estranged, 2) the new partner is not a partner, they're a mistress.