Partner is still married, after 4 years of being together?!

Pollycat

martin_2312 said:

My partner is still married after 4 years in to our relationship and has been going through divorce proceedings with his ex during the entire time. 

I feel like a dirty secretive mistress and I am embarassed to say I am with a married man when work colleagues, friends and family ask when we’re going to tye the knot! It’s painful when it’s brought up amongst new people too to the point I tend to not bring my private life up in conversations. 

I feel like the relationship is at a standstill, he does say he’s trying his best to resolve the finances as this is what is holding the divorce up (there are kids involved whom do not know about me nor the ex wife) which also makes me feel horrendous when I think about it, I often try to ignore feelings like this. However it is there.

I love him dearly but I have started to wonder if I should wait another year in a standstill relationship?

I can’t help but feel I would probably be married and have bought a house by now if I avoided the man who was going through a divorce. My silly fault I know..

Each year I am promised that the divorce would be done “this year” but each new year I am still dating a married man.

This doesn’t effect our relationship everyday but it is in the back of my mind and I have the devil on my shoulder when I sit down and truly think about the situation I am in. 

 My partner has even said he wouldn’t be offended if I left him for a simple life as this is all I want. A simple life, stages in a relationship to progress, a man who is solely mine..

I just didn’t think the divorce would take so long! I’m pretty positive Adele’s divorce was over quicker than this and the complications from that I imagine we’re much higher. Lol. 

Has anyone else been in this position or from an outsiders view, should I be ‘waiting’ for this sort of thing to happen?! 

Is he really trying his best to resolve the finances or is he letting things slide as it's not really that high on his list of 'things to do'?

Do you know what the reason for the delay is?

I would be questioning why my partner's kids do not know about me if I had been in a 4 year relationship with their Dad.

Don't you live together?

How does he see his kids?

Benthebadger

I think that unless you get some honest answers to your questions you run the risk of becoming depressed or emotionally damaged yourself. There is nothing more destructive to your self-worth than being kept a secret. Yes, divorces can take a very long time as solicitors do like to make money from their clients. I can also understand why his children don't know about you if his estranged wife is spiteful and might cause access issues to their children. However, I'm not sure you should allow this situation to go on indefinitely. Your own life is ticking away and is on hold  terms of what you want (is that marriage and children of your own?) Don't wait until you find it's "too late" for you to do what you want, so why not have a conversation in which you set out some deadlines of your own? That will sharpen him up if the love is truly a 2-way thing.
(I wondered about your "man's name" on the forum too)

sheramber

same sex relationship?

TBagpuss

I think you need to talk to him.
The fact that, fter 4 years, his wife and children don't know about you is a red flag. All other considerations aside, if you and he are cohabiting or planning to do so he has a legal obligation to disclosure that information in any financial proceedings, as it's relevant. If you are not living together but are only dating then he would still have to disclose if he intends to marry or cohabit with you.  

If he is lying about this to his ex then bear in mind that that's something he  is showing you about who he i - he's demonstrating that he's willing to sustain a lie about a major part of his life, if it suits him. 

You say that you could have bought a house by now if you weren't with him - you still can - buy a house in your own name if you are in a position to do so. If your relationship with him works out then you can always chose to add his name at a later stage, he can put money in at that time. 

4 years is a very long time not to have told his children about you or introduced them. It's perfectly reasonable, and normal, to allow children time to come to terms with the fact that their parents are separating, and to allow time for any new relationship to get through the early stages so kids aren't constantly introduced to a new girl/boy friend every couple of months, but normally 3-6 months would be reasonable. How confident are you that they'd already split up when you started dating him?  What explanation has he given you for not telling his kids about you, or introducing you?

Resolving financial issues can take a while, but 4 years is not normal and would be very unusual. What stage sre things at? Has either of them issues court proceedings? You partner can do that if his ex hasn't, even if she is the one who started the divorce proceedings, provided that the divorce has reached the Decree Nisi stage. If the divorce hasn't got that far then  why not - normally it would get to Decree Nisi within a couple of months of the petition being issued, unless one or both parties is deliberately delaying -and if his ex is doing so, your partner has the option of issuing his own petition. 

CookieMonster

martin_2312 said:

I love him dearly but I have started to wonder if I should wait another year in a standstill relationship?

I can’t help but feel I would probably be married and have bought a house by now if I avoided the man who was going through a divorce. My silly fault I know..

Aside from the scant information - of course this lady knows exactly why her partner hasn't introduced her to his children - she already knows what she should be doing, purely from the lines above (never mind the fact that he would let her go (paraphrasing) if that would make her happy).
Perhaps google 'sunk cost fallacy' for an idea of how we can trick ourselves into hanging in there for just a little while longer (in a multitude of things, not just in romantic relationships) - this may help the OP understand her inner-struggle with the facts as she has presented them.
If a house and a husband are the goals, and those sooner rather than later, then the indications are that she won't get them with her married man.
That doesn't guarantee that she could get them elsewhere; this man may be her best bet for those. Again, information is lacking.

OP: If you would like more in-depth advice, which could be more helpful please provide more detail to the board.
If you just want to vent or share to help you consider the situation yourself, feel free to do that too.

NBLondon

martin_2312 said:

I feel like a dirty secretive mistress and I am embarassed to say I am with a married man when work colleagues, friends and family ask when we’re going to tye the knot! It’s painful when it’s brought up amongst new people too to the point I tend to not bring my private life up in conversations.  

The answer "We can't until his divorce is sorted out..." should be acceptable to most people... as is not raising the subject at all.  As others have said - be more worried about the fact that neither the wife (not yet ex) or children know you are an established part of his life.  That may be to avoid the divorce being more acrimonious (or financially ruinous?)  but after 4 years of separation, you're entitled to wonder if your relationship is really going anywhere and how committed he really is to a new life with you.

BrassicWoman

Here's the key question: where does he live? 

caprikid1

What is the obsession with marriage ? Divorce can be a long painful process. Maybe he feels sticking a curtain ring on his finger did not work last time so maybe try something different, marriage is a historical religious ceremony that we are made to feel we should do. If you want to understand the large amount of lies and propaganda around marriage then just research the rip off and exploitation that is diamonds.

izawa

Leave him. If he can leave someone for you, he can leave you for someone as well. Also if he has kids, don't be the reason why their dad won't be spending his time with them. Let him be with his family, you like him that is one thing and being indirectly responsible for another woman's house to break (not moral).

BellaLasagna2018

izawa said:

Leave him. If he can leave someone for you, he can leave you for someone as well. Also if he has kids, don't be the reason why their dad won't be spending his time with them. Let him be with his family, you like him that is one thing and being indirectly responsible for another woman's house to break (not moral).

Oh dear! How judgmental! You have no idea what happened for the marriage to break down so don’t lay the blame on the OP.  Also, you have no idea what the environment at home was like before the married couple broke up. It could have been really toxic for the kids.