Partner is still married, after 4 years of being together?!

[Deleted User]

My partner is still married after 4 years in to our relationship and has been going through divorce proceedings with his ex during the entire time. 

I feel like a dirty secretive mistress and I am embarassed to say I am with a married man when work colleagues, friends and family ask when we’re going to tye the knot! It’s painful when it’s brought up amongst new people too to the point I tend to not bring my private life up in conversations. 

I feel like the relationship is at a standstill, he does say he’s trying his best to resolve the finances as this is what is holding the divorce up (there are kids involved whom do not know about me nor the ex wife) which also makes me feel horrendous when I think about it, I often try to ignore feelings like this. However it is there.

I love him dearly but I have started to wonder if I should wait another year in a standstill relationship?

I can’t help but feel I would probably be married and have bought a house by now if I avoided the man who was going through a divorce. My silly fault I know..

Each year I am promised that the divorce would be done “this year” but each new year I am still dating a married man.

This doesn’t effect our relationship everyday but it is in the back of my mind and I have the devil on my shoulder when I sit down and truly think about the situation I am in. 

 My partner has even said he wouldn’t be offended if I left him for a simple life as this is all I want. A simple life, stages in a relationship to progress, a man who is solely mine..

I just didn’t think the divorce would take so long! I’m pretty positive Adele’s divorce was over quicker than this and the complications from that I imagine we’re much higher. Lol. 

Has anyone else been in this position or from an outsiders view, should I be ‘waiting’ for this sort of thing to happen?! 

AskAsk

i believe divorce can last many years if there are ongoing arguments about split of assets and if one partner does not agree to the divorce.  my friend's divorce took over 7 years to complete and he had to be separated for 5 years before he could even start the divorce proceedings.  he and his ex-wife spent a fortune on the divorce.

being involved with someone who is legally separated, which i assume this is the case, is not an embarassing situation but it can certainly be a difficult one and your partner will probably often be completely stressed about the divorce if it is not going well.

what i would feel uneasy about if i was in your situation is why does he not openly tell everyone that he is separated and that he is now with you, so that his children and his wife is fully aware that he is with you.  i do find this strange that you have been together for 4 years and yet he has not introduced you to his children and not told his wife about you.

Sandtree

Technically have had long term relationships with two married women but in both cases the marriage was dead and they'd been separated a long time before I even met them... the first was separated about a decade before we met. Thankfully in both cases there were no finances or children involved and so it was a matter of practicality of having not done the paperwork/paid the fees. 

Ultimately these things come down to how much people want to fight over splitting the assets or visitation rights on kids etc. The later is more understandable and the former it does depend a little on how unreasonable the ex is being but really if you want it finished so you can move on you accept you give your ex more than you think they're entitled simply so you can move your new life on. 

swingaloo2

It would not be the time the divorce was taking which would worry me. It would be the fact that neither his ex nor his children know about you. That is not normal. If you are a true couple then you should have met them way before now.

HampshireH

martin_2312 said:

My partner is still married after 4 years in to our relationship and has been going through divorce proceedings with his ex during the entire time. 

I feel like a dirty secretive mistress and I am embarassed to say I am with a married man when work colleagues, friends and family ask when we’re going to tye the knot! It’s painful when it’s brought up amongst new people too to the point I tend to not bring my private life up in conversations. 

I feel like the relationship is at a standstill, he does say he’s trying his best to resolve the finances as this is what is holding the divorce up (there are kids involved whom do not know about me nor the ex wife) (This is very peculiar. Why are you a secret? Assume you don't live together, is that your choice or because his kids don't know about you? What does he say is the reason they don't know? Are they very young? Older kids aren't stupid what does he say if they ask if he has a girlfriend? ) which also makes me feel horrendous when I think about it, I often try to ignore feelings like this. However it is there.

I love him dearly but I have started to wonder if I should wait another year in a standstill relationship?

I can’t help but feel I would probably be married and have bought a house by now if I avoided the man who was going through a divorce. My silly fault I know..

Each year I am promised that the divorce would be done “this year” but each new year I am still dating a married man.

This doesn’t effect our relationship everyday (really? ) but it is in the back of my mind and I have the devil on my shoulder when I sit down and truly think about the situation I am in. (Because this would indicate otherwise and also you say you would probably be married by now & the fact you are secret is upsetting so it does effect you and the relationship it can't not when emotionally you feel this way.)

My partner has even said he wouldn’t be offended if I left him for a simple life as this is all I want (odd). A simple life, stages in a relationship to progress, a man who is solely mine..

I just didn’t think the divorce would take so long! I’m pretty positive Adele’s divorce was over quicker than this and the complications from that I imagine we’re much higher. Lol. 

Has anyone else been in this position or from an outsiders view, should I be ‘waiting’ for this sort of thing to happen?! 

Does he share the details of this divorce with you? How far has he progressed it in 4 years? They can take forever but my comments in bold would worry me more. How committed is he?

Also are you writing this from his account? Only ask (possibly being nosey) as Martin is an unusual "mistresses" name 😊

sheramber

Why do you need to say you are with a married man.
 It is none of their business.
Tell them you will marry when you are ready.
or as a colleague mine replied to personal questions ' that is for me to know and you to wonder'.

Carrot007

swingaloo2 said:

It would not be the time the divorce was taking which would worry me. It would be the fact that neither his ex nor his children know about you. That is not normal. If you are a true couple then you should have met them way before now.

Of course it is also resonable that telling any of them (unlikely it won't get back to the mother) will result in making things a lot slower if the ex is the sort of person that would do that.

He could be taking the smart option here. If after all is done he still does it, then it would be a problem.

68ComebackSpecial

Though his wife and children don't know about you do you socialise with his friends and are you included in events with his wider family - his parents and siblings? If you are a total secret then alarm bells really should be ringing.

Keep_pedalling

Has he made a will? Bet he hasn’t it will be just another thing he has not got round to.

HampshireH

Keep_pedalling said:

Has he made a will? Bet he hasn’t it will be just another thing he has not got round to.

If he has the presumably his children will be well looked after.

Do most people include a 4 year relationship in their will when they haven't even acknowledged the relationship to those most important to them (I'm referring to the kids)?

Keep_pedalling

HampshireH said:

Keep_pedalling said:

Has he made a will? Bet he hasn’t it will be just another thing he has not got round to.

If he has the presumably his children will be well looked after.

Do most people include a 4 year relationship in their will when they haven't even acknowledged the relationship to those most important to them (I'm referring to the kids)?

Unfortunately most people in this situation fail to make a will at all.