Getting back into driving

Raindrop32

Hi everyone I'm looking for some much needed advice please I feel like I'm the only one feeling this way. I passed my test nearly 3 years ago now first time. When I passed i drove to certain places that I new and was quite confident if I knew the area. The car we had at the time I feel helped me if I was unsure what gear to pull off in for example round about but i sometimes misjudged whether to use 2nd or 3rd gear the dash would tell me and i started to get used to it with minor help from the dash. Since then we sold that car and downgraded and I make more mistakes in this car than the other one. I still wont venture out if I dont know the area I even plan my trips incase theres road works ect. I've always struggled with round abouts they absolutely terrify me, especially when people speed in front if they have the wrong lane and I panic! Another thing that puts me off is parking! I hate it. My instructor was brilliant but I feel we didnt do much parking lessons. I'm ok to drive in if no other cars are around but I cant reverse in at all. I used to be quite good at parallel parking and now completely forgot how to do that. I always make excuses not to drive and since covid I've become worse. I hate driving with anyone else because I feel like I'm doing wrong all the time but at the same time I'm scared be on my own. I panic so much before driving. I geared myself up a few months back to take my child school and planned to go on the carpark but it was shut off and I had to pull over to let her out there were cars everywhere, then I stalled 4 times on a hill with a que waiting behind i couldn't park close enough to the kerb once home. When I went to collect her I parked further away from school and since then I've not drove. Any mistake I make or other drivers make I just start to feel shaky and nervous and have to pull over. I've known 3 people pass since and they're all out driving everywhere even motorways and here's me sticking to 10 minute trips or walking because I'm too scared drive. What should I do anyone else have this? Everyone just keeps saying when was the last time you went out, such and such drove hours when she passed or you need to get out. I know I do but I need get passed this nervous hurdle. Sorry for ranting.

Raindrop32

I also forgot to add I was taught I certain way to reverse park and parallel park but it really doenst work now I've passed it's like everything i was taught when parking just doesnt work the same now I've passed hope this makes sense. my partner says you dont actually start learning until you actually pass your test i can honestly say i now agree.

Ebe_Scrooge

Raindrop32 said:

my partner says you dont actually start learning until you actually pass your test i can honestly say i now agree.

This is absolutely true.  It's all well and good passing the test, but there's no substitute for lots of real-world experience.

In answer to your question, there's a couple of options.  Most driving instructors will offer "refresher" courses, these can be a really good way of brushing up your skills, and practising any manoeuvrers that you're a bit nervous about.  The only problem being, driving instructors with available spaces are a bit like hen's teeth at the moment.

The other option is simply to get an experienced friend/family member to accompany you out a few times.  Your partner may or may not be a good option!  It's not like you're asking them to teach you from scratch, more a case of offering a helping hand and a few tips and bits of advice if you get nervous or unsure in a particular situation.

AdrianC

Raindrop32 said:

Hi everyone I'm looking for some much needed advice please I feel like I'm the only one feeling this way. I passed my test nearly 3 years ago now first time. When I passed i drove to certain places that I new and was quite confident if I knew the area. The car we had at the time I feel helped me if I was unsure what gear to pull off in for example round about but i sometimes misjudged whether to use 2nd or 3rd gear the dash would tell me and i started to get used to it with minor help from the dash. Since then we sold that car and downgraded and I make more mistakes in this car than the other one. I still wont venture out if I dont know the area I even plan my trips incase theres road works ect. I've always struggled with round abouts they absolutely terrify me, especially when people speed in front if they have the wrong lane and I panic! Another thing that puts me off is parking! I hate it. My instructor was brilliant but I feel we didnt do much parking lessons. I'm ok to drive in if no other cars are around but I cant reverse in at all. I used to be quite good at parallel parking and now completely forgot how to do that. I always make excuses not to drive and since covid I've become worse. I hate driving with anyone else because I feel like I'm doing wrong all the time but at the same time I'm scared be on my own. I panic so much before driving. I geared myself up a few months back to take my child school and planned to go on the carpark but it was shut off and I had to pull over to let her out there were cars everywhere, then I stalled 4 times on a hill with a que waiting behind i couldn't park close enough to the kerb once home. When I went to collect her I parked further away from school and since then I've not drove. Any mistake I make or other drivers make I just start to feel shaky and nervous and have to pull over. I've known 3 people pass since and they're all out driving everywhere even motorways and here's me sticking to 10 minute trips or walking because I'm too scared drive. What should I do anyone else have this? Everyone just keeps saying when was the last time you went out, such and such drove hours when she passed or you need to get out. I know I do but I need get passed this nervous hurdle. Sorry for ranting.

You simply need to build your confidence. Confidence only comes from one place - inside you.

More lessons, refresher lessons, with an instructor may well help you - but they will only help you to build your own confidence. 

I used to work with somebody who lived in the same town. The company moved our office to the next town - they more-or-less joined, it was only about five miles between the two locations... She actually chose to resign rather than drive to the new office, because she "couldn't turn right", and "didn't do roundabouts". She apparently loved the job, and even considered trying to claim unfair dismissal... She was in her 50s, and it wouldn't surprise me if she'd found it very hard to find another job. That's an awful situation for somebody to get themselves into...

Raindrop32 said:

I also forgot to add I was taught I certain way to reverse park and parallel park but it really doenst work now I've passed it's like everything i was taught when parking just doesnt work the same now I've passed hope this makes sense. my partner says you dont actually start learning until you actually pass your test i can honestly say i now agree.

He's right... Being able to pass a driving test is the bare minimum standard.

Standardised manoeuvres like parallel parking are great... up to a point. But it's like learning a language - if you memorise the phrasebook, you're laughing until the point that the answer you get back isn't one of the ones in the book... Then you're lost.
You need to understand how to apply the basic concepts, not just memorise the examples.

It's easy to have confidence when your instructor is sat next to you, able to give you a gentle nudge and hint if it's not looking great... then for you to feel a bit lost and uncertain when you're sat there on your tod. Only your own confidence will take you forward from there.

A good place to start might be asking around locally - either among your friends or on a local FB group - for an instructor who's good at helping nervous people build confidence. Good luck!

And, when you practice, don't do it with your kid in the back at school-run o'clock... You'll be more nervous, and traffic will be far worse. Do it on a Sunday afternoon, with your OH at home baby-sitting...

BOWFER

You should maybe consider an automatic.
It's peculiar how hung up we are on manuals in the UK and clutch/gears are probably the biggest stumbling block for new/inexperienced drivers.
However, the tide is turning and there was a report on twitter the other day from driving instructors saying that over half of new drivers are opting for autos now.
The clear thinking is that all future cars will be electric and therefore auto.
If you didn't have stalling/wrong gears in the back of your mind, it frees up brain space for concentrating on other stuff.

IntotheAbyss

Honestly, the best way to get over your nerves is to just drive. The more you are in the car, the better and more confident you will feel as a driver. 

If you can, get in the car with someone you trust and who has plenty of patience, explain to them that you are nervous and would just like someone with you while you practice your driving a bit more. Ideally ask someone who can drive so they can give you pointers, but they can also drive the car back for you if you get too nervous/stressed.
Go out when it's quieter, (evenings, especially Sunday evenings, are good) and just drive around roads you are familiar with. As you gain confidence you can start to drive a little further each time or try driving at busier times of the day.
When I was learning, my instructor took me to a sort of industrial estate in the evenings when it was quiet and I would just drive around that area getting used to the car. It was on an incline too so I could practice doing hill starts.

For parallel parking, find a quiet little residential area or similar, and you can practice parking there. For bay parking, try out of town shopping parks at quieter times of the day (again, usually evenings) and park further away from the shops where you won't be surrounded by cars and just trying pulling into and out of bays, reversing into them, etc. 

It might be worth asking a driving instructor for some refresher lessons and explain to them what you want to focus on during these lessons. 
The key thing is to practice, practice, practice. More experience = more confidence.

Hope you feel better about driving soon and don't let other drivers make you feel bad if you make a mistake. We were all learners/new drivers once and there are plenty of people who make mistakes every day on the roads.

Username03725

Can you find a (relatively) quiet time on your own to go for drives, with no deadline and no need to physically arrive somewhere? You'll know your area, is there a longish straightish road that you can drive along and relax, just to get used to driving with no other pressures? 

Don't try the M25 at rush hour, but can you try a dual carriageway in the evening to get a feel for multi-lane roads? Just pootle along with lower traffic volumes.

I used to occasionally sit with my younger sister when she had L plates on but had a car; I remember getting fed up of her continual struggle that sounded just like yours, and barked at her once to just relax a bit, move the seat back so as not to be hunched over the steering wheel but sit back a bit instead and get on with it. It worked. Most drivers are terrible tbh, it's a low bar not to be the worst out there. The reality is that you sound like you just squeaked through your test without actually understanding how to drive, you did it parrot fashion and still do but have forgotten what you learnt. Another set of lessons would help but as above, instructors are in demand. A friendly confident colleague, acquaintance or relative might help but too many don't have the first clue anyway and would either reinforce your lack of ability to teach you worse habits. Practising at quiet times sounds like your best option for now.

Grumpy_chap

Hi OP, my wife had to stop driving for a number of years and when she started again, she took a course of lessons with the AA for refresher purposes.  It was really helpful to her.  You could ty something similar.

Raindrop32

Thankyou all so much for your replies just reading them has made me feel loads better about it. I think the refreshers are something I'm going end up looking into. It really annoys me that I feel this way I've wanted to drive for so long and now I can I'm too nervous to just get in and go. My confidence was just starting to show and then for some reason after a few mistakes from either me (nothing at all dangerous just little things) or from other drivers and I'm a bag of nerves. 
your right it is easier when you have that nudge from the instructor. When I've done parking with my partner he has said I'm so stuck with the basic parking of what I've been taught and it's just not working. I get embarrassed when parking. 
I just know the longer I leave it the worse itll be. When I passed I purposely made myself go to a shop in a small town, park and then come back and that nudge in me isnt there anymore I just make excuses for myself and think maybe I'll do it next week. 
I just dont understand how I've gone from being able to drive confidently (around areas I know) to dreading sitting in the car. It's such small things putting me off for example I was going my mums once and theres a small roundabout I slowed down looked , changed gear, nothing coming, away I go only it wasnt a smooth pull away it jumped back I've never had that before I thought I'd actually broke something lol. Then that same day going back home was another roundabout uphill  the traffic lights were changing to green I thought I had enough go to continue and stalled and couldn't start again worse place to stall is uphill. Driving the other car we had I never had this issue it seems this car is so much different to our last so I suppose I need to try get used to it. I really want to do it for myself but also my kids so I can take the oldest school of I ever need to and take my little one somewhere in the holidays. I tried so hard on my lessons and took my time after a bad experience with another instructor before as my confidence was knocked with him and it took me a while to even start up lessons with someone else. I CAN DO IT! I'll keep telling myself. Thankyou again for your replies I really appreciate them.

Goudy

Everyone out on the road has and will continue to make mistakes and anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar. (except me of course!)

It's a skill in itself how you handle mistakes, both yours and everyone else's but it's a skill almost impossible to teach, you just have to keep calm and be patient. It will come with practise, your mistakes will improve and you will cope better with the odd one that crops up from time to time, your and others.

The things you describe about your driving aren't new to any driver, make no mistake about that! Most won't admit it (or more likely can't remember that far back) but we've all suffered the same at some point and I'd bet a large percentage might even have got better (though my confidence of that is laughable low!)

I wouldn't know the percentage of incidents on the road that are caused by over confidence behind the wheel, but I would guess it's astonishingly high. So look at that a positive to start out on.

There's good advice here about getting more training, either professional or just a friendly face or perhaps even swapping your car. Modern cars do tend to come with helpful kit these days, parking sensor and camera, blind spot monitors, electronic auto hand brakes with hill hold and so on, perhaps even an automatic car.

These could be helpful tools, but at the end of the day they won't replace the skill which you will need to learn and practice and that has to come from you.

I've sat in with learners for hour after hour and taught a few people to get their A2 motorcycle license, including our boy and my younger sister and the hard part is trying to get them to identify where they go wrong or are coming up short. Once they start to see these themselves, they usually have the answer to correct them themselves.

You've done the hard part already and identified them, now work out how to correct them, it's certainly not beyond you. 

 

Ebe_Scrooge

Driving a different car does take some getting used to, even more so for an inexperienced driver.  You've referred a few times to stalling when pulling away - that's nothing to be worried about, it's just that the new car has a different engine size, different gearing, different characteristics to the old one.  You just need to get used to how the new one drives.

As an example ..... my own car is a medium-sized car, reasonably large engine, nothing flashy but I wanted something that's comfortable for regular long-distance commuting.  I'm always careful to drive it as sympathetically as I can, 'cos I want it to last :-)  One thing I do is never over-rev the engine when pulling away (unlike my father-in-law, my God he revs the guts out of his car, it makes me cringe!).  Anyhow, we got a cheap runabout for my son to learn in, a very small car with a tiny engine, perfect for a learner.  First time I jumped in it I stalled. Gave it a similar amount of revs as I would in my own car, but because it's such a small engine it actually needs a lot more.  I'm used to it now, of course, and happily switch between the 2 without a thought - but even someone with 30-odd years experience doesn't get it right first time every time :-)