Elderly neighbour now wants to pay me for helping her...

mamabuddah

(If this is the wrong section can a mod move it!)

I have been going into an elderly neighbour for some time now (and to be fair with the last 12 months and Covid she would have seen very few people if I hadn’t been going daily). I was the person who liaised with social services over the years to get carer cover (last 6 months)  and make sure she was entitled to various benefits having previously done this for my late mother in law. 

Before Covid, it was me who ran her to Dr appointments (not so many car journeys these days) and I regularly do her shopping for food stuffs and my husband does all her online shopping for her (e.g. waterless shampoo products or electric blankets or kettles, just some examples). My husband says he loves to think if his mum had been on her own there would be caring people out there that would help the same way we are.

But this last year has brought home to her just how much she values what we do for her and therein lies the new problem.

She now wants to “pay” me for everything I do. I have always helped her without expectations of any financial reward, in the same way I did all these things for my late Mother in law. I’ve tried to explain this to her, she’s 94 and as sharp as a knife! No matter how often I tell her I don’t need paid she tells me she was advised by social services, the additional benefits she receives are to pay for taxis/transport, all the jobs she can’t do herself and to pay someone to do all those little extra things for her. 

She has suggested she pays me £200 a month, and won’t accept no for an answer. I’m not keen on this and this was never the reason I’ve done this for more than the last 5 years, I’m now in a quandary, my husband says if I go down that route I really should have something in writing...if for no other reason than to demonstrate I’m not taking money off her without her knowledge. 

Should I just accept her offer? And stop any “heated” discussions (she can be feisty), I can’t really see an option other than stopping doing things for her. She has no immediate family and any “distant” relatives are elderly and literally quite a distance from her. 

I’m happy to hear any views readers on MSE might have or even any suggestions of what type of contract (however basic) I might use to keep things right for future reference.

TELLIT01

Suggest to her that the only costs you incur are if you have to use the car, so you will work out on a monthly basis what that costs but that is all you are willing to charge her.

I had a similar situation with our neighbour after her husband died.  She was very independant but her mobility did become an issue and she did start asking me to take her to doctors appointments and similar.  None of the trips were more than a couple of miles and I just waited in the car for her.  She wanted to pay me for my time but thankfully we had known them well enough for long enough for me to make it very clear that wasn't going to happen.  The compromise of paying for petrol was accepted by both parties, and she did also insist on taking us out for lunch once.

A potential problem for the OP is that if they refuse to accept any form of payment the neighbour may go elsewhere when any work is required and get ripped off.

MovingForwards

Exactly as Tellit01 has said and if your neighbour still insists just say a box of chocolates, flowers or something else on top of petrol costs is more than enough.

I've got one who brings up beer to our flat every few months, because my OH puts his bin out while putting ours out. 

PennyForThem_2

Agree with above - work out expenses for petrol/car wear and tear.  For instance you could look up on internet NHS agreed rate for car use for NHS staff.  This differs according to literage of car i.e. when I was working it was (I think) 0.35p per mile.  Unions and NHS agree when there should be an increase.

If she still wants to pay you ask her to contribute to your preferred charity - make it a really big deal for you.

mamabuddah

Thanks for the replies so far, I’m quite liking the idea of setting it aside and maybe doing something like a holiday on which I could accompany her, obviously at her age it could be problematic, I’m sure she would enjoy that as she was quite well travelled even in her 60’s....maybe a coach holiday?

missile

If she wants to give you £200 per month, take it and put it into a savings account. If there is any hassle later you could give it back. Using it for a holiday would be very kind. 

RetSol

Thanks for the replies so far, I’m quite liking the idea of setting it aside and maybe doing something like a holiday on which I could accompany her, obviously at her age it could be problematic, I’m sure she would enjoy that as she was quite well travelled even in her 60’s....maybe a coach holiday?

I think that this is a good idea.  If a holiday is a bit much for her, some days out, lunches and flowers might be a good idea.

I agree with your husband that it would be a good idea to put the arrangement in writing - a simple letter from her to you will do.  Does she have any relations who visit her?  If so, you might ask her to inform them of the arrangement so that they know that it is above board. 

Janey3

Other side of the coin - my lovely neighbours help me with grass cutting, shopping and other jobs. They refuse any monetary payment for this.

Your neighbour wants to retain her independence as I do and finds it difficult to accept help without 'paying her way' .

We oldies appreciate the help given to us, without which, I would flounder for sure, as a widow on my own with no close family.

What I do now is give them vouchers for a meal out, beers for the man of the family, and little gifts throughout the year. 
Most of the time I leave it on their step with a thank you note. 

Next time she wants to pay you, you could say, ''well, I have seen a lovely vase, rose bush, or whatever, etc that I've got an eye on, that would be lovely to have' and you could accept some money for that.

Quite acceptable for you  to accept petrol money for the trips you make to appointments.

You sound a lovely caring neighbour, thank you.

Mojisola

Janey3 said:

Next time she wants to pay you, you could say, ''well, I have seen a lovely vase, rose bush, or whatever, etc that I've got an eye on, that would be lovely to have' and you could accept some money for that.

I think that runs the risk of being accused of manipulating the neighbour more than if a set weekly amount was being paid - all written up as suggested. 

GaleSF63

Mickey666 said:

If the neighbour really is 'sharp as a knife' it may be a case of her not wishing to be completely dependent on someone else.  It might well be that she is, in a physical sense, dependent but it might help her general well-being to feel she is independent by paying for the help she receives.

I agree with this. After all, lots of people who are not dependent in any way pay for cleaning, gardening, shopping. It gives a sense of organisation, maybe achievement, running their lives to suit them. 

I am on your neighbours side. Over the last year a friend has been helping me; keeping my car going; hospital appointments; other bits and pieces and when she first helped we were looking at eleven weeks! She must have spent so much time running about for me now. She won't take payment unless it's for a specific thing she has paid out for, just the odd bottle of wine which is not nearly enough and I'm still trying to work out what best to do - and it is preying more on my mind as time goes by. But I will do something. 

Time4T_Accounts

Killjoy here ... £200pm x 12 months = £2,400 pa = potentially taxable income.  HMRC may decide you’re running a business. Then you might be into the realms of needing public liability insurance.  The charity route would seem a good idea if you don’t need the cash.