Father in care home, sibling & his wife causing waves

warwick2001

Without trying to sound harsh, is your brother a @!$%?

If he is a horrible, selfish man, then chances are your original thoughts are quite possibly correct, and now he's sniffed the money, he's moving in to make sure he gets his share (and maybe more, money can people do the most hideous things), quite possibly egged on by his wife (but you'll never know that, only an assumption).

If he's usually a decent guy, then maybe he feels guilty about ignoring your dad for the last year, and wants to be more involved, but has gone a wee bit too far. A respectful conversation between yourselves could sort the issue, and put you both on parity with the visiting (covid safe, of course).

wannabe_a_saver

TheMsTeale said:

He will, but the problem is because of covid, as you probably know they only allow one visitor. That is supposed to change to 2 visitors in the near future, but if they wangle it so his wife is the second visitor, then I could potentially be left out of visiting him for the foreseeable future. I could visit at least once a week, the distance is not a problem.

That wouldn't be right, and I would hope he wouldn't do that, most siblings wouldn't.  It might be worth dropping in to conversation that you are really looking forward to the change to 2 nominated visitors so you can see him again and even visit together. 

tooldle

My mum has been in a Care Home for a number of years. Please believe me when i say Care Homes are not daft/blind when it comes to actions of relatives. They will have seen and heard the stunts before. They will revert to whoever has POA or Guardianship in the event that something unethical goes on. 
Placing a relative in care is a stressful experience, particularly for the person holding all the responsibility. Try to take a pause before you react. There could be 101 reasons why your brother is getting involved with the situation and 99% of those reasons will not include trying to get Dad's money. Try to put aside preconceptions and have an open chat as to how you might work together, to help and support Dad. See what falls out of that conversation. 
If you find yourself in the 1% situation, there are plenty of sources of support. The manager of my mums facility flagged potential financial abuse to me. The evidence was provided for me to review, it was pretty clear cut. We then worked together to agree a way forwards which protected mum. The abuser continues to visit mum despite all access to her funds being closed. 

TheMsTeale

wannabe_a_saver said:

TheMsTeale said:

He will, but the problem is because of covid, as you probably know they only allow one visitor. That is supposed to change to 2 visitors in the near future, but if they wangle it so his wife is the second visitor, then I could potentially be left out of visiting him for the foreseeable future. I could visit at least once a week, the distance is not a problem.

That wouldn't be right, and I would hope he wouldn't do that, most siblings wouldn't.  It might be worth dropping in to conversation that you are really looking forward to the change to 2 nominated visitors so you can see him again and even visit together. 

Yes I intend to do all I can to make sure I am the 2nd visitor, whether they like it or not. I know Dad would want to see both us first, before anyone else. They are only allowing one visitor at a time, even when it changes to 2 visitors, so it would be on different days I would imagine, for the time being anyway. Thanks for your replies, much appreciated.

TheMsTeale

KxMx said:

TheMsTeale said:

KxMx said:

My Mum knows that due to my circumstances if she needs care I can't provide it and if that means a care home so be it.

I don't drive so while I want the best place for Mum it also absolutely needs to be somewhere I can get to easily by bus or reasonably priced taxis.

So location would be a big factor for us. 

I would personally put how good the home is first, even if it means travelling a bit more. 

Obviously I don't know your circumstances but when you don't drive, are fully reliant on public transport and have some money spare for taxis, but not a lot, choosing to travel a bit more becomes a luxury. 

It's not my choice to be disabled and unable to afford a car either but that's the situation. Sometimes life is less than ideal and that limits choice. 

Yes, I know all our situations are different. I wasn't judging, just making a comment on my particular situation. 

wannabe_a_saver

TheMsTeale said:

wannabe_a_saver said:

TheMsTeale said:

He will, but the problem is because of covid, as you probably know they only allow one visitor. That is supposed to change to 2 visitors in the near future, but if they wangle it so his wife is the second visitor, then I could potentially be left out of visiting him for the foreseeable future. I could visit at least once a week, the distance is not a problem.

That wouldn't be right, and I would hope he wouldn't do that, most siblings wouldn't.  It might be worth dropping in to conversation that you are really looking forward to the change to 2 nominated visitors so you can see him again and even visit together. 

Yes I intend to do all I can to make sure I am the 2nd visitor, whether they like it or not. I know Dad would want to see both us first, before anyone else. They are only allowing one visitor at a time, even when it changes to 2 visitors, so it would be on different days I would imagine, for the time being anyway. Thanks for your replies, much appreciated.

Try not to approach things with the assumption your brother is intent on wrongdoing, that won't help the relationship or do your state of mind any good.  I would be really surprised if your brother did try to cut you out of visits, that would be a very extreme course of action. 

Sea_Shell

TheMsTeale said:

wannabe_a_saver said:

TheMsTeale said:

He will, but the problem is because of covid, as you probably know they only allow one visitor. That is supposed to change to 2 visitors in the near future, but if they wangle it so his wife is the second visitor, then I could potentially be left out of visiting him for the foreseeable future. I could visit at least once a week, the distance is not a problem.

That wouldn't be right, and I would hope he wouldn't do that, most siblings wouldn't.  It might be worth dropping in to conversation that you are really looking forward to the change to 2 nominated visitors so you can see him again and even visit together. 

Yes I intend to do all I can to make sure I am the 2nd visitor, whether they like it or not. I know Dad would want to see both us first, before anyone else. They are only allowing one visitor at a time, even when it changes to 2 visitors, so it would be on different days I would imagine, for the time being anyway. Thanks for your replies, much appreciated.

As I understand it, the "one nominated visitor" is not set in stone in legislation.

Changing who the visitor is, is ultimately, at the discretion of the care home.

I can't remember where I read it, but I did.

So if they are allowing say one weekly visit, that can be person A one week and person B the next.

TBagpuss

TheMsTeale said:

He will, but the problem is because of covid, as you probably know they only allow one visitor. That is supposed to change to 2 visitors in the near future, but if they wangle it so his wife is the second visitor, then I could potentially be left out of visiting him for the foreseeable future. I could visit at least once a week, the distance is not a problem.

I would contact the care home now, let them know you are very anxious to be able to visit your dad and as them to record that you will be the second visitor. You could mention that you want to make sure that your brother's wife isn't added by mistake resulting in you being unable to visit, and ask that they contact you before making any changes. 

In the meantime, talk to the home about other options - do they have facilities to let you talk to your dad using FaceTime or similar? Are they facilitating visits outdoors or through windows, for example, which are permitted in a addition to the one 'full' visitor.?

I would also speak directly to your brother, let him know that of course you don't grudge him being able to see your dad and that you are glad that one of you is able to go, but tell him ho much you are looking forward to being able to see dad again as soon as it is possible, and that you''ve let the home know that you want to do so the moment a second visitor is allows, so they know that you will be the other visitor as soon as a second one is allowed

So far as a will is concerned, it is very unlikely that they could get him to change this as he has been assessed as not having capacity - capacity can fluctuate so someone may have capacity some of the time, but if things are at a point where there is an active application for deputyship any will would be very much open to question (especially if the change was to disinherit a child who had cared for him. 

Keep_pedalling

They will not be able to block your application for deputyship unless they have evidence of misdeeds. As you are the person who had all the interaction with the care home. I don’t see how you sibling can usurp your roll in that. I presume you have informed the home that you are applying for deputyship?

Normally it is better to have two deputies in case one becomes incapacitated, but that sounds difficult in your situation.

TheMsTeale

TBagpuss said:

TheMsTeale said:

He will, but the problem is because of covid, as you probably know they only allow one visitor. That is supposed to change to 2 visitors in the near future, but if they wangle it so his wife is the second visitor, then I could potentially be left out of visiting him for the foreseeable future. I could visit at least once a week, the distance is not a problem.

I would contact the care home now, let them know you are very anxious to be able to visit your dad and as them to record that you will be the second visitor. You could mention that you want to make sure that your brother's wife isn't added by mistake resulting in you being unable to visit, and ask that they contact you before making any changes. 

In the meantime, talk to the home about other options - do they have facilities to let you talk to your dad using FaceTime or similar? Are they facilitating visits outdoors or through windows, for example, which are permitted in a addition to the one 'full' visitor.?

I would also speak directly to your brother, let him know that of course you don't grudge him being able to see your dad and that you are glad that one of you is able to go, but tell him ho much you are looking forward to being able to see dad again as soon as it is possible, and that you''ve let the home know that you want to do so the moment a second visitor is allows, so they know that you will be the other visitor as soon as a second one is allowed

So far as a will is concerned, it is very unlikely that they could get him to change this as he has been assessed as not having capacity - capacity can fluctuate so someone may have capacity some of the time, but if things are at a point where there is an active application for deputyship any will would be very much open to question (especially if the change was to disinherit a child who had cared for him. 

Thank you that is good advice. I will be speaking to someone at the care home tomorrow so I will tell them that I wish to be the 2nd visitor.