Father in care home, sibling & his wife causing waves

TheMsTeale

The situation is that I dealt with my father's affairs for over a year until there was no choice but for him to go into care because of dementia. My brother & his wife looked after him for just ONE WEEK prior to him going into care because I was away, but had not shown their faces for the whole of the previous year, whereas I had been visiting him regularly. They now smell money (I think he is being egged on by her) and they are trying to push me out, by jumping in and insisting that they are the nominated visitor at his care home and judging by their behaviour and my gut feeling, I sense that they are aiming to eventually go further and perhaps even try and disinherit me. Could they get him to for example sign a new will on one of these visits (he has been assessed as not having capacity). I am in the process of applying to be his deputy, though going by their behaviour I sense they will try and stop that too. They took no interest at all in his financial/welfare affairs, leaving me to do all the paperwork for over a year.  Now they smell money, they are continually asking about his pension, his bills etc. Any advice?

wannabe_a_saver

I would think its highly unlikely that any new will would be deemed valid if challenged, given that your father's dementia is so progressed. 

Is there even likely to be any inheritance now that he is needing full time care?  I'd just focus on getting the deputyship sorted and making sure he is comfortable for now. 

How do you get on with your brother normally?  Any chance of sitting down and working together to sort out what is best for dad?  Was he involved in the decisions around choosing the care home etc?

TheMsTeale

We hardly spoke, mainly due to living in different areas. I organised the care home, did all the calls and paperwork. His input was that he wanted it in a specific location (so easy for him to get to!). We seemed to be getting on better when it all started, so it just seems they have been scheming to me, as the atmosphere has suddenly changed and they are getting suddenly very involved and it seems to me, trying to push me out. 
I will try to do as you advise, but it is adding stress to an already stressful situation. I just hope I will be able to get to visit him when the rules change and they allow a second visitor, as I said he has got himself nominated as the single visitor allowed as he lives closest.

wannabe_a_saver

Try to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he wants to be more involved because he loves his dad and feels bad that you have shouldered so much of the hard work so far?  You can't be pushed out, you are both your dad's children, you both have a stake in what happens to him, equally so.  

Will he be able to visit more than you due to living closer?  

TheMsTeale

He will, but the problem is because of covid, as you probably know they only allow one visitor. That is supposed to change to 2 visitors in the near future, but if they wangle it so his wife is the second visitor, then I could potentially be left out of visiting him for the foreseeable future. I could visit at least once a week, the distance is not a problem.

KxMx

My Mum knows that due to my circumstances if she needs care I can't provide it and if that means a care home so be it.

I don't drive so while I want the best place for Mum it also absolutely needs to be somewhere I can get to easily by bus or reasonably priced taxis.

So location would be a big factor for us. 

HampshireH

I think you need to speakt to your brother without the wife 

It would be highly unreasonable for him to add her as the second visitor and you need to make sure he knows you have that right over her.

But don't make it confrontational, just ask what's going on and explain how rejected/excluded they are making you feel

Ibrahim5

I always think it's important to think of the role of 'government'. He is in a care home so is 'safe'. The government want you to pay the bills so want to make sure that no-one runs off with any money. Once he dies after they have taken any inheritance tax the government let the siblings fight it out for themselves. If you get into legal disputes all that happens is that the lawyers run off with the money. So you have to avoid that situation. Most parents want their children to get the same. Is that what you think is in the will? It would seem strange if it was any different.

TheMsTeale

KxMx said:

My Mum knows that due to my circumstances if she needs care I can't provide it and if that means a care home so be it.

I don't drive so while I want the best place for Mum it also absolutely needs to be somewhere I can get to easily by bus or reasonably priced taxis.

So location would be a big factor for us. 

I would personally put how good the home is first, even if it means travelling a bit more. 

TheMsTeale

Ibrahim5 said:

I always think it's important to think of the role of 'government'. He is in a care home so is 'safe'. The government want you to pay the bills so want to make sure that no-one runs off with any money. Once he dies after they have taken any inheritance tax the government let the siblings fight it out for themselves. If you get into legal disputes all that happens is that the lawyers run off with the money. So you have to avoid that situation. Most parents want their children to get the same. Is that what you think is in the will? It would seem strange if it was any different.

Yes I can agree with all that, very well put! 

KxMx

TheMsTeale said:

KxMx said:

My Mum knows that due to my circumstances if she needs care I can't provide it and if that means a care home so be it.

I don't drive so while I want the best place for Mum it also absolutely needs to be somewhere I can get to easily by bus or reasonably priced taxis.

So location would be a big factor for us. 

I would personally put how good the home is first, even if it means travelling a bit more. 

Obviously I don't know your circumstances but when you don't drive, are fully reliant on public transport and have some money spare for taxis, but not a lot, choosing to travel a bit more becomes a luxury. 

It's not my choice to be disabled and unable to afford a car either but that's the situation. Sometimes life is less than ideal and that limits choice.