Who to talk to

sassyblue

I have vented on here before and get called a doormat etc. 

This is what I don’t like about people.  It’s VERY easy for someone to simply type that when they aren’t in the situation and it make you feel worse which means nothing is then achieved.

OP, think about what you want your life to be like and then start taking steps towards it, break it down into manageable steps and keep working towards your goal whatever life throws at you.  If your husband/partner won’t seek help then you need to make a big decision or forget your plans.

It IS possible to leave them. You have savings plus there is help available.

Apintplease

Jox said:

Thanks all, I went for a long walk yesterday, left early in the morning before people got up and turned my phone off.
My problems are living with a person who drinks. I'm not the sort of person to talk to friends about problems, their answers would be to leave him which I know but not possible for financial reasons and because we have a child together.
When I have spoken to family they get upset on my behalf and don't talk to my "partner" which causes more problems between our families.
I have vented on here before and get called a doormat etc. I will try Relate and there is a charity for families of drinkers I think.
A friend of mine moaned about her partner and his drinking for 10 years, we all told her to leave him and now he has got very ill from the drinking and has brain damage and she is his carer. It feels like a cautionary tale to me.
I just feel upset a lot and don't know how to make things better.

I won't call you a door mat, Ill call you a bloody saint, but that because I am an alcoholic

I dont think anyone who is not living with someone who is an addict really understands what its like

Im a high functioning alkie. In the past I have done detox, rehab and abstention  ( 12 years ) which saved my life. Ive been back drinking now about 12 years. Not as much as I did, I never ever get drunk, but I black out most days ( ie I cant mind what Ive said or done from the minute I pick up a drink )  However I go to work, keep a house, feed a family and do all the day to day things a person has to do

My husband likes a drink as well. However we have two very distinctive drinking habits, he likes a can or two after work and thats him, where as as long as I dont have a drink Im fine, As in if I have a drink at 4pm, I keep going till the bottle is empty or I fall asleep. Im ok till I have a drink. When I start, my switch off is buggered.

What do you want from your partner? Does he know what you want? Is he promising you that and then not capable of giving?

Im answering and giving a perspective from this both sides of the bottle. When I was wild with the drink I couldn't say what I wanted, unless it was to say how I wanted others around me to change. I could not understand that I was responsible for my own feelings 

Being married or in a relationship with an alkie leaves you in the same boat really, For you its always " if only he didn't drink". Trouble is, even without the drink he would be the same, just you no long have the drink to blame

My advice - when things are over whelming and in the moment - Samaritans. You won't get any advice but you can say whats happening and how you are feeling

Al - Anon. Im not a fan of AA, but theres no where else where you are going to get the support and knowledge that you need

GP - some are better then others but find one you can be honest with.

Mostly though its finding the way to accept its not personal to you

Savetowin

Having gorwn up in a house with alcoholic parents it was really tough to not understnd why things didn't come to a head or change. The only thing i can say is try if you can to not have a culture of silence about the issue with your child once they become aware that there family isn't 'normal', even if you can't understand or justify your actions whether staying or leaving I as a child would have greatly appreciated being validated in what I noticed in my family and who knows may have been able to give my parents some support had there been a culture that enabled more talking aroud the issue. I hope this helps and i hope you resolve as much of this as you can. much love !

chelseablue

My husband is a drinker, we have a 6 year old son. Feel free to message me any time

tealady

IMO the only person who can help an addict is the person they see in the mirror.
If you need help for you and your family pls post on here so people can advise over where is the best place to help YOU.

justworriedabit

tealady said:

IMO the only person who can help an addict is the person they see in the mirror.
If you need help for you and your family pls post on here so people can advise over where is the best place to help YOU.

The highlighted bit is outdated and very wrong on many levels IMO. It is all about timing and talking at the right, early time and gudiance, outside help those that have excess problems with drink, drugs, gambling etc.  If every excess drinker was left to their own accord, many more would suffer. Counselling etc services are there as they do work and like everything nothing has a 100% pass rate but their is a lot more help out there than looking in the mirror as at times almost everyone needs a bit of help and with the right help, people can and do find it easier to return from the brink.

OP, as others have said, people on forums do help and with me just posting my thoughts helps with the decision making - so very nice and helpful people on forums

HTH

justworriedabit

chelseablue said:

My husband is a drinker, we have a 6 year old son. Feel free to message me any time

A very caring and touching message IMHO and IMO does help many when they read messages like this and many will open up on a public form something they are too fearful to say IRL for fer of being mocked, picked on and/or dismsised.

Thank you.

Jox

Thanks all, I haven't been here for a while, I joined some facebook groups for partners of alcoholics and for people with addictions, and I listened to "Love Over Addiction" podcasts on youtube and "Joe & Charlie big book study" on youtube, it's about 10 hours long and was very enlightening to listen to.
I somehow "worked on myself" and took the focus off my partner. I gave up coffee a month ago as it was making me feel more anxious and disturbing my sleep.
Feeling better about life. Thanks everyone for your support & advice

Buzzard1985

Savvy_Sue said:

If not, there is a Men's Aid too and a Men's advice line

http://www.mensaid.co.uk/

https://mensadviceline.org.uk/

Thanks for this.  Never realised.  

breaking_free

Hi @Jox, it's lovely to see you back online and really uplifting to hear that you are taking steps to feel better in yourself.
I know only too well how powerless it feels when you are "trapped" by an addict. For me, the point where I had to escape was when the fear of staying finally overcame the fear of leaving. You can PM me if you want to vent, cry, or ask me how I got out. 
I'm here if you need a sympathetic ear or practical advice x