Struggling to cope

Watty1

Not married, not sure what to do next.  Left joint home last August after 2 years of hell at the end of a 25 year relationship.   Long story short the ex kindly agreed I could move back as my business is based at the house (office alongside) and one of my horses did not settle at the rental property i took.   Been to mediation to try and negotiate separation of assets.   Ex is saying 50/50 on the houses and whats his is his whats mine is mine.  Which would seem fair - except - I very foolishly put every penny I had into the properties and now don't have a pension and am 2 years off retirement so I was hoping he would be the 'good guy' here.   It appears not!  And so I've decided to take legal action which is grinding slowly as I have to provide evidence which I am slowly gathering.  
Now the ex has decided he is moving "back in" and after a month of him coming and going as he wishes to use the washing machine and drop the dog off he has not actually moved in but very slowly I'm getting more and more anxious.    Culminating in him telling me today I can no longer use the deadlock on the door as it prevents him gaining access and than I cannot have my new boyfriend around (he is my support  bubble) and that he will be back later to "move in" properly.       After half an hour plus of verbal abuse and refusing to have a normal conversation I can't cope.  I've realised he is one very clever man and practiced in the art of not answering a question.    I've now been sat in the office for nearly two hours unable to do anything.  I'm not actually scared of him just fed up with the verbal abuse on how I'm this or how I'm that and how the new man in my life will soon see what I'm like and so on.  Its hammering my confidence and my sense of self.  My solicitor says hang in as we are nearly ready to send letter pre action but I feel so broken down by him I just want to leave and never come back.   The ex is playing the he can move in because its "our" house and he has every right to be here, and also playing the "I drove him to anxiety and now he is seeing a therapist and on meds" cards for all he is worth.   Now I know he has mental health issues but all was fine until I started seeing someone just before Christmas.   Apparently ex wants a fast resolution so he can move on with one (or more) of his current girlfriends and I'm really struggling to hang in for a resolution as he refuses to negotiate a compromise.   I'm on the verge of just leaving him to have both properties although I can't really afford that but right now the thought of having to share a house with him makes me feel physically sick with anxiety.     No children so no dependants.  I just dont know what what to do here.

AskAsk

he is entitled to move back in as it is also his house until the law decides otherwise.  as a woman however you can call the police and report domestic abuse if he becomes aggressive towards you and the police is taking domestic abuse very seriously because of incidents over the lockdown where men have killed their female partners.

you could threaten him with this if he doesn't leave you alone.  ask someone you trust to speak to him and ask him to stay away from you in the house and not engage with you to stop any possible cause for things to escalate out of hand and the need to call the police.

you say you own two properties, why can't he stay in the other one?

Mojisola

Watty1 said:

After half an hour plus of verbal abuse and refusing to have a normal conversation I can't cope.

I've now been sat in the office for nearly two hours unable to do anything. 

I'm not actually scared of him just fed up with the verbal abuse on how I'm this or how I'm that

Its hammering my confidence and my sense of self. 

The ex is ..... playing the "I drove him to anxiety and now he is seeing a therapist and on meds" cards for all he is worth.   

Apparently ex wants a fast resolution

I hope you are seeing a professional about the way he makes you feel, even if it's just talking to the GP about the stress.  He is collecting evidence; you need to do the same.  Domestic abuse is not limited to physical abuse - making you feel like this is abusive.

As he wants it sorted quickly, hang in there and set out what he needs to agree to in order to get the quick resolution.

burlingtonfl6

It's his house too, he can move back in.
Also, the fact you have put every penny you have into the house has no impact on the share you will receive. (you might have only had £1000)
And why should he be ''the good guy''.....you left the joint home, then he agreed you could come back, now you want him to leave?

Watty1

burlingtonfl6 said:

It's his house too, he can move back in.
Also, the fact you have put every penny you have into the house has no impact on the share you will receive. (you might have only had £1000)
And why should he be ''the good guy''.....you left the joint home, then he agreed you could come back, now you want him to leave?

yep!  I used my income to pay for the house.  I left because he had an affair.  It is his house. Legally he can move back in.  I know that.  And why should he be the 'good guy' because ethically and morally he knows I paid mostly for this house.   I also accept I was one very silly woman not to have made proper provision for my personal future but to think we were a "couple" and that in the event he would be fair.  I guess here the moral is don't trust someone when you are co-habiting.  And don't put money into joint projects without a solicitors agreement.  Cautionary note to all!
]

Watty1

AskAsk said:

he is entitled to move back in as it is also his house until the law decides otherwise.  as a woman however you can call the police and report domestic abuse if he becomes aggressive towards you and the police is taking domestic abuse very seriously because of incidents over the lockdown where men have killed their female partners.

you could threaten him with this if he doesn't leave you alone.  ask someone you trust to speak to him and ask him to stay away from you in the house and not engage with you to stop any possible cause for things to escalate out of hand and the need to call the police.

you say you own two properties, why can't he stay in the other one?

Really helpful thanks.   No, he can't stay in the other one as it is rented out.    Good comments about asking him to stay away.  I've explained not all abuse is violent and he has told me to go to the police, that they wont do anything. Ive begun a journal so  I have evidence and my solicitor told me to call the police next time he starts.

burlingtonfl6

Watty1 said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

It's his house too, he can move back in.
Also, the fact you have put every penny you have into the house has no impact on the share you will receive. (you might have only had £1000)
And why should he be ''the good guy''.....you left the joint home, then he agreed you could come back, now you want him to leave?

yep!  I used my income to pay for the house.  I left because he had an affair.  It is his house. Legally he can move back in.  I know that.  And why should he be the 'good guy' because ethically and morally he knows I paid mostly for this house.   I also accept I was one very silly woman not to have made proper provision for my personal future but to think we were a "couple" and that in the event he would be fair.  I guess here the moral is don't trust someone when you are co-habiting.  And don't put money into joint projects without a solicitors agreement.  Cautionary note to all!
]

Sorry, doesn't work like that. I wish it did but just because you made the payments doesnt mean you own the house.
With regards to the abuse, you moved back in with him so going to the police and making a report so you can get him out is a low move.

gettingtheresometime

OP I've sent you a pm - can you check to see if you've had it as my internet went down as I pressed send d'oh!

AskAsk

Watty1 said:

AskAsk said:

he is entitled to move back in as it is also his house until the law decides otherwise.  as a woman however you can call the police and report domestic abuse if he becomes aggressive towards you and the police is taking domestic abuse very seriously because of incidents over the lockdown where men have killed their female partners.

you could threaten him with this if he doesn't leave you alone.  ask someone you trust to speak to him and ask him to stay away from you in the house and not engage with you to stop any possible cause for things to escalate out of hand and the need to call the police.

you say you own two properties, why can't he stay in the other one?

Really helpful thanks.   No, he can't stay in the other one as it is rented out.    Good comments about asking him to stay away.  I've explained not all abuse is violent and he has told me to go to the police, that they wont do anything. Ive begun a journal so  I have evidence and my solicitor told me to call the police next time he starts.

domestic abuse does not have to be violence and it can be emotional abuse.  ask an independent person to speak to him as speaking directly to him may start him getting abusive.  get that person to explain to him that if you call the police and state that you are being abused at home because of the situation, the police will have the power to remove him from the property, irrespective of his ownership, and they can get an injuction against him from coming back.

ask him to stay away from you as much as possible at home and only speak to you if absolutely necessary to avoid confrontation.

in the mean time start looking at help for domestic abuse as that will give you organisations to contact if you have concerns but do not yet feel you need to call the police.

Watty1

gettingtheresometime said:

OP I've sent you a pm - can you check to see if you've had it as my internet went down as I pressed send d'oh!

no it did not arrive ...oopps!

Watty1

Thanks AskAsk.  really helpful.  I'm going to message a couple of people who could help here and remain calm and sensible