Paid £11,000 over 4 years turns out i'm not the father, what can I do?

CookieMonster

Pollycat said:

TBagpuss said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

It's only natural for a man to prefer to have children that are biologically his. It's basic natural instincts that go back through evolution.
In general, men would prefer not to bring up the children of another man.

So presumably on your view, no men ever wish to adopt or be step-parents? 
It's actually extremely common for people (both men and women) to be excellent parents to children they don't share DNA with, both knowingly and in cases where they believed themselves to be biologically related but were not. 
'Natural Instincts'  aren't really relevant - people are affected by societal norms and by their own choices.

I'm not sure about 'natural' but I couldn't have wished for a better, kind, considerate & loving Dad than my stepdad who came into my life when I was about 7 years old.

I have been (and I remain) the stepfather to a child (who I met before she turned four, and I walked her down the aisle a few years ago). I knew what I was getting into.
This thread is about the deception, fraud, lies and subsequent fallout when a man has been lied to about offspring being his, when they were not actually the father. Which is completely different. 

Pollycat

CookieMonster said:

I have been (and I remain) the stepfather to a child (who I met before she turned four, and I walked her down the aisle a few years ago). I knew what I was getting into.
This thread is about the deception, fraud, lies and subsequent fallout when a man has been lied to about offspring being his, when they were not actually the father. Which is completely different. 

I'm aware what this thread is about.

I was responding to a comment by one poster who responded to another poster who said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

It's only natural for a man to prefer to have children that are biologically his. It's basic natural instincts that go back through evolution.
In general, men would prefer not to bring up the children of another man.

CookieMonster

Pollycat said:

CookieMonster said:

I have been (and I remain) the stepfather to a child (who I met before she turned four, and I walked her down the aisle a few years ago). I knew what I was getting into.
This thread is about the deception, fraud, lies and subsequent fallout when a man has been lied to about offspring being his, when they were not actually the father. Which is completely different. 

I'm aware what this thread is about.

I was responding to a comment by one poster who responded to another poster who said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

It's only natural for a man to prefer to have children that are biologically his. It's basic natural instincts that go back through evolution.
In general, men would prefer not to bring up the children of another man.

burlingtonfl6 is correct.

wannabe_a_saver

Pollycat said:

wannabe_a_saver said:

But he was their dad in every way that mattered, he raised them, did he not love them for who they were after all that time or was it all just down to DNA?  I can completely understand his anger at their mother but to turn round and say that they aren’t his kids, I would have been devastated too, what a huge rejection.  The trauma of finding out their mother isn’t the person they thought she was and then on top of that dad wishes he hadn’t had to bring them up?  No wonder they’ve struggled!!

Did he actually say 'they aren’t his kids' in so many words?

Did he actually say he 'wishes he hadn’t had to bring them up'?

I think wanting the money back that he contributed to their upbringing sends that message quite strongly. 

wannabe_a_saver

CookieMonster said:

Pollycat said:

CookieMonster said:

I have been (and I remain) the stepfather to a child (who I met before she turned four, and I walked her down the aisle a few years ago). I knew what I was getting into.
This thread is about the deception, fraud, lies and subsequent fallout when a man has been lied to about offspring being his, when they were not actually the father. Which is completely different. 

I'm aware what this thread is about.

I was responding to a comment by one poster who responded to another poster who said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

It's only natural for a man to prefer to have children that are biologically his. It's basic natural instincts that go back through evolution.
In general, men would prefer not to bring up the children of another man.

burlingtonfl6 is correct.

I hope your stepdaughter doesn't read that.

burlingtonfl6

wannabe_a_saver said:

CookieMonster said:

Pollycat said:

CookieMonster said:

I have been (and I remain) the stepfather to a child (who I met before she turned four, and I walked her down the aisle a few years ago). I knew what I was getting into.
This thread is about the deception, fraud, lies and subsequent fallout when a man has been lied to about offspring being his, when they were not actually the father. Which is completely different. 

I'm aware what this thread is about.

I was responding to a comment by one poster who responded to another poster who said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

It's only natural for a man to prefer to have children that are biologically his. It's basic natural instincts that go back through evolution.
In general, men would prefer not to bring up the children of another man.

burlingtonfl6 is correct.

I hope your stepdaughter doesn't read that.

Why? He obviously loves her and would do anything for her but if given the opportunity would have preferred it if he was her biological father.
That preference is my point. Not sure why women don't understand that about men.
If that option was available now, he'd take it!

Gavin83

burlingtonfl6 said:

wannabe_a_saver said:

CookieMonster said:

Pollycat said:

CookieMonster said:

I have been (and I remain) the stepfather to a child (who I met before she turned four, and I walked her down the aisle a few years ago). I knew what I was getting into.
This thread is about the deception, fraud, lies and subsequent fallout when a man has been lied to about offspring being his, when they were not actually the father. Which is completely different. 

I'm aware what this thread is about.

I was responding to a comment by one poster who responded to another poster who said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

It's only natural for a man to prefer to have children that are biologically his. It's basic natural instincts that go back through evolution.
In general, men would prefer not to bring up the children of another man.

burlingtonfl6 is correct.

I hope your stepdaughter doesn't read that.

Not sure why women don't understand that about men.

The same applies in reverse to be honest, most women would prefer to raise their own biological children. That's not to say you can't love a step child as your own but I imagine most step parents would choose to make that child their biological child if possible.

It's extremely common for couples with children from a previous relationship to have children together as well. There's a reason for that.

Also most people who adopt do so because they've failed to have their own children naturally. Adoption is generally a last resort for a couple wanting a child and there's a reason for that too. I expect it's partly due to the difficult adoption process as well but the main reason is because most people who want children want their own biological children.

Pollycat

CookieMonster said:

Pollycat said:

CookieMonster said:

I have been (and I remain) the stepfather to a child (who I met before she turned four, and I walked her down the aisle a few years ago). I knew what I was getting into.
This thread is about the deception, fraud, lies and subsequent fallout when a man has been lied to about offspring being his, when they were not actually the father. Which is completely different. 

I'm aware what this thread is about.

I was responding to a comment by one poster who responded to another poster who said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

It's only natural for a man to prefer to have children that are biologically his. It's basic natural instincts that go back through evolution.
In general, men would prefer not to bring up the children of another man.

burlingtonfl6 is correct.

I don't believe I said otherwise.

I was just sharing my own experience of life with a stepdad who didn't feel the same as 'men in general'.

Poshsalt

TonyMMM said:

If he wasn't married to the mother, then he can't be named on the birth certificate (in England/Wales) unless he went with her to the registration and signed the entry with her (as a joint informant).....presumably he didn't do that, although that doesn't automatically mean he can't be required to pay (if he is the father)
Has he actually seen a copy of the birth certificate ?  

What did he say to the CMS when they first required him to pay - did he not dispute that he was the father then ?

Hi, wow im surprised with all the replys thanks.

He didnt sign anything, when I went with him to the CMS they said she showed prove he was via text messages. He doesnt have the birth certificate.

At the moment i'm calling solicitors for him as hes polish, an there all saying this could cost £3k before it goes to court and there not wanting to take on the case. So we going to citizen advice.

I'm reading thought the comments taking notes thanks.

Pollycat

wannabe_a_saver said:

Pollycat said:

Did he actually say 'they aren’t his kids' in so many words?

Did he actually say he 'wishes he hadn’t had to bring them up'?

I think wanting the money back that he contributed to their upbringing sends that message quite strongly. 

So that will be a 'no' then...