Ex wife / House / Mortgage / Kids

doobleduck

Additionally... a few other things..

When my ex and I split, I found out she had been visiting virtual sex places online.. this led to the split..

Now Ive always wondered if the eldest had seen or been exposed to this, if perhaps the mum had left a window open on the computer for example..  or maybe its just the fact my eldest had reached that age when she was thinking about sex with her body  maturing and so on..  my eldest has been desperate for  a boyfriend - she briefly had one at college who was a bit of a loser and dumped her within a week.. anyway.. Im digressing..  the point here is that because of this "blossoming sexuality" so to speak.. she originally was allowed on social media.. but we found out looking at her phone that some "dude" had been grooming her and she had sent some pictures.  My ex made it clear to him that he should never contact her again and he will be reported, and so she blocked him..

So basically my eldest, again.. doesn't always comprehend boundaries for her own safety - this is why my ex is so strict on her and wont allow her any form of social media at all..

Personally I feel she should be allowed social media - to make friends and to go out.. but with much better monitoring and guidance.. but its always a flat no from my ex

doobleduck

Just another example.. 

My eldest seems to have blocked nasal passages, This stresses the younger one as they sleep in the same room..  they were looking to move one of them into a smaller room in the house.. just a bit too small for a normal bed..

I said to my ex..  please can you arrange at the doctors to have her checked out, and sort out the small bedroom - if she needs a custom made bed I will help pay for it....

My ex said she would sort docs the next week...  several weeks later nothings been done..  same for the bed...

I want to help but its like hitting my head against a brick wall sometimes.

doobleduck

May as well add the following:

When I lived in the house, I worked, did the garden and did most of the cleaning.  We built up silly debts over the years of around £40,000.  £25,000 of that was a loan attached to the house.. all debts were in my name... 

These days things are different.

Ive spent the last 8 years building up a business which is now established and does quite well.  I can afford to help out a bit more.

Ive taken the girls on holiday every single year the last 8 years as well a countless day trips (not that any of this matters)..

Their mum hasn't once taken them on a day trip (again Im not trying to score points, just saying that I have tried to put them first where I believe their mum hasn't and has often put herself first)

As we split I said I would take care of the debts if she paid for the house.. and that's how things were left.

cattie

Well from all that you've said you've certainly been & continue to be a very involved father who really cares for his kids. If only I'd been so lucky when my ex left to go live with someone he met at work. 

Anyway, I think it does sound as if your ex is suffering from depression as most ex wives would have bitten off the hand that put forward the offers of help you've made to get the house sorted etc. From reading your posts I wonder if she is desperately trying to convince herself she can cope alone, whilst in reality being so overwhelmed with everything but not able to admit life has become a struggle for her. It's sad as she does obviously care for the girls but doesn't seem to have the oomph to motivate her to do quite simple things like making dr's appointments. She could well spriral down into an even worse depression if the girls were taken from her as she'd be left with nothing, so do keep this in mind & don't be too harsh on her.

Do you have any contact with any of her friends or family who you can get advice & reassurance from regarding your girl's happiness? Of course none of us here know what goes on in the mind of your ex & to her her actions might seem totally logical. The main thing here is that you're still a big part of your daughter's lives & if there's anything that they are really concerned about they know that you are there for them & this must counteract any of the negative things that have occured at home.

doobleduck

cattie said:

Well from all that you've said you've certainly been & continue to be a very involved father who really cares for his kids. If only I'd been so lucky when my ex left to go live with someone he met at work. 

Anyway, I think it does sound as if your ex is suffering from depression as most ex wives would have bitten off the hand that put forward the offers of help you've made to get the house sorted etc. From reading your posts I wonder if she is desperately trying to convince herself she can cope alone, whilst in reality being so overwhelmed with everything but not able to admit life has become a struggle for her. It's sad as she does obviously care for the girls but doesn't seem to have the oomph to motivate her to do quite simple things like making dr's appointments. She could well spriral down into an even worse depression if the girls were taken from her as she'd be left with nothing, so do keep this in mind & don't be too harsh on her.

Do you have any contact with any of her friends or family who you can get advice & reassurance from regarding your girl's happiness? Of course none of us here know what goes on in the mind of your ex & to her her actions might seem totally logical. The main thing here is that you're still a big part of your daughter's lives & if there's anything that they are really concerned about they know that you are there for them & this must counteract any of the negative things that have occured at home.

Thank you.  I do think you may be right.  Its been mentioned before when I happened to pass an old neighbour a while ago.  She will never accept my help, but I think the only help I could do would be increasing the maintenance I provide.. however with this my current partner would not be overly keen - she believes that my ex will simply spend the money on herself instead of the girls/house etc.  She also thinks I should stop paying maintenance when they reach 18.. anyway that's another bridge to cross.

The girls generally are fairly ok happiness wise.. although if I ever mention their mum in a slightly negative way the youngest defends her immediately - Ive tried to reign in my frustration, realizing I am causing some of her anxiety.  They definitely get a tonne of love from me and my parents and sister who message them most days with funny pictures etc.

Thanks again for your reply.  It has made a lot of sense (much appreciated )

Savvy_Sue

Please don't assume your ex and the girls would immediately be offered social housing if the house was repossessed. Even though the eldest has additional needs, there might be a battle to establish this, and the initial offer might be bed and breakfast or a hostel.

What is the plan for repayment of the mortgage at term? I don't think you've said. When is that?

doobleduck

Savvy_Sue said:

Please don't assume your ex and the girls would immediately be offered social housing if the house was repossessed. Even though the eldest has additional needs, there might be a battle to establish this, and the initial offer might be bed and breakfast or a hostel.

What is the plan for repayment of the mortgage at term? I don't think you've said. When is that?

Hi thanks for the reply.  The mortgage payment is currently reduced to an affordable level. The mortgage company are going to do an annual check to ensure its paid by term.. so I can see the repayments going up significantly in the next year

RAS

OK

You may or may not have a consent order. You need to find out.

A CCJ is not against the house, it's against a person. Has this been converted into a charging order? Check on the Land Registry website. If so read blueback's extensive thread on the debt free board.

The document you signed may have been to severe the tenancy. A joint tenancy means that when the first partner dies the survivor become the sole tenant (you jointly own 100%). When a tenancy is severed, each party owns a specified percentage. This may be 50/50, or any other percentage agreed.  When the first partner dies, their portion goes to whoever they name in their will, or to your daughters via intestacy. You still however remain 100% liable for a joint mortgage. Do you have a copy of that document, as you jolly well need it. It may also have been registered on the  Land Registry website.

You've obviously supported your daughters over a long time but if you've not been sorting these financial issues out, your current partner may be getting concerned about the never ending commitment.

With respect to CSA, the end might be 18 dead on but I think some orders expect payment until the child finishes school/ level 3 at college. It's not unknown for parents to encourage their child to spend an extra year getting addition qualifications to extend the maintenance payments.

It might be reasonable to suggest to your partner that you pay for her until your older daughter finishes college and give your ex ample warning that will be the case. You probably need to sit down with your ex, current partner and a specialist advisor to find out what long term support is available for your daughter, as at the moment she's not becoming independent and she's in a cycle where she doesn't get to grow up because she's not as grown up as expected. Some late teens make horrendous mistakes without autism.

Depending on the financial findings, you might also consider setting a time limit on the house. It's normal for this to be sold, or the ex bought out, after the youngest reaches adulthood, usually 18 years. Your ex needs to know that she's got say 4 years to sort it out. But you need those facts and documents first.

Savvy_Sue

doobleduck said:

Savvy_Sue said:

Please don't assume your ex and the girls would immediately be offered social housing if the house was repossessed. Even though the eldest has additional needs, there might be a battle to establish this, and the initial offer might be bed and breakfast or a hostel.

What is the plan for repayment of the mortgage at term? I don't think you've said. When is that?

Hi thanks for the reply.  The mortgage payment is currently reduced to an affordable level. The mortgage company are going to do an annual check to ensure its paid by term.. so I can see the repayments going up significantly in the next year

I find that terrifying on your / your ex's behalf. You currently have an interest only mortgage, with the repayments reduced to an affordable level - so the capital is not reducing at all, is that right? To repay the capital, I'd say repayments would go up astronomically, not 'significantly'. Your ex isn't working, she won't be able to make the repayments. 

I don't know how often the plan for repaying the capital on an IO mortgage is 'sell the house', but I honestly can't see how anything else is going to work. You should be able to look at what repayments would look like if they were to cover the capital as well, and compare them to what she's currently paying (or not). 

gizmo111

She will never accept my help, but I think the only help I could do would be increasing the maintenance I provide.. however with this my current partner would not be overly keen - she believes that my ex will simply spend the money on herself instead of the girls/house etc.  She also thinks I should stop paying maintenance when they reach 18.. anyway that's another bridge to cross.
You could speak to your ex and directly pay tradesmen to do the work on the house.  When they reach 18 if you want to contribute to them you can do that direct to their bank accounts.