Ex wife / House / Mortgage / Kids

doobleduck

Hi first post here.. I'll try to keep this short.

My ex wife and I split up 8 years ago.  She still lives in the house with my 2 girls.  I see my girls regular each week and have never failed to pay maintenance.

My name is still on the mortgage.  I would simply like to get it taken off.

So briefly..  when we split (her decision), we were amicable.  After a while I met someone new and life changed, as in she made it hard for my 2 girls to see my new partner  (she even falsely accused my partners 4 year old son of sexually assaulting our eldest daughter, and got child services involved who eventually found it to be a complete fabrication).  I eventually had to take her to court and got a court order for regular visits instated - my 2 girls were upset that they couldn't see me.

She has also ignored all the kids dental visits for 6 years (I only found out 2 years ago, so I set these up and took over those)

She ignored/cancelled important medical visits for my eldest daughter who has autism.. I got those reinstated.  (she had told me nothing was wrong and she had spoken to the doctors which was wrong)

She has ignored the garden to such a point where the house is almost completely covered by weeds which are now touching the bedroom windows and hard to see the house from the road - despite my countless offers to sort it for free myself.. or my dad.. or even to pay for someone to do it.. she refused..  The reason I mention this is because my daughters are embarrassed and even cried about it, and run out of the car when I take them home but only when nobody is walking past.

To cut a long story short she is a woman who enjoys being in control, having the last word, often when she is wrong.

I apologise for all the above but I needed to give you guys an idea of how things are..

So moving forwards, she has been making some payments to the mortgage, but not regular and has fallen behind many times, but she calls them and seems to manage to set up repayment plans while still there in the house.

I have no problem with her wanting to stay there.  I have zero desire to own any of it, nor do I want to own any of it or take any assets from it in any shape.  Id just like my name off it.  My current partner and I want to move on, and worry that if it gets repossessed then I will be in a position of having to find money to repay.

The mortgage is joint-owned 50.50

I've discussed with her about taking my name off but she said "I need to clear my CCJ first" as they won't even help her until I've done that.. huh??  How can that be?

Surely it should all come down to whether or not she can afford to buy me out.. which would be zero, as sadly she hasn't worked the last 8 years.

Can I just add that despite what the above may sound like, I can honestly say I am a genuine honest dad who has genuinely had to deal with somebody who seems to thrive on making life difficult.  I'm not here to name call my ex, but she has really made life unbearable.  We went through mediation after splitting up, and she was really unreasonable during this  (the mediator even looked at me and rolled her eyes).

I believe she may be suffering depression  (Ive since found out from my eldest daughter, that the downstairs toilet no longer works...  and months later the oven doesn't work (so she bought a counter top oven).  I don't like to think of anybody as depressed, and I can overlook all of the above if I could just get through to her and help her, for the sake of my kids.

Overall...  I wish I could help her ..  help her to feel good and positive so she then turns this towards our daughters and the house.

I even said to her "if I was able to pay more maintenance (I currently pay £200 a month), could you use this to make things better".. ie take the girls on holiday.. fix up the house etc..)..  but my current partner says I should only be paying maintenance - which I currently do.. I don't help towards the mortgage on the ex wife house.

Basically could I throw extra money to help..  I even made a suggestion that what if I (over time)  got the house fixed up/ repaired/gardens sorted/paid half of mortgage and increased my contribution to the house, Id want to make sure I got 50% of payout in x number of years when the house got sold.. surely if Im paying half of mortgage I should get half of house later on (even though Im not bothered)?  she said "no"  because id not paid anything to it for last 8 years..  despite it being an interest only.. and the principal sum hasn't decreased.

sorry for the long post - please don't be harsh or think Im being unreasonable or nasty..  I feel I did have to explain the background.

How would you guys get this situation resolved?  If Im wrong and I should throw more money at things I would.  Im happy to do the right thing (even though she wouldn't allow me to)

Caz3121

are you divorced and was there a financial order at time of divorce? what did it say about the house?

doobleduck

Caz3121 said:

are you divorced and was there a financial order at time of divorce? what did it say about the house?

Hello, thank you for replying.  Yes, we are divorced, there was no financial order made at all.

74jax

doobleduck said:

Caz3121 said:

are you divorced and was there a financial order at time of divorce? what did it say about the house?

Hello, thank you for replying.  Yes, we are divorced, there was no financial order made at all.

Did you both do the divorce yourself?
If you had a solicitor what was the reasoning for no financial order?

Why does your current partner think you should pay maintenance and no more, when she can see your children suffering? I'm not talking about hundreds more, but her blanket 'no' is a warning sign. 

Are the kids happy? 

gizmo111

Have you thought about having your girls in your care full time - it appears they are not getting the best care and living conditions are poor?

burlingtonfl6

doobleduck said:

I apologise for all the above but I needed to give you guys an idea of how things are..

So moving forwards, she has been making some payments to the mortgage, but not regular and has fallen behind many times, but she calls them and seems to manage to set up repayment plans while still there in the house.

I have no problem with her wanting to stay there.  I have zero desire to own any of it, nor do I want to own any of it or take any assets from it in any shape.  Id just like my name off it.  My current partner and I want to move on, and worry that if it gets repossessed then I will be in a position of having to find money to repay.

The mortgage is joint-owned 50.50

I've discussed with her about taking my name off but she said "I need to clear my CCJ first" as they won't even help her until I've done that.. huh??  How can that be?

Surely it should all come down to whether or not she can afford to buy me out.. which would be zero, as sadly she hasn't worked the last 8 years.

Why would a mortgage company take your name off and deal with your wife and her bad payment history when they can chase you too if they don't get paid.
Nobody in their right mind is going to give her a mortgage 

cattie

It's great that you've continued to pay regular maintenance for your girls but your current partner shouldn't be interferring concerning the amount you pay towards the upkeep of your children or any treats etc. you wish to provide for them.  £100 per month per child is quite a small amount  in this day & age, what with the cost of clothes, shoes, pocket money, treats, mobile phones & other technology that most kids seem to expect these days.

There's no way your name can be removed from the mortgage unless your ex wanted this & had a good enough income & credit history to warrant it, which she obviously doesn't. To be honest, as it's an interest only mortgage & you're liable for any shortfall at the end of term or if property gets reposssed, I'd be worried about my kids & their mother losing the roof over their heads. If the mortgage debt is still outstanding at the end of term there's likely to be little, if any, equity left for you to claim a share of.  This is something that really needs to be thought about now, not when it's too late. What arrangements had you in place for paying off the mortgage capital at the end of term when you both signed up for the mortgage?

Gavin83

Get a financial order arranged ASAP otherwise this will come back to bite you in the future. Make sure you get your name removed from the mortgage as part of this. If it means the house has to be sold that’s the route you should take.

sassyblue

You don’t say how old your children are but in any case I think the first thing I’d do is see how much is owing on the mortgage. Your ex said she has a CCJ so that may be against the property too and you need to find out the exact figures involved.

Next would be to find out the sale price of the house as it is and if it were done up, plus how much it would cost to get it ready for market.  Once you are in possession of all the facts you are better placed to make a plan.

Sorry OP but you need to pull your finger out and sort this all out - saying you don’t want anything from the house financially is daft when you have an asset sat there. Your kids are living in dreadful circumstances and it doesn’t sound like they’ve been well cared for either.  Would your daughters want to live with you?  If it were me I’d have had the kids living with me long before now and go through the courts to force a sale of the property.  If you truly don’t want any monetary gain from the property then it could be a decent start for your daughters, your ex's well-being is not your problem she’s had enough time to sort herself out.

Please, now you are aware of how your daughters are living get things sorted once and for all.  You've been far to passive about this, I couldn’t let a house I co owned slip into the state it’s in, even with an unreasonable ex you ought to put your foot down, give her two weeks to clean it up or tell her you will - and do it.  She’s had her own way long enough and getting the house sorted should be good for her own mental health.  

Perhaps I should have said at the very beginning but the important thing is you will not get your name off that mortgage unless she can buy you out and without a job it’s impossible. Plus there’s a CCJ against your ex now, check whether it’s been registered against the property.  Whilst your name is on that mortgage you are jointly liable for the debt, you ask if you could you end up being chased for money and if things went very wrong you could.  Get sorted and get a Consent Order drawn up severing all finances between you.

doobleduck

Hi.. thank you all for your replies.  I hope I didn't come across as being a spiteful person.  I'll just provide a few responses below.  I have some things I can look at now, thanks to you guys.

74jax said:

Did you both do the divorce yourself?
If you had a solicitor what was the reasoning for no financial order?

Why does your current partner think you should pay maintenance and no more, when she can see your children suffering? I'm not talking about hundreds more, but her blanket 'no' is a warning sign. 

Are the kids happy? 

I can't remember if one was made, but don't recall either.  I will go back over paperwork to find out.  I have feeling it was simply a case of "she will carry on living there and keeping up with payments.." but will check - thank you.

The kids are fairly happy.  They are just used to it (which is wrong I know).  The eldest has autism and very little phases her.

The youngest is anxious, I assume from the tension caused by all of this.

My current partner is generally a good woman with her screwed on with many things.  She is against my ex because my ex accused my partners son of sexual assault aged 4 (almost 5) against my eldest daughter   (turns out my eldest daughter with autism was intrigued about "boys and girls" and wanted to "see" what he had got - she actually crosses boundaries without realizing things you simply cannot do. She also once ran out in to the road following her younger sister without looking and  car screeched to a halt a metre from her... so I get why mum has been overly cautious,

My current partner feels I should stop maintenance for the eldest once she reaches 18 this year, whereas I feel it should carry on till she leaves home which may never happen.

(sorry for the long drawn out post).

My ex has been very strict and restrictive over the girls - too much.. and I have complained many times with no change.  As the eldest has "seemingly" had a few seizures (always at home with their mum.. shes never had one when with me, or my family or on family holidays I've taken them on.. not one..), my ex hasn't really let her go out and have a social life as she thinks she may have a seizure..  but she needs a life!

gizmo111 said:

Have you thought about having your girls in your care full time - it appears they are not getting the best care and living conditions are poor?

many many times...  and suggested it to the girls but they never say yes or no..   I have even contacted social services about their living conditions and they genuinely came back and said there were no issues..  I wish I had kept  a photo I took from the outside as you'd be horrified.

Maybe I should just take them.. but the eldest is doing a course at college now that she loves  (and to be fair to her mum/my ex.. she is helping her do it while home schooling)

The youngest has a bit of a life there, she has good friends and a boyfriend, (the eldest has no friends or boyfriend sadly.. because shes never been allowed to go out to clubs etc...   I was hoping with her going to college she would start meeting friends but sadly none of them have really made an effort to become friends.

Am I allowed to simply take them, forcing my ex to take me to court?  maybe that's the route...  My partner and I have discussed speaking with a solicitor, but I feel my partner wouldn't really love having my kids here as she finds it stressful right now with two already here, and trying to run the office for our small business, and trying to home school...  despite this Ive said several times its best for them to be with me/us

burlingtonfl6 said:

Why would a mortgage company take your name off and deal with your wife and her bad payment history when they can chase you too if they don't get paid.
Nobody in their right mind is going to give her a mortgage

I completely agree..  This is such a nightmare

cattie said:

It's great that you've continued to pay regular maintenance for your girls but your current partner shouldn't be interferring concerning the amount you pay towards the upkeep of your children or any treats etc. you wish to provide for them.  £100 per month per child is quite a small amount  in this day & age, what with the cost of clothes, shoes, pocket money, treats, mobile phones & other technology that most kids seem to expect these days.

There's no way your name can be removed from the mortgage unless your ex wanted this & had a good enough income & credit history to warrant it, which she obviously doesn't. To be honest, as it's an interest only mortgage & you're liable for any shortfall at the end of term or if property gets reposssed, I'd be worried about my kids & their mother losing the roof over their heads. If the mortgage debt is still outstanding at the end of term there's likely to be little, if any, equity left for you to claim a share of.  This is something that really needs to be thought about now, not when it's too late. What arrangements had you in place for paying off the mortgage capital at the end of term when you both signed up for the mortgage?

It was simply a verbal "she will take over the mortgage repayments".. and I would pay for any debts we owed.  Most debts were in my name so most of them I contacted and they communicate with me at my current address.

Ive suggested to her I provide more money to help get things on track, but she refuses saying Ive paid nothing for the last 8 years to the house.

I agree about them losing the roof over their heads, but the girls could come stay with me if that happened, or I assume they could go and get council accommodation.

Gavin83 said:

Get a financial order arranged ASAP otherwise this will come back to bite you in the future. Make sure you get your name removed from the mortgage as part of this. If it means the house has to be sold that’s the route you should take.

Thanks.. I will look into things

sassyblue said:

You don’t say how old your children are but in any case I think the first thing I’d do is see how much is owing on the mortgage. Your ex said she has a CCJ so that may be against the property too and you need to find out the exact figures involved.

Next would be to find out the sale price of the house as it is and if it were done up, plus how much it would cost to get it ready for market.  Once you are in possession of all the facts you are better placed to make a plan.

Sorry OP but you need to pull your finger out and sort this all out - saying you don’t want anything from the house financially is daft when you have an asset sat there. Your kids are living in dreadful circumstances and it doesn’t sound like they’ve been well cared for either.  Would your daughters want to live with you?  If it were me I’d have had the kids living with me long before now and go through the courts to force a sale of the property.  If you truly don’t want any monetary gain from the property then it could be a decent start for your daughters, your ex's well-being is not your problem she’s had enough time to sort herself out.

Please, now you are aware of how your daughters are living get things sorted once and for all.  You've been far to passive about this, I couldn’t let a house I co owned slip into the state it’s in, even with an unreasonable ex you ought to put your foot down, give her two weeks to clean it up or tell her you will - and do it.  She’s had her own way long enough and getting the house sorted should be good for her own mental health.  

Perhaps I should have said at the very beginning but the important thing is you will not get your name off that mortgage unless she can buy you out and without a job it’s impossible. Plus there’s a CCJ against your ex now, check whether it’s been registered against the property.  Whilst your name is on that mortgage you are jointly liable for the debt, you ask if you could you end up being chased for money and if things went very wrong you could.  Get sorted and get a Consent Order drawn up severing all finances between you.

Thanks.. A few years back my ex asked me to sign something... stupidly and naively I said what its for.. she said its to protect her an the girls if I go bankrupt (as I was considering it at the time rather than trying to earn more and pay everything off)..  she mentioned about severing tenancy.. or severing anyway...  I guess from this.. what I signed was a consent order based on what you've just said..   does that screw me over now or protect both of us?  or basically has she done me over?

I completely agree I need to get up and do something.

Ultimately its a mess we got into and I need to get it sorted.

I have said to my partner that I WOULD be willing to contribute to the house my ex still lives in, but only if down the line, if it were sold I got 50% of it..  why should I pay otherwise?  essentially I don't want anything to do with the house.  I would pay to help get it back to standard, look acceptable and mean the kids arent embarrassed...

so Im kind of stuck between a rock and hard place...

Just wanted to say thank you all for taking time out of your day to even answer me..  As I read this back it makes me realize Ive not done what I should.  Its such an awful situation.

I believe the girls are scared to answer back their mum or voice their opinion to her as she has been so strict..  and yes why didn't I just take them years ago

doobleduck

Forgot to add..

the eldest is 17.. 18 this year

Younger one is 15

The CCJ is mine unfortunately.. my ex said she cant take my name off till I have paid off my CCJ's (according to her) - she said the reasons she's not worked yet is because of the awkward hours trying to fit ajob around school times, and driving the eldest to college - she did say she would look for a job soon now the kids are older..  basically the eldest cant do much for herself..  she cant be fully trusted walking out along roadsides.. although she does nowadays seem aware enough to take care.. she cant read a normal clock, and she doesn't understand money.  There are plans to get her into some extra help/life skills

The house is worth around £95,000 and the mortgage outstanding is around the same  (due to all the missed and late payments and paying interest only for quite a few years)

In one sense it may be better to get repossessed - as she has 2 underage kids she should get a council house, and with any luck she wouldn't need a garden, and her repair bills would be covered and it would be a lot more affordable