Couple buying house when one puts in 90%+ of cash?

Chandler85

What worries me, is the approaches as so different.  There is one thing to having different amounts of money when buying a house, but your whole philosophy towards money is so far apart it would worry a lot of people. If you had managed to save and had a lot of cash, she had struggled but worked hard and saved what she could, then your approaches are similar but different circumstances.

She can't have a 4 bed detached house for £250, you are having to choose to subsidise her lifestyle, that becomes your choice and your risk.  I don't personally think I would be buying a house with someone so different to me, so I see your point of view.

If you are to get married, then your money, savings etc are classed as 1 big pot, so you would be taking that risk anyway, that she would want half.

£1900 take home per month, is far from minimum wage.  So it is all about her priorities.

RSharkR

Chandler85 said:

What worries me, is the approaches as so different.  There is one thing to having different amounts of money when buying a house, but your whole philosophy towards money is so far apart it would worry a lot of people. If you had managed to save and had a lot of cash, she had struggled but worked hard and saved what she could, then your approaches are similar but different circumstances.

She can't have a 4 bed detached house for £250, you are having to choose to subsidise her lifestyle, that becomes your choice and your risk.  I don't personally think I would be buying a house with someone so different to me, so I see your point of view.

If you are to get married, then your money, savings etc are classed as 1 big pot, so you would be taking that risk anyway, that she would want half.

£1900 take home per month, is far from minimum wage.  So it is all about her priorities.

I guess this sums up precisely my feeling. On her previous house she paid pretty much interest-only on her mortgage so only has £10k from its sale (or rather her housemate buying her out), and then has lived in my house for 2 years only contributing £200pm to the bills, and yet she hasn't saved any money during that time. I accept its easier when I'm on a better salary (despite periods of unemployment), but I have saved and been careful investing my money, and paid off all my debts. So it feels very much like I'm subsidising her, and that her priorities are wrong. Hence me being cautious and feeling like if we went ahead, I would want some security.  

blue_max_3

RSharkR said:

Chandler85 said:

What worries me, is the approaches as so different.  There is one thing to having different amounts of money when buying a house, but your whole philosophy towards money is so far apart it would worry a lot of people. If you had managed to save and had a lot of cash, she had struggled but worked hard and saved what she could, then your approaches are similar but different circumstances.

She can't have a 4 bed detached house for £250, you are having to choose to subsidise her lifestyle, that becomes your choice and your risk.  I don't personally think I would be buying a house with someone so different to me, so I see your point of view.

If you are to get married, then your money, savings etc are classed as 1 big pot, so you would be taking that risk anyway, that she would want half.

£1900 take home per month, is far from minimum wage.  So it is all about her priorities.

I guess this sums up precisely my feeling. On her previous house she paid pretty much interest-only on her mortgage so only has £10k from its sale (or rather her housemate buying her out), and then has lived in my house for 2 years only contributing £200pm to the bills, and yet she hasn't saved any money during that time. I accept its easier when I'm on a better salary (despite periods of unemployment), but I have saved and been careful investing my money, and paid off all my debts. So it feels very much like I'm subsidising her, and that her priorities are wrong. Hence me being cautious and feeling like if we went ahead, I would want some security.  

This sums it all up really. Marrying someone who is clearly not on the same page is a recipe for disaster before it's even begun. You've had some clarity and hope you act on it. 

steampowered

You can love someone without loving their attitude to money! This is definitely a case where you want to keep separate finances, at least at the start of the marriage.

Personally, I think you should not suggest a loan from your parents as a possibility. Take that option off the table as offers her an easy excuse for not pulling her weight. It isn't fair to ask your parents to make up the shortfall.

She then has a decision to make: Does she want to live in a £200k house you own? Or does she want to contribute so that she can live in a nicer house? 

£250pm on the mortgage out of a £1900pm income is a tiny contribution and way below what people would normally pay. You would normally expect to pay 30-40% of your take home pay on the mortgage. Looking at the MSE best-buy calculator, payments of £250pm would cover a mortgage of about £60k. She should be able to comfortably pay a much bigger mortgage, which will give her a better house, as well as the financial security of building up an asset.

sammyjammy

The additional info puts a different slant on your post.  I agree £1900 take home pay is hardly minimum wage, probably more like £30k but her ambitions don't match what she is willing to pay, maybe it would be better for you to purchase the house alone and put the wedding off for a while, see how things go.

Salemicus

You're not being too cold and controlling. I love your dispassionate attitude, and of course you shouldn't pay in all your savings and parents' money, and get nothing for it. My key criticism of you before was that you didn't seem to be approaching it as a partnership. I now understand why.

Do you really want to continue a relationship, let alone buy a house, with a partner you can't have a calm, loving conversation about this with? Do you really want to build a life with someone who - as you freely admit! - has their priorities all wrong? It isn't just this house purchase, this is going to come up again and again and again, because money, trade-offs, and the need for rational compromise will touch every aspect of your married lives. I bet everyone on this thread can guess her attitude to pensions.

Most common reason for divorce in the UK? Rows about money.

Falafels

It's a difficult situation which I've not been in before, having always lived alone or rented, and its also a difficult conversation to have as she tends to get angry and shut down rather than discuss things openly (which I accept doesn't bode well!)

This ^^^ alone would make me extremely wary. So does the fact that she wants a luxurious lifestyle but isn't prepared to pay for it.

You need to decide whether you want to expend your energy on future-proofing yourself against the demands of a spoilt little girl, or whether you'd be better off not making any material commitment for the foreseeable future and see where that takes you. As I said in my earlier post, people's contribution to relationships is not purely about money; only you can decide whether the picture overall is really worth it.

Marvel1

You are better off splitting up and doing it alone. 

FTB_Help

RSharkR said:

Thanks for the responses so far and for the constructive suggestions. 

I appreciate that some people find my thinking a bit too rational and dispassionate, but I think that's sometimes the best way to be when it comes to money! It's a difficult situation which I've not been in before, having always lived alone or rented, and its also a difficult conversation to have as she tends to get angry and shut down rather than discuss things openly (which I accept doesn't bode well!). 

For context, I think I'm just someone who has always been careful and sensible with money, I've worked very hard to save up and been careful about investing it in the right places. I've been made redundant a few times in the last 5-10yrs and this has made me additionally cautious, and I feel that my finance-sense has helped to save me from a very bad situation. I've always avoided debts and where I've had them I've paid them off as fast as possible - for example I've always saved up and bought cars out-right rather than through finance etc. So I guess it's just my way of thinking that I've worked hard, been sensible, and want to make wise decisions going forward that continue to improve our future opportunities.  

By contrast, she's tended to live on credit, paid the minimal amount on her previous mortgage (just covering the interest, hence she's got very little to show for it), has avoided saving, and wants to pay very little on any future mortgage/loan from parents. She wants to live in a big 4-bed detached house, but doesn't want to contribute more than about £250 a month to a mortgage (her income is about £1900pcm), which I think is very low, and unrealistic. So I guess we just have very different approaches to money and it's difficult to find a happy medium. 

I also know that my parents are quite aware of this disparity & different approach and are a bit worried about it, which is obviously relevant if they're lending us their own savings.  

I totally understand the points made re me seeming a bit too cold and controlling about it. But equally I think where is the incentive for me to put in all my savings and my parents money for a large deposit, and pay double(or more) the mortgage/loan repayments, unless that is reflected somehow?  

Just out of interest, why don't she take out a mortgage for the o/s £60k (over 25 years a very quick google is right now around £250/ month in mortgage payment) - this is more than affordable for pretty much most of the UK population let alone for someone on £1.9k/ month.

This way, you have no monthly mortgage contribution and can save and it gives her a chance to put more into this house too

And then bills split 50/50.

I think this is more than reasonable seeing how you're going to be the one putting in 74% of the house value.
If she is your wife to be then you also have to view this new house as "our" house and not just yours.
It sounds like you're also a little unsure of this relationship?

robatwork

RSharkR said:

Thanks for the responses so far and for the constructive suggestions. 

I appreciate that some people find my thinking a bit too rational and dispassionate

It's not that. I'll be blunter than some. You're not ready to be married.

Being married means sharing everything. If you're not ready to do that then she isn't the right one.

If you buy the house now outright, and you die suddenly, then she won't get anything. If you're married, she will own the house.

Ask yourself - would you rather she got nothing, or everything?  If it's the former, you're way off marriage.