Argument with my husband - Who is in the wrong here?

burlingtonfl6

I think you're putting to much emphasis on the ''your daughter your decision part''
Depending on how it's said it might be a non issue.

Savvy_Sue

maman said:

Just out of interest, are either you or your DH able to work from home? It would be good if you (and especially your DH) could spend time with her as well.

Whether or not either of them can WFH is rarely relevant to decisions about suitable childcare arrangements for a 1 year old. There are very few WFH jobs where you can both do the work AND care for a baby / toddler / young child at the same time. It may be OK for an emergency but it's not a long term solution. 

JWM

maman said:

As your daughter is so young and the family member is out of work then I'd use the nursery money for that. Under normal circumstances I'd say definitely send her to nursery as socialising with others is really important but next September will be soon enough. 

Just out of interest, are either you or your DH able to work from home? It would be good if you (and especially your DH) could spend time with her as well.

All I'd take issue with is the 'your daughter' comment. That's potentially pushing the decision away so that if things go wrong then it's down to you. I think I'd prefer if he'd said that he would rather she didn't but he knows it's not that simple as you need to return to work and he (apparently) can't do the childcare himself so would support your decision either way. 

As someone who has WFH for the last 10 months, comments like this really annoy me!

I log in at 8am, work (yes work) all the way through to 5pm at the earliest. I only move for loo breaks and a 30 minute walk round the block at 12pm.

I don't have time for the housework - do you honestly think parents can WHF properly and look after a baby? Get real!

Re the OP's question, I think you and your partner have to be on the same page with this, or issues will only escalate.

maman

I didn't intend to offend but conversely I know people who are working from home and are able to work in their own time provided they get the work done. So they work very early morning or late at night or weekends or take it in turns around their children. I suppose it depends on the level  and type of job. 🤔

Savvy_Sue

maman said:

I didn't intend to offend but conversely I know people who are working from home and are able to work in their own time provided they get the work done. So they work very early morning or late at night or weekends or take it in turns around their children. I suppose it depends on the level  and type of job. 🤔

I'd say those jobs are few and far between, and even when it's possible it's rare to find one where you would never have to take a call or attend a videoconference. 

Obviously parents have been multitasking for years, and very very few parents give undivided attention to their children all day, but there's a difference between stopping the washing up to deal with a nuclear nappy incident, and ending or not taking a work related call to deal with said nuclear nappy.

MalMonroe

Your husband's comment was sarcastic rather than cryptic. Why couldn't he just discuss the matter with you in an adult and sensible manner?

If I were you I'd be asking my employer for an extension to maternity leave (may have to be unpaid) and I wouldn't be sending any child of mine to nursery or anywhere else while the pandemic is raging. Whether or not the PM said it was safe to do so. It isn't safe to do so, as has been proven time and time again.

People in the UK just don't seem to have come to terms with the fact that there is a killer disease lurking around every corner. Some folk are even calling it a hoax. Boris Johnson is trying to placate we the public so he can be a popular PM, when what he needs to do is to be firm and lock us all down. 

I'm with your husband, sarcastic as he is. He doesn't want his children to go to nursery and that's his opinion. My children have grown now but if they hadn't, they'd be going nowhere.

bhjm

classic example of people need to talk more with each other, rather than asking others. 

Very often one of the simplest methods is the best. Paraphrase ! sit down with your partner and ask him what he meant, like
"did I understood you correct, what it is my decision and you do not to be involved in the final say" ?

its a lot of practice needed, but so helpful for relationships where simple things got misunderstood

silvercar

I read this as him being sarcastic- that he wouldn’t even consider sending her to nursery at this time. But only you know the tone in which he said it and whether he is prone to sarcasm. 

pearl123

"We are in the middle of a pandemic. If you want to send your daughter to nursery with all that is going on, that's up to you".
He's not cryptic. It's seem pretty straighforward language to me.
It sounds like he wouldn't send her to a nursery and in the same position nor would I, providing I didn't need the wage. 

Pollycat

Adriana1985 said:

Hi
This is obviously going to be slightly bias as it's mainly coming from my perspective but I will try to quote things almost word for word as much as I can. In short, I am going back to work from maternity leave in February and my husband and I sat down to talk about nursery cost, especially for the 1 year old. Previously we have discussed not being comfortable sending our little one to nursery 5 days a week, 8am to 6pm at just a year old. We did it for our first child and never felt comfortable (I ended up doing part time) until he was 2. We agreed to have a family member (who is out of work) take care of our baby instead of sending her to nursery and we also muted her going 1 day a week so she can get some exposure to other children, especially if said family member goes back to to work. 

So, we done the calculations and I ask my husband "we can actually afford to send her 1 or 2 days a week, how do you feel about this?". He responded...
"We are in the middle of a pandemic. If you want to send your daughter to nursery with all that is going on, that's up to you".
I then said he doesn't have to be so "cryptic" with his answer as, though I can deduce your opinion that you're not too happy (same as me), it would be great to get a straight answer to help me gauge how strongly you feel about it. He responded the exact same way but topped it off by saying that what he said was his opinion and I should not "insult" his opinion by calling it cryptic.

Long story short, he got emotional and quite upset with what I was saying and it devolved into a mini-argument. My reasoning was. if he just responded along the lines of "I don't want her to go nursery" or "I'm okay her going 1 day a week", then I would have coupled that with my thinking and made a decision. The way he responded made it difficult for me to gauge how strongly he felt about it and therefore difficult to make a final decision. I'm trying to better myself and my relationship so was curious to know whether this was one thing I was absolutely wrong on or not. 

Isn't she his daughter too?

If she is, I wouldn't say his reply was "cryptic".

Sarcasm at best, maybe even nasty.

But was it justified?

We don't know what led up to that comment.

Whose idea was it to do the 'calculations' about the nursery?

Who mooted the idea of nursery in the first place?

Yours, maybe?

It seems obvious to me that your husband doesn't want the child to go to nursery at this time (I can understand that).

Maybe he felt you were steam-rollering him into agreeing and that's why he replied as he did.

But forum members are not judge and jury.

It really doesn't matter who is in the right and who is in the wrong.

You both need to talk and sort it out.