Argument with my husband - Who is in the wrong here?

Adriana1985

Hi
This is obviously going to be slightly bias as it's mainly coming from my perspective but I will try to quote things almost word for word as much as I can. In short, I am going back to work from maternity leave in February and my husband and I sat down to talk about nursery cost, especially for the 1 year old. Previously we have discussed not being comfortable sending our little one to nursery 5 days a week, 8am to 6pm at just a year old. We did it for our first child and never felt comfortable (I ended up doing part time) until he was 2. We agreed to have a family member (who is out of work) take care of our baby instead of sending her to nursery and we also muted her going 1 day a week so she can get some exposure to other children, especially if said family member goes back to to work. 

So, we done the calculations and I ask my husband "we can actually afford to send her 1 or 2 days a week, how do you feel about this?". He responded...
"We are in the middle of a pandemic. If you want to send your daughter to nursery with all that is going on, that's up to you".
I then said he doesn't have to be so "cryptic" with his answer as, though I can deduce your opinion that you're not too happy (same as me), it would be great to get a straight answer to help me gauge how strongly you feel about it. He responded the exact same way but topped it off by saying that what he said was his opinion and I should not "insult" his opinion by calling it cryptic.

Long story short, he got emotional and quite upset with what I was saying and it devolved into a mini-argument. My reasoning was. if he just responded along the lines of "I don't want her to go nursery" or "I'm okay her going 1 day a week", then I would have coupled that with my thinking and made a decision. The way he responded made it difficult for me to gauge how strongly he felt about it and therefore difficult to make a final decision. I'm trying to better myself and my relationship so was curious to know whether this was one thing I was absolutely wrong on or not. 

ToxicWomble

The way I read it is:
he doesn’t want the child to attend nursery during pandemic but doesn’t want to make a big deal about it if you feel strongly that they should.

when in doubt - phrase the question so that it can only be answered yes or no. 

That way there is no misunderstanding or ambiguity 

DONT make it about who is right and who it wrong 

MovingForwards

Your husband has given you the final say in whether the kid goes to nursery or not, so make the decision and move on.

McKneff

Why did you say his opinion  was cryptic when you knew exactly what he meant 
Cryptic - Mysterious in meaning, puzzling, ambiguous

Vikipollard

"So, we done the calculations and I ask my husband "we can actually afford to send her 1 or 2 days a week, how do you feel about this?". He responded...
"We are in the middle of a pandemic. If you want to send your daughter to nursery with all that is going on, that's up to you".

Agree with the previous poster that the question was left open to a non-answer. 
I don't see it as much that he's giving you the final say; his wording (if that's the actual words) indicates that it will be down to you if your daughter catches COVID.  You still have the option to do whatever you choose, but I personally would make him give me an actual yes or no answer.

Morrigan_2020

Bit weird and passive aggressive that he talked about it as though she was only your child and that it was only your decision rather than you being equal parents with an equal say.  

There is a tricky decision of risk vs benefit but you need to agree on a plan you are both comfortable with together. 

AskAsk

i wouldn't read too much into the way he responded.  just focus on the final decision. 

if you can't reasonably discuss with him the in and out of what to do, then make it simple and give you a multiple choice question where the options are laballed A,B,C etc and he chooses one option and you also choose one and see how far away the two options are from each other.

princeofpounds

Speaking here as someone who is more in his position than yours...

It wasn't a helpful answer. It's verging on the passive aggressive, but it's hard to be sure about that without fully understanding the context and tone. 

- He didn't directly answer the question you asked him. There is clearly some reservation expressed, but it's ambiguous as to whether it is on health grounds or financial grounds (the pandemic could be influencing either). 

- He is abdicating responsibility. He wants you to make the decision, and to presumably be 'liable' for any consequences.

- It was phrased in a dissociated manner, to the point of being rude. 'your child', 'up to you', 'if you want to'. etc.

It would be very easy for me to be harsh on him given all that. But it could be something simple - perhaps you had been round the houses on this discussion ten times, or missed some earlier objections he had made, and he was fed up. Perhaps you asked him at a moment when he was trying to concentrate on something else. Perhaps he is frustrated about something that really has little to do with you or this decision.

Or perhaps he was just being a d*@k. Sorry. Hopefully it's not representative of his character in general.

Thing is, he wasn't really being cryptic. He was clear that he was giving you a useless reply that put the entire decision on your shoulders. Fine, but make it clear that if he's going to be like that, he can't complain about the outcome if he wouldn't get involved in the decision.

thegentleway

Sorry to hear you had an argument with your husband. In my opinion you can't have an argument unless both people are willing to argue so you are both in the wrong. However I don't think who is wrong or right matters. It's a shame you both got upset about this since it sounds like you both agree that you prefer your daughter not to go to nursery.

maman

As your daughter is so young and the family member is out of work then I'd use the nursery money for that. Under normal circumstances I'd say definitely send her to nursery as socialising with others is really important but next September will be soon enough. 

Just out of interest, are either you or your DH able to work from home? It would be good if you (and especially your DH) could spend time with her as well.

All I'd take issue with is the 'your daughter' comment. That's potentially pushing the decision away so that if things go wrong then it's down to you. I think I'd prefer if he'd said that he would rather she didn't but he knows it's not that simple as you need to return to work and he (apparently) can't do the childcare himself so would support your decision either way. 

Mojisola

Adriana1985 said:

He responded...
"We are in the middle of a pandemic. If you want to send your daughter to nursery with all that is going on, that's up to you".
My reasoning was. if he just responded along the lines of "I don't want her to go nursery" or "I'm okay her going 1 day a week", then I would have coupled that with my thinking and made a decision.

Surely decisions like this have to made jointly.  Did he say "your daughter" because you always have the final say when you two discuss things to do with the children?