Giving Up/Cutting Down Alcohol Thread Part 17

CuppaTea

Feeling a bit of a failure today. 

Feeling like I’ve let myself down and my kids. 

It’s been a bad week for many reasons. 

Feeling down. 

But I’m not giving up. Today will be AF. Will declare later. 

cathybird

September

7 days =

14 days =

21 days =

28 days =

Target reached =

Target beaten =

September targets

alt80 8/TF

Arkers 4/TF Barny 8/25 cathybird 13/21 Coveredinbees 5/15 CuppaTea 6/15 lantanna 7/14 leftatthetrafficlights 4/10 Lupus Lou 12/30 maggiem 3/14 maman 8/10 marahouti 11/21 Pollyanna24 9/TF PriceySOS 6/22 RobM99 12/29 satchmo1 10/25 Season of Mist 29 sukeyboo 6/10 thriftylass 6/22 WBF 5/15 Newcomers welcome!

CuppaTea

6/15 please 

Lupus_Lou

Evening everyone - Sundays are lovely, such a shame they are followed by Monday.

Hi Cathybird,  another day successfully completed so I am now on 12/30

Loops x

graemecarter

Honey_Bear said:

Morning/Afternoon All!  (It was morning when I started this, but then stuff happened, so it's now 1252 and I still haven't hit Post.)

Thank you so much for all your kind, welcoming and supportive comments last time I posted on the thread about a month ago when I was checking how long it was I'd been AF.  I thought it was at least five years and maybe, quite possibly six, but never dreamt it was seven!  That underestimation has to mean something but try as I might I can't really identify what it is precisely!

I still love the smell of red wine, and give Belovéd's glass a good long, deep sniff when he hands it to me to hold occasionally, but the temptation isn't there to take a swig.  The thought is, that'll never go I don't think, but would I want to risk going back to the old way of life?  Absolutely not.  In fact, I'm now at the stage where I don't think anyone could even bribe me to drink again, even once.  That seven year figure was hard won and isn't worth the risk.

Mostly I don't think about booze at all.  I'm surprised when I realise that people are drunk, I think that's the oddest reaction to being AF - I genuinely forget that other people are quietly drinking all along after a day or evening of a social event of any kind (and yes, that includes during Lockdown in our communal garden, all socially distanced with hand sanitzers all over the place etc etc).

I love being free of the hold booze had over me, and I can now see how clear it was that it was getting seriously out of hand because I can remember the calculations I used to do about which nights I'd be drinking to excess, and then managing the hangovers.  I wish I'd been able to restrict my drinking too much to nights when it didn't matter the next day if I had a hangover and I always intended to, but somehow I couldn't quite manage even that level of self-control.  I so admire everyone who can and if I could I'd still be swigging it back with the best of you, but this is the only way I can deal with alcohol so this is the way it has to be for me.

For those who listen to The Archers, Alice is going through all of the stages of this that those of us who struggle to control our drinking go through.  I spotted her problem years ago when it was first being written in, and all the comments about, 'She's only having fun even if she is over the top a bit sometimes' and wondered how long the storyline would be developing before it became a central feature.  It's taken at least five years, and she's been through two attempts at rehab so far, is now at the point of leaving home, husband and daughter, family and everything behind, so that she can carry on boozing.  I'm finding it very compelling, and can only thank my lucky stars I never reached that stage.  It wouldn't have been much longer, probably a couple of years, before I was that deeply in trouble so I'm finding listening to her struggles, and those around her who are affected by it, very compelling.

I still don't advocate giving up completely for other people unless they've tried absolutely everything to control their drinking and absolutely nothing else has worked.  It's now really easy for me to be alcohol-free, but it wasn't to begin with and it requires a great deal of self-discipline which I wasn't at all certain I had - I certainly didn't have it after a glass of anything.  It's only do-able as long as whoever wants to go down this road is determined to give up completely, and tailors the support they use to their own very individual requirements - and that will never be the same for each person.  In the real world I can be spikey and I don't find people I don't know well rather tricky to deal with, not because they're tricky but because I just do.  I even find some very good, longstanding friends tricky!   I know some people swear by Alcoholics Anonymous but I find their proselytising (which is part of what people who sign up for it commit to doing) offensive.  Even saying that out loud means I could get a barrel-load of abuse from those who swear by AA because they seem to commit to that too judging by some of the behaviours I've encountered both in real life and on t'internet, but it's time for me to say it out loud.  Some of the people that I've known who've been through the programme to give up completely can be, at the very least, just a little bit too sanctimonious for my liking - and it would have been a complete disaster for me if I'd come across that approach while I was going through the early days of stopping boozing.  It's just not a conversation I would want to have with anyone who thinks that AA is the only thing that works even now - I'm testament to the fact that it isn't.  When the organisation publish figures that include everyone who attends at least one meeting through to the percentage of people who have managed five years AF then I'll rethink my position, but until they do - I don't trust it.  I'd like to see their audited accounts published both in the USA and the UK because I believe the organisation makes a great deal of money but that information isn't available, and I've always wondered why not.  While I know there are American courts which sentence people (literally) to AA programmes, I dearly hope that never happens in the UK, but who knows.  If it works for you, great, I'm delighted for you, but that doesn't mean it would be the right choice for everyone.

So, what worked for me?  Most importantly of all, This Forum Thread, all of you who contribute to This Group's continued existance were my absolute mainstay for two solid years and I can't thank you all enough.  I know I'll never knowingly meet any of you and that's both a sadness and a slight relief to me, but I'm still deeply grateful to all of you for being there for me when I needed you.  I can never hear the names Shaggy Do, Cathy Bird, Maman, and all the rest too numerous to mention who have been, stayed and gone over the years.  Every one of you counts in my Hall of Gratitude even if I haven't mentioned you by name because there are so many.  Even the people who only post once matter because they're at the point in their lives when they recognise there's a problem, and that in itself is enough to be helpful to others because it helps with recognising that none of us is alone, but it's too hard right now.  It's sad that it's too hard for some people and none of us wants ot be that person but it doesn't mean we can't do it at some other point - I posted once and didn't come back for years but I did eventually, thank goodness.  Just knowing this group existed was incredibly helpful when I made the decision to stop because it meant I knew where to turn for help on the very first morning (after the night before, as they say).

And the only other support I had was Belle and my Belovéd.  I don't know if Belle's support is still free but her daily emails were when I stopped and I never sent a daily check-in that wasn't acknowledged, very much like this forum group.  Belovéd has been great all the way through, and he's carried on with drinking most days in a much more self-disciplined way than when we drank together.  He's just taken me out to breakfast to celebrate my seventh anniversary and given me a lovely card.  I can still remember him saying, 'But you'll still be able to drink champagne, won't you?' when I made the decision and then stuck to it, as we approached Christmas and his birthday.  I thought that was really sweet even then, but he's now totally used to opening the champagne and sharing it with whoever happens to be around (we let rooms and have some great neighbours), or keeping the rest of the bottle in the fridge overnight if he's on his own.  (Tip:  The rest of the bottle keeps its fizz for a good 24 hours even without sticking a teaspoon in the open neck, just in case you didn't know.)

I think that's all I wanted to say today.  I'm around for a couple of days if anyone wants to comment and as long as you're still here I'll be back next year again.  See you then, if not before.

26/31 please CathyBird.

I haven't posted for a while, but a massive congrats to Honey Bear.
We haven't always seen eye-to-eye on certain issues, but HB has found what works for her, and has stuck to it and has seen amazing results, and that's to be appluaded. 
It really strikes me that there is no 'one-size-fits-all' to sobriety/teetotalism. 
Whether it's what HB does, using this thread, going to AA, Antabuse, SMART Recovery, or even standing on your head outside Sainsburys while dressed as a rabbit, finding what works and then sticking with it is absolutely critical. 
If something works, stick with it. If it doesn't try something else. 

The support on this thread is fantastic - bravo everyone. It's inspirational to read. 

maggiem

Declaring early for today Monday, it's time to restart after far too much indulgence in both food and wine. So 3/14 please. 

thriftylass

Still 6/22.

Had a cider with DH last night but still an early night and feel great this morning. 

maman

Lots of socialising happening here this week but will be AF when I can, including today.

8/10 AFDs please Cathy

sukeyboo

maggiem said:

Declaring early for today Monday, it's time to restart after far too much indulgence in both food and wine. So 3/14 please. 

Me too maggiem - although not so much with food 😱

Declaring early for today on 6/10 please cathybird 

Barny1979

8/25 AFDs today