Tightening the belts for unpaid leave

[Deleted User]

I've been lurking on these boards for years and they are so so helpful.  Thinking it's time to start my own debt free diary and keep myself accountable as I am about to start a period of unpaid leave for 6 months from end Feb.
I'm not actually in debt so am not going to post a SOA but I was in debt for many many years across my late teens and twenties and never ever want to be in that position again.  Given I'm going to have no income for 6 months or so, it could be easy to end up there again so another reason why I'm starting this diary so you guys can kick me into touch if I start to stray back into my old ways!
So, backstory: growing up, whilst my parents were wonderful and we had a great and safe childhood, they were very very strict, and whilst I achieved academically, I wasn't really ever taught (or allowed the freedom to learn) what I'd call life skills and common sense!!  So, when I went to Uni, all of a sudden banks and shops were throwing "free" money at us by way of student loans, credit cards, store cards and overdraft facilities (this was late 90's).  I had absolutely no clue what an interest rate was and what that meant (i.e. that I was paying back 40p for every £1 borrowed!!) and just saw it as "free"money and the ability to keep up with the girls I had met at Uni (who I now realise had an unlimited bank of mum and dad).  So although I had a well paid Saturday and holiday job throughout Uni, I spent an eye watering amount of money on what I'd describe as "tut".  Loads of clothes, sandwiches/meals from expensive Uni refectory, nights out, the list goes on.  In fact, it makes me very very upset, sad and guilty just thinking about the colossal amounts I wasted on absolute rubbish.  Then I moved to London in a professional job and it just carried on - I was earning an ok wage at that time, but then the people I had to "keep up" with just got wealthier and it got worse and worse.  I eventually lost my job (due to too much partying and not taking my job/life seriously) after I had just bought a property on a 100% mortgage and signed a contract for a new kitchen to be fitted (which I didn't realise at the time I could have got out of and also which I got royally ripped off on).  I was literally on the bones of my !!!!!! with a mortgage (with a huge interest rate given it was 100% and the early 2000's by now) and loads of debt plus kitchen-gate.  I did have employment protection policies but no-one told me when purchased that they only paid out after being unemployed for 60 days - rather unhelpful - (I have since claimed PPI refunds re these and been successful so not all bad but was pretty poor at the time).  My parents offered to help me but I was so ashamed I took the attitude that I had got myself into the mess so it was down to me to get myself out of it - not their responsibility.  I also came to the realisation that I had a lot of self esteem issues and this was why I felt the need to "keep up" with the Jones's.  I am also mad at myself for that as I realise that I sought out shallow people and people I didn't really have a lot in common with and who I couldn't trust.  Ultimately, no kindred spirits.  What a waste in so many ways.

Anyway, I ended up moving away from the UK, renting out my property and getting a new job.  Took me many years (pretty much the whole of my twenties) to pay off the debt but I did and eventually started to build savings.  Fast forward to now and things are comfortable.  I am early 40's, married with 2 kids and we are looking to buy a house where we live.  Still own the London property which is tenanted though trying to sell it as it has become more of a hassle than it's worth and it needs a lot of work doing to it now.  Whether or not it will sell I have no clue!  We have no debt (other than my London mortgage) and have savings.  I don't know if it's having kids which has done it or meeting my husband, but my self esteem issues are now in check.  I think possibly because once you have kids, you just cannot be bothered with trying to be something you're not as you are so focused on them and don't have the time!  I have surrounded myself with genuine friends who I love and have loads in common with.  Ironically, they are much wealthier than the people I found myself with at Uni (didn't seek them out either - it's because of the profession we are in I met them) but I simply don't feel the need to "keep up" with them.  They all work SO hard for what they have, so many hours and never really have any down time, whereas I have chosen to have a reduced salary and hours which means I can spend time with my husband and kids as that is what is most important to me.  Also, if ever I do find myself (rarely) coveting what others have, I recognise it and give my head a wobble.  It's a nice feeling to be pretty much free of those chains.

So, why am I here?  Well, because I've been in so so much debt previously (circa 40k I think it was), I just don't ever want to end up there again and I think it could potentially be so easy to do, particularly if my self esteem were ever to slide again.  Plus I am going to have 6 months unpaid leave with our baby from end Feb so means things will be very very tight.  I will still have the "income" from my London property (if not sold) but there is a mortgage on it and after tax, it only means approx £200 a month.  We are going to have to survive on DH's wage for the time I'm not paid so we really do need to tighten our belts.  He generally has the same attitude as me to money but is not too worried about the 6 month period.  I do need to get him to see that we can't just buy what we want at supermarket without thinking so I am going to try to take control of the shopping and food planning and make sure I plan some frugal meals during this time!  And stop his amazon habit!!!

Sorry if this diary is rather dull/not within the full spirit of the debt free diaries board as I have no debt but I do think it's important (for me) I'm here because I know how easily it could all just fall apart if I'm not careful.

[Deleted User]

So today, I am just at home with DC2, DH is working from home and DC1 is in nursery.  I know I could potentially cut the nursery fees by having DC1 at home with me but he gets so much out of it, it is really important for his development, so we want to keep him there.  He goes twice a week.  Tonight we are having a butternut squash risotto (I'm making) from stores and there should be enough to freeze to cover a dinner later this week.  The butternut is home grown and we now only have two left from our autumn harvest.  I probably need to nip out to get milk but need DH to watch DC2 whilst I do as otherwise it's such a hassle taking him into the shop.  So hoping today will be a minimum spend day.
Have now done all christmas shopping bar I need to get DH a shirt or something but might go and do that at the weekend.  Also have some cash floating around in purse (approx £20) which need to pay into bank and then shoot over to my savings account.  Unfortunately have received a tax bill for £1323 but doesn't need to be paid until 8 Jan so will pay that then and keep the cash in my savings earning (miniscule) interest but better in my pocket than theirs.  Pay day on Friday so will be a new month's budget and I am going to really try hard to limit what we spend but we do need to buy the christmas food etc from that.  Luckily we are going to MIL for christmas day so spend should be minimal for that day itself and we will stay home for christmas eve and boxing day so just need to plan some nice meals for those days but within budget!

DH should also get paid Friday and gets a £500 bonus at christmas.  However, that will go straight into savings towards the new house.  He is also due a tax rebate of around £683 so hopefully that will come soon.  Again, that will go towards the new house.

LondonLiz

Welcome Rebecca.  Like you I'm not  in debt but I am in this forum as I am not working at the moment and need to keep the spending low. I can't see there are any "rules" that say we can't be here and this is this nicest friendliest most supportive forum of the lot in my experience.  I'd suggest a realistic full year budget will help with educating your husband on the impact of your unpaid leave - a good sit down to look at the effect over the year will hopefully let to him see where the spending needs to be cut.  Good luck.

[Deleted User]

Thanks Liz for the welcome and advice.  I think you might be right!  I run our finances so I think he has no idea how much we tend to spend.  I'm going to keep a spreadsheet for next couple months to show him.

So, I ended up being unable to go to shops so sent DH.  He spent £21.23!!!!!  We needed milk which he got but I hadn't realised our Sage plant had given up the ghost so needed that for the risotto, DC1 had run out of yoghurt (he is obsessed with it so DH got a pack of squeezy ones as they are handy for nursery/out and about and 2 tubs of yeo valley), he got a big bag of crisps for him (at almost £2!!)  and a ready meal for tomorrow evening as we haven't time to cook tonight which was over £8.  I think there might have been some other stuff but can't remember. So a much more expensive shop than I'd hoped.  That is us done now until Friday when I'll do the "big shop" but the christmas food shop will probs be done late next weds night as we have a tiny fridge and freezer so not a huge amount of room to store stuff!

Made the risotto which took ages but was wonderful and enough left to cover a meal tomorrow night.  Watched masterchef professionals whilst eating (I love having tasty food to eat whilst watching food programmes) and then had mince pies and cream from stores.

Got a call from window company as the replacement window in my London property had been installed so I had to pay the balance (£425) which was annoying.  Put it on the card so that if any issues it is covered by Section 75 but had the cash set aside so paid it straight off card from my separate account for those things.

Today I have both kids on my own and we are due at a friends for a playdate at 330.  Presuming weather is ok, my plan is to walk to hers (about 10-15 min walk) with the double buggy which will be the first time I've used it and taken both kids out together (it's very very second, more like third, hand as not sure how long DC1 will be in a buggy for so definitely no point having anything new/fancy).  It's either that or drive but her parking is not good so would mean parking at local leisure centre and walking from there (5 mins) which would be such a hassle getting pram and both kids out and strapped in so better to walk if I can.  Will get DH to pick us up on his way home from work as otherwise we'd be walking home in the dark which I'm not keen on.

If we don't go anywhere else then it should be a NSD which would be good.

Blackcats

Hello and welcome.  I'm another who doesn't have any debt (and never want any ever again) but I've previously had loads of debt and was always borrowing/spending/consolidating/spending again and I'm still learning to behave differently with money.  I agree with Londonliz that everyone here is so supportive, helpful and clever. There are such positive lifestyles and money saving stories on here that actually motivate me to do well in my financial habits as well as enjoying a simpler, less commercially driven lifestyle,  I was also guilty of keeping up with others and being impressed by what others have.
a 6 month sabbatical is really worthwhile - maybe you will find that you can manage on less money in the long term and give yourself options about working fewer hours.

[Deleted User]

Thanks Blackcats.  It's great that you are enjoying a simpler life - I will hop over to your diary soon to see what your story is!
So been a NSD today - stayed in until went to my friends for a playdate (which was mental and has driven me to drink this evening - but wine from stores thankfully).  2 viewings on the London property tomorrow but I'm not hopeful.  Plus, because of the coronavirus rules, have to give my tenant 6 months notice so unless a buyer is willing to take it with a tenant insitu...

Tomorrow I just have DC2 as DC1 in nursery.  Might nip out with DC2 for a bit if weather is ok.  But try to avoid spending.  We don't actually need anything tomorrow food-wise but I do still have to buy DH something else for christmas so might get that tomorrow but still have some money left in my "christmas budget pot" so if I do, will come out of that.

designingalife

Just checking in to say hi, I have spent many years trying to find validation In keeping up with others whilst building a career other thought not possible because of my background/education and I am still working through some of that now. You have achieved many things since those early days, you have experienced university and the “London” life which many don’t experience, you have paid off all of your debt 👍👍👍 and have your family, you have by any stretch a successful life and if these boards help you continue that journey then all the better 😀 good luck look forward to reading along.

[Deleted User]

Thank you for your very kind words designingalife!  I hear you on the background/education bit.  Approximately 16 years ago I was told that a certain group of girls didn't want to hang around with me because I "wasn't from the right background".  Made me very upset but also very cross and I already had low self esteem and an inferiority complex at that time so it didn't really help!!  Also, I did build the "successful" career but I took a step back from that to have and spend time with my kids.  I still struggle daily with the battle on that as I find I am very very bored with what I do now, but more than that, I think it is the low self esteem part of me trying to poke back through and tell me I'm only "good enough" if I go back to the fancy, high powered, "successful" career (to obviously negate the evils of such a "poor" background (which is wasn't - just my parents weren't rich like the horrible girls' parents were)) which, though I wasn't bored, made me thoroughly miserable and actually very poorly with the stress!  I had these thoughts earlier and had to give my head a wobble thinking why oh why do I want to "impress" people who aren't very nice human beings and who I don't like??!!  It's bonkers!!  I will pop over to your diary soon to check out your journey.

astrocytic_kitten

A lot of what you’ve said here has really resonated with me - much of my debt is from trying to ‘keep up’ with wealthier colleagues. I’ve had to take a step back from a fancy career too due to health reasons, and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently about why I don’t feel good enough as I am but feel I need to get back to being “successful” (in my case it’s that I’m single with no kids and I apparently feel it would be acceptable for me to take a step back for family, but not for my own wellbeing. Plus I’m convinced that the world at large and my wider family think if I have a good career then I can be single, but if I don’t have that then I’m just a sad cat lady. It’s totally mad because I’m actually really happy with my life and would much rather be where I am now than still with ex!).

Anyway, didn’t mean to hijack your diary, what you’ve written has just chimed a lot with thoughts I’m having about low self esteem. 

Will be following along your journey - you sound very organised and determined and see the potential pitfalls ahead so I’m sure you’ll do brilliantly!

[Deleted User]

Glad that some of what I have written has resonated with you astrocrytic_kitten though sorry that you feel the same at times as I know how difficult that can be to constantly have that mental battle!  The responses to my thread make me realise this is a lot more common than I thought and I definitely kept my fancy, stressful and utterly miserable career going whilst I was single for the reasons you've cited!  I think I thought it was the only thing I had going for me because at the time I was single.  I really admire you for having taken the step back whilst still single because I was only brave enough to do it some time after meeting my DH and I think it was also family pressure which prevented me from doing so earlier (like you).  However, I do think THE most important thing in the world is our health and happiness - it's the old adage "no one ever lies in their death bed wishing they'd worked more" so to take (or continue) a job which makes us bloody miserable and poorly, just so that we can live up to what we think we ought to be and "impress" people we don't like, is just bonkers.  Besides, those people will never be "impressed" by us anyway, because their own core values/esteem is so wrapped up in their own snobbery that they'd still think they were "better" even if we'd married William or Harry and become royalty!

PollyWollyDoodle

Just delurking to see that this really resonates with me too. I had a professional career that I trained really hard for, I had invested a lot of time and money in getting my qualification, and I had what most people would have thought was a good job, with good prospects. It took me a few years to realise that I wasn’t enjoying it. I was able to take a sideways move which retained my professional qualification but meant I didn’t have to do the client-facing side of things, and I enjoyed that for a few years, but still wasn’t really happy.  If I’d had children, nobody would have blinked at a decision to work part-time or spend more time at home, but I was seen as “unambitious” or “not committed” when I asked about part-time working. 

In the end, five years ago (in my 50s) I decided to leave work and start a part-time career in a new field. I’m a lot older than you, but I still found it quite hard to say that I was going to give up my profession altogether.  All I can say is that I have never regretted it, I love spending more time at home (or at least I did until lockdown), I found my new work really rewarding and I’m able to enjoy my hobbies. I am also able to be a lot more thrifty now I have more time to look for bargains, make things from scratch, search for the best deals etc. I know you won’t have so much time with two young children, but for anyone reading this who is having similar doubts about stepping back from work, I would say don’t hesitate.