Don't really know why I'm posting this, just need to get it out

Pollycat

I read the original post then there seemed to be lots of additional information coming out about the OPs OH's attitude to work and his new responsibilities within the home.
I can understand where the OP is coming from.
Going back 40+ years ago, with no pets and no kids and a house that needed lots of work doing to it, I'd come home from a full time job to find the breakfast pots unwashed in the sink, no dinner prepped and guitars & amplifiers strewn across the dining room.
He'd expect me to cook dinner.
And I never knew when he'd throw a punch. Usually at the furniture/house but sometimes at me.
He's been my ex for 35+ years.
If he's not pulling his weight, run for the hills.

AskAsk

Pollycat said:

I read the original post then there seemed to be lots of additional information coming out about the OPs OH's attitude to work and his new responsibilities within the home.
I can understand where the OP is coming from.
Going back 40+ years ago, with no pets and no kids and a house that needed lots of work doing to it, I'd come home from a full time job to find the breakfast pots unwanted in the sink, no dinner prepped and guitars & amplifiers strewn across the dining room.
He'd expect me to cook dinner.
And I never knew when he'd throw a punch. Usually at the furniture/house but sometimes at me.
He's been my ex for 35+ years.
If he's not pulling his weight, run for the hills.

that was what got me hooked on my husband as even when he worked, he would still cook the dinner for me when he got in, even when i wasn't working.  a man like that is hard to find 

Pollycat

I think this stood out to me:

CurlySue2017 said:

The other thing is that my car needs work and as an ex-mechanic he could do it for me, but he suggested I take it to a garage.  We are on a tight budget because he isn't working so I said that seemed a waste of money and it went from there.

It sounds like he has the attitude "I can't be bothered to mend the car because it will eat into my gaming/you-tubing time".

And this:

CurlySue2017 said:

I'm getting up at 5am to take care of the pets, working all day, then picking up household tasks when I finish work.  He washes the dishes and cooks a meal maybe three times a week, the rest of the time he sits in front of the TV all day (rarely gets up before 11am). 

This is not being fair.

I think cheeky-peach makes a good point:

cheeky-peach said:

It sounds like he just wants to go about his day, literally doing nothing and is using you as an enabler for that. He has a roof over his head, food in his belly and electricity to play his games. Sounds a bit like a teenager living at home albeit a lazy one.

Maybe this incident will be the catalyst that makes you say 'Things cannot and will not go on as they are. Things must change".

You should think of yourself and your health and well-being too.

I hope you can have a calm discussion about what happened and sort out a fair division of labour (because your current set-up is certainly not fair on you) and agree to do something about his depression.

I wish you well.

elsien

Have to agree with pollycat. The replies might have had a slightly different slant if the information that was added later had been there from the start. 

CurlySue2017

Thank you for your comments.  The reason that I didn't go into much detail in the OP is as per the title of the thread, I wasn't looking for advice or opinions I just needed to get out of my system what had happened.  I had been up all night and was still upset by the whole thing, so I do apologise for posting without thinking.

To be honest I didn't really want to go into as much detail as I have, because it makes my OH sound like a lazy, unkind person and he is not at all.  He is having some problems and I understand that.  My point was that I am having problems too, so we both need to work together.

Cheeky-peach and Pollycat hit the nail on the head - that was the point that I was trying to make - I can't do everything on my own and when I tried to raise the issue, it resulted in a row and then the outburst.  And this behaviour is out of character for him, yes he is work-shy, but in the past when he has been out of work he has taken on the household tasks, so it has always been balanced and we have bumbled along very happily.  This time though he has slipped into doing absolutely nothing and I can't cope with everything alone.

We had a very long and quite upsetting talk last night but ultimately we have decided that we absolutely want to work this out.  He has contacted the GP this morning and will be seen regarding his depression, so we now have a starting point to work from.

HCIMbtw

I was friends with a bloke like this, lovely laid back and chilled bloke, loved his partner, but no drive to work and struggled to make an effort round the house. 

It was essentially a mental health issue for him, he was depressed, gaining lots of weight, had issues related to his upbringing and divorced parents. He was married and ultimately his marriage broke up because of a combination of both their behavior. 

He has since lost a lot of weight and made a lot of progress securing meaningful employment. 

For context I actually see a lot of their behaviours in myself (albeit it to a lesser extent). I have to be disciplined, set routines, and take satisfaction from doing things I would otherwise put off. 

He isn't the first bloke to punch a wall and he won't be the last. I can imagine how distressing it must've been but with him blowing up, but with this probably comes an opportunity to change things for the better. All the best. 

Pollycat

Positive news, CurlySue2017.

Hope you manage to work things out.

I agree with Elsien about the earlier replies but I do understand why you didn't tell all initially. I guess you felt disloyal and then felt that nobody was on your side.

I wish you well for the future.

CurlySue2017

HCIMbtw said:

I was friends with a bloke like this, lovely laid back and chilled bloke, loved his partner, but no drive to work and struggled to make an effort round the house. 

It was essentially a mental health issue for him, he was depressed, gaining lots of weight, had issues related to his upbringing and divorced parents. He was married and ultimately his marriage broke up because of a combination of both their behavior. 

He has since lost a lot of weight and made a lot of progress securing meaningful employment. 

For context I actually see a lot of their behaviours in myself (albeit it to a lesser extent). I have to be disciplined, set routines, and take satisfaction from doing things I would otherwise put off. 

He isn't the first bloke to punch a wall and he won't be the last. I can imagine how distressing it must've been but with him blowing up, but with this probably comes an opportunity to change things for the better. All the best. 

I have also learned to do this for myself with the help of counselling and it really works, the problem that we have had was getting him to acknowledge that this was depression and not just a "can't be bothered" attitude.  He seems to understand now that he does need some help and that there is no shame in asking for help.  He has taken the step of contacting the GP so I am confident that things will start to improve.

Thank you for your kind words.

CurlySue2017

Pollycat said:

Positive news, CurlySue2017.

Hope you manage to work things out.

I agree with Elsien about the earlier replies but I do understand why you didn't tell all initially. I guess you felt disloyal and then felt that nobody was on your side.

I wish you well for the future.

This is very kind, thank you.

I agree with Elsien too, I wasn't thinking clearly when I was posting yesterday and I did feel a bit "attacked" but I do understand why, context is everything!

I feel clearer today after talking things out last night and OH does too so we are looking forwards now.

pollypenny

CurlySue2017 said:

Pollycat said:

Positive news, CurlySue2017.

Hope you manage to work things out.

I agree with Elsien about the earlier replies but I do understand why you didn't tell all initially. I guess you felt disloyal and then felt that nobody was on your side.

I wish you well for the future.

This is very kind, thank you.

I agree with Elsien too, I wasn't thinking clearly when I was posting yesterday and I did feel a bit "attacked" but I do understand why, context is everything!

I feel clearer today after talking things out last night and OH does too so we are looking forwards now.

Good, that's what I was hoping for. Hope things work out for you. But I don't think I could live with what seems to be regular spells of unemployment and insecurity.