Don't really know why I'm posting this, just need to get it out

jackieblack

CurlySue2017 said:

So the implication is that I asked for it?

TBH I don’t see where this has been implied by anyone 🤷🏻‍♀️

Vegastare

 I can understand why you are so upset....this man has never done this and this out of character and it has alarmed you....but there is a very big but here.  The man is unemployed and this clearly must have rocked his world, he may well feel his purpose in the relationship is of little worth and be so low he can't even manage to look at doing menial tasks.
The car your working etc is all too much and this calm man is possibly struggling with anxiety and is very low.
Life is so difficult at this time and there seems so little light at the end of the tunnel.   
You are saying that it is out of character and maybe reflecting on why - might calm the situation.
Try and stay positive and I hope all calms down....you are in shock and it will pass so rather than confront if things start up again walk away.
Are you at work now - if so just try and take a step back, going home with all this upset still on your radar might show and your OH might also be dreading any reaction and also like you feeling upset at what happened  you may have both spoken harsh words - he like you may  too be hurting.
 

CurlySue2017

Vegastare said:

 I can understand why you are so upset....this man has never done this and this out of character and it has alarmed you....but there is a very big but here.  The man is unemployed and this clearly must have rocked his world, he may well feel his purpose in the relationship is of little worth and be so low he can't even manage to look at doing menial tasks.

This is not the case, he has always been work shy.  He has been in and out of work our whole relationship and when he has got a job, it is me that has initially found it for him.  I have had no problem with this, because it has always been balanced by him looking after the home while I'm at work.  He has made no attempt to look for a job since July. 

The car your working etc is all too much and this calm man is possibly struggling with anxiety and is very low.
Life is so difficult at this time and there seems so little light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm getting up at 5am to take care of the pets, working all day, then picking up household tasks when I finish work.  He washes the dishes and cooks a meal maybe three times a week, the rest of the time he sits in front of the TV all day (rarely gets up before 11am). 
You are saying that it is out of character and maybe reflecting on why - might calm the situation.
Try and stay positive and I hope all calms down....you are in shock and it will pass so rather than confront if things start up again walk away.
Are you at work now - if so just try and take a step back, going home with all this upset still on your radar might show and your OH might also be dreading any reaction and also like you feeling upset at what happened  you may have both spoken harsh words - he like you may  too be hurting.

I'm WFH so we are together all day and night.  We are both upset and he is clearly very sorry, but his outburst frightned me

I want to make it clear that I understand he is low, but so am I.  I have depression and anxiety myself which I have had counselling for and am still working through.  He refuses to get any help although I am sure he is depressed.  I'm trying my best because we love eachother but this is all getting too much for me.  I can't do everything myself and by discussing him helping a bit more, this is what has resulted.

I care about him so much and I'm worried if we seperate he will do something silly, but I'm struggling to cope.

pollypenny

You're both going through a horrible time. He may well feel even worse, since you're still earning and he's not. 

Give him a cuddle and try to talk it out. 

CurlySue2017

You are missing the point - if he had a choice he would never work.  Being out of work is not a problem for him, he prefers it that way.  He is depressed but not because he doesn't have a job.

He sits around all day doing nothing

Spends all his benefits on himself, doesn't offer anything towards bills

When I ask him to help more, it becomes a row and results in him lashing out and punching a hole in the wall (rental - so this will come from the deposit that I paid. Myself, no contribution from him)

But he needs a cuddle?

I understand now why women are afraid to speak up

Vegastare

This situation is so complex and you working from home too makes things so very much harder.  I meant no disrespect of you in anything I wrote, your clearly understand him being low in mood and spirit and you are coping too with anxiety and depression.
You mention in your last sentence something which says so very much that you are concerned that if you separate he may do something silly, are you able to discuss this with your counsellor  - it is a hell of a burden to carry on your shoulders, I hope you can gain support here and maybe a caring and not critical response can help from others.
By posting you are getting your thoughts out and we all need that from time to time.

CurlySue2017

Vegastare said:

This situation is so complex and you working from home too makes things so very much harder.  I meant no disrespect of you in anything I wrote, your clearly understand him being low in mood and spirit and you are coping too with anxiety and depression.
You mention in your last sentence something which says so very much that you are concerned that if you separate he may do something silly, are you able to discuss this with your counsellor  - it is a hell of a burden to carry on your shoulders, I hope you can gain support here and maybe a caring and not critical response can help from others.
By posting you are getting your thoughts out and we all need that from time to time.

Firstly, thank you.

I took no disrespect from your post, hence I tried to reply as best I could.

I understand how low he feels I really do and it kills me.  I wish I could take that away, but I can't.  I love him so much and I know that he loves me.

I think this (bolded) is the only reason that I posted, although I wish I hadn't now to be honest.  It was just such a shock.

My emotions are getting the better of me now that I feel like at least one person understands, so I will leave it here for now.

Thank you again.

AskAsk

i am guessing because he is not this type of person that you worry?  people sometimes have to vent their anger, frustration, worry, stress etc, and punching the wall was his way to let out steam.  he didn't punch you so i wouldn't get too worked up about it.

i smashed my husband's laptop in front of him when we had a row as he was screaming about the laptop being broke as he blamed the dog for causing him to spill his glass of wine into the laptop.  we then had a huge row when i told him to stop shouting and screaming as it was doing my head in.

i ended up picking up the laptop and threw it on the floor several times until it died, then i said to him, that it is defintely broke now, so problem over.  get a new laptop and stop screaming.

we are both hot tempered so when people are angry, they will do stupid things like this.  it doesn't mean they are violent, so don't let it upset you too much.  sometimes it is good to let it all out if the stress is building up too much and you can't cope anymore.

cheeky-peach

It sounds to me as if you have a few options here, should you wish to really "sort this out". 

1. Ask your partner to help more, contribute to household income etc. 
2. Ask your partner to seek help for his depression with the hope that he will then be enabled to help out more.
3. Ask your partner to move out.
4. Encourage your partner to talk about what can help you to help him. 

It sounds like 1 and 2 haven't worked out. It sounds like he just wants to go about his day, literally doing nothing and is using you as an enabler for that. He has a roof over his head, food in his belly and electricity to play his games. Sounds a bit like a teenager living at home albeit a lazy one. I'm not intending to upset you so apologies but surely you can't go on like this forever? Waiting for him to snap out of it and get a job or do more around the house. He clearly doesn't want to talk about it and as you're already appearing to manage on one income, maybe that's the way forward until he sorts himself out. You can only help people who want to help themselves and you shouldn't be taken for a mug which is what this reads to be. I have been there and it's not nice for that individual mentally. 
I know you love this person but I honestly believe that's not enough sometimes and you can only take so much burden.

Good luck.

AskAsk

CurlySue2017 said:

You are missing the point - if he had a choice he would never work.  Being out of work is not a problem for him, he prefers it that way.  He is depressed but not because he doesn't have a job.

He sits around all day doing nothing

Spends all his benefits on himself, doesn't offer anything towards bills

When I ask him to help more, it becomes a row and results in him lashing out and punching a hole in the wall (rental - so this will come from the deposit that I paid. Myself, no contribution from him)

But he needs a cuddle?

I understand now why women are afraid to speak up

just saw this as i only read your original post.  yikes.

you need to have a head to head talk with him and ask him to get medical assessment for his depression, if it is clinical depression.  and ask him to make some changes as you can't continue like this any more.

i find that people don't change.  they may say they have every intention of doing so, but sooner or later, they will go back to their old ways when all the commotion have passed.

you may find that you may have to make the hard decision of calling it a day.