End of Life in Care Home

Artytarty

That’s very sad and I feel for you at this horrible time.
my own father waited until air had left the room and he was alone, then he went.
I was actually angry with him for a while till I realised he was trying to spare me.

Mojisola

hb2 said:

As someone said previously, it is very common for people to 'hang on' until they are alone and then slip away quietly (just as the loving family have gone to the loo, or for a coffee) so it is very possible that you wouldn't have been with your father at the very end anyway.

We were on a 24/7 rota sitting with my uncle in the hospice in his last weeks.  The nurses told us that many patients wait until they are alone before going and that's what happened.  His sister was with him, told him she was just going to the kitchen to get a drink and he had gone by the time she got back. 

74jax

Artytarty said:

That’s very sad and I feel for you at this horrible time.
my own father waited until air had left the room and he was alone, then he went.
I was actually angry with him for a while till I realised he was trying to spare me.

Very similar here, but I was angry at myself... don't ask me why.  I still wish I'd stayed with Dad, we're Irish and usually have someone with the person until the end - any even afterwards until burial if I'm honest.  He'd hung on and hung on, it took a while for me to accept he did it in his own time and when I wasn't there deliberately.  That's how I have come to accept it anyway, whether its the truth or not.  

Artytarty

Irish too!
typo in my post, of course I meant to say he waited until I had left the room, not air!
I felt denied, though now many years later I am glad I don't have any haunting images.

I think whatever way it happens we may wish it were different but these days, being ready and wanting to be there but not being allowed under the regulations must be about as tough as it gets.

idreamadream

Hi very sad i know what you are going through. There told me and my 3 sisters that my dad has very little time left he also in a care home with mum . T here told us only one person can go in  but on the last day there let all of us to go in we had ppe on and dad died 5 hours later it was not covid my mam has demention we coul go in and see her and tell her my there was no reaction from my mam 

hb2

I slept on the floor by my Mum's bed for the last 3 weeks of her life. Every time I left the room, I told her that I was going and it was OK to slip away if she wanted to. She eventually went when I had dozed off one morning.

thepurplepixie

annie501 said:

Thank you everyone for your kind and helpful comments. I apologise for not replying sooner. A few hours after I posted original comment my Dad passed away on his own with nobody there. A sad state when a man who served his country in WW2 died alone without anyone from his family to hold his hand and tell him how much we loved him. I’m sorry for all the other families who are in similar circumstances.

I'm sorry for your loss and it must be hard but was he alone or was he without his family?  I ask as I do some voluntary work in a care home.  I know when a resident died in lockdown he did not die alone, 2 carers who had known him for several years were sitting with him, staff had been doing 24 hr vigils with him.  I don't know if all homes are the same but would it help if you knew that something like that happened?  I think with a few rare exceptions carers do actually care about the people they look after.  I have an elderly relative who has been in a dementia home for 4 years, she is very close to her carers and if I am  honest they know more about what she needs now than I do.