Nursery Issues anyone help? (Update)

nats3006

Hello all,
Just a quick post really for a bit of advice, my 2 sons started nursery on 5th November full time whilst i went back to work, anyway to cut a long story short my oldest son is 3 and a half and he loves nursery, but there is another little boy there who has started to bite him, the first occasion was last wednesday on his hand and the nursery teacher said James did nothing to provoke this little boy biting him, ok i said well can you make sure it doesnt happen again.

Anyway come thursday i get a call at work to say my son had been bitten again by the same boy, and im not talking little bites im talking bleeding bites, this time it was on his arm and he had cut right through his arm, again the nursery said James did nothing to provoke him.

Apparently the little boys mother has just had another baby so he is a bit jealous, ok but this isnt my sons fault so why take it out on him??
The nursery called the mother in after the second occasion of biting and his mother said yes it will stop etc etc. The nursery also advised they would make sure no type of bullying will happen.

Anyway its bothering me because im thinking is this a form of bullying? so i took him to nursery this morning and i saw the little boy throw a big tractor at James, now i didnt say anything but this is really upsetting me. I know kids arent perfect but why is this happening in nursery? i dont want him terrified of going to school in september because of this boy.

Any advice on what to do?
Im thinking of changing his nursery but he does like it where he is and this other little boy only goes 2 days a week.
I dont really know what to say to the nursery about this.

Thanks in advance.

kal25

Hi Nats, sorry to hear of your poor son being bitten bythis boy. However, I am not sure what YOU can do,really it is his mother and the nursery who need to sort this issue out. Why it is happening, who knows, it could be as nursery suggested. The best thing would be for the nursery to try and keep your son and this boy a part, until this behaviour stops.
I do believe that most children go through a biting stage and sometimes there is no reason other than testing boundaries. My 2nd son used bite terribly not other children but his brother, me and dad. The reason we reckoned for his behaviour was that he has alwasy been really small for his age, this was his way of reacting as he hadn't strength to hit or fight you he'd turn round and bite you instead. Not that we accepted the behaviour you understand but took a while for us to get him out of it.
You said the mother was called in, did she see your son's bite marks? Just thinking if she knew he'd bit that hard he'd drawn blood may make her realise this is a big problem and needs to be dealt with. I would not think it is directed personally at your son just he may happen to be nearest to him at the time.
Hope you get it sorted. Kal25

nats3006

I would say this age of 4 is quite old to be biting?? im thinking of removing him from the nursery. I have got another son who is 1 and i have always taught James never to hit Daniel and to be nice so maybe this is why he lets this happen, i mean this osunds bad but at the minute i would rather James hit back then maybe he would stop doing this.

Its not fair at all and i cant just sit back and do nothing because this is my son and obviously the nursery and the mother have not dont anything to stop this happening so i think the only other option is to remove him from the nursery.

Thanks for your reply.

nats3006

Also no the mother didnt see the marks on my son. Sorry forgot to add.

kal25

Hi nats, sorry didn't realise the age of the boy in question.Rightly so he should not be biting at this age. May be worth you looking around at other nurseries, your son should not have to suffer anothers behaviour. Hope you get sorted soon. Kal25

izoomzoom

As the mother of a boy who used to bite, I have to say that it is difficult to get them to stop. DS2 is 2.5y younger than DS1 and we have lost count of the number of times that DS1 has been bitten. DH and I were bitten on occasion too. We used to tell DS2 off, punish him by sitting on the step etc, but it took years to get him to stop. Invaribly he was always frustrated by something that had happened, but how you get a child to stop biting is beyond me. I really just think that DS2 eventually outgrew the need to bite. Sometimes we would go months between bites, and at other times, minutes ....

It is frustrating when your child is at the receiving end (as well as the giving end ...)

fsdss

it is not that uncommon for children to bite even if they are 4.

however it is up to the nursery to inform YOU of what action that they are taking to prevent this re-occurring. this is usually with consent from the "offending" childs mother and with a proper managed behaviour management strategy in place. you need to ask them what they are doing about it and what preventative measures are in place.

mrcow

izoomzoom wrote: »

but how you get a child to stop biting is beyond me.

You bite them back.

Show them that it hurts. Did you ever try this incidently?

I've never had to personally do this, but I've been assured that it works. Not suggesting the nursery workers should be doing this btw!

OP, I think you should put your concerns in writing to the nursery. If things don't improve then you're going to need to be recording events ) including thetruck incident).

maverickangel

It might be worth asking if the nursery has a written "biting" policy - I know my children's pre-school does, and check this is being adhered to. Their policy is first bite is dealt with "in house", second bite and biter's parents / carers are met with to devise a suitable strategy, which should be being actioned.

I would wish to meet with the nursery manager / relevant key workers to find out what is being done, and also to express concerns that incidents of violence are still being perpetrated against my child. It is NOT ok for children to throw things. I would want a written copy of the action plan they have produced to deal with this.

On a practical level, if it was my child being bitten I would be telling them to bite / hit back as hard as they could. Not because I condone physical violence, but because it seems to me that in nursery / pre-school / school settings children are allowed to display the most outrageous behaviour and very little is done to stop it. Both my children bit me once and never did it again (or bit anyone else) because they were severely disciplined. (And not by smacking or biting back - mummies do not smack or bite in this household). Similarly they are disciplined for hitting so have only done it once or twice. That said, I'd tell them to bite / hit back in a situation like this, as it's unfair they should be victims for behaving properly and not retaliating when adults don't / can't / won't step in to prevent the biter from doing the deed.
Best of luck.

Madmel

Totally agree with maverickangel. DD1 used to get bullied at nursery by a boy who was one of twins. He was the only boy in the family and his twin had mobility problems, so had lots of attention. Dad seemed to relish his boy being "a lad". He was horrid to DD so we taught her to punch him in the face AFTER he had hit her. Funnily enough, when it finally happened that she punched him, it was the first & last time!

I'm not condoning violence, but if the nursery has told him off and it's still happening, go for it.

DD2 did it to a bossy little madam at school last year. There was a bit of a song & dance about it from the other kids, and when I went to confess to the Head that DD had done it and I would back her up in punishing DD, she took me to one side and quietly said that she was delighted as this girl had been throwing her weight about for far too long and had had it coming to her.

Best of luck!

nats3006

Thanks to everyone for your replies,
I have told my son to bite or hit him back but i think he has got it in his head not to hurt someone else, i just cant seem to get it into his head to hit back if someone hits/bites him first then give them a taste of their own medicine,

I discussed this with the nursery tonight although they cannot 100% guarantee this isnt going to happen again because i know they dont see everything that goes on, as much money as i pay but anyway!

I think im just going to change the nursery as i cant have him scared of starting school in september, i mean James is not a small boy he is very big for his age, alot of people say he looks like he is about 5! he is very big built as well and this other little boy is below his chin so i cannot understand it, but i always believe if a child knows you wont fight back they will do it again and again!!