First Steps to Solvency

mothsinmywallet_2

Nothing profound to say. My DH has attempted suicide multiple times. Here if you ever need to talk x

DayDreamerandGeneralWaster

I can sort of relate. I mentioned about we put our house on the market then DH changed his mind about having a mortgage into our 60s. One of the things that upset me was l felt l would get noticed more with a house like that. I know it sounds pathetic. It has certainly made me think about why l feel unnoticed, l need to deal with that. I wouldn't even consider myself to be materialistic. Perhaps l am after all.

Take it one day at a time. It has got better, it will continue to get better financially. It will feel far more satisfying paying for things without utilising credit lines. Cherish the little things.

PassElephant

You aren't alone alt.
There are a lot of people facing life resets and turning a thousand what it's in their minds. Perhaps when you are in a better place you can help. You offer a lot to others on here already.
If you can please try to remember that you are a good man and have done a lot of good and will do a lot more good in your life.
 You can do this. All storms pass.

PassElephant

"what is" not "what it's".  Doh...

ryanm8655

lostmyusername said:

Alt, I see a lot of myself in you. I also like the finer things in life. I’m materialistic and I always want top of the range. I had a sizeable but fragile ego. I find it incredibly easy to spend and hard to save. I’m a very recently a higher earner, although not to the same scale as you - shy of £4k net per month, although my partner also earns, so our combined take home is close to £6k per month. I’m 26 and deep down fully expect to be able to buy a large, nice house in the future, although I have no idea how the numbers will add up. I also tend to lash out when told I’m wrong. I’m just lucky that the things I lust after are usually in the few hundred quid region rather than a hundred grand. So believe me when I say that I really do know where you’re coming from. 

However, I know - and I think you know - that this really isn’t a good life to live. It’s hard to not always have the best but I’ve decided that for me, the cost is far too high. I’d rather sleep soundly at night and not feel guilty about the money I’ve spent for things I get bored of. I think you’re getting there too. It is a long, hard slog and difficult for people like us, who like instant gratification. But you’re already so far along, you might as carry on committing  to it and have that good night’s sleep. I think it’ll be worth it! 

Spot on - another member of the instant gratification club.

@alt80 sorry to hear about things with the wife, a lot can change in a year though. Keep trying hard to be a better person and try not to give yourself such a hard time.You're doing so well, keep it up.

warby68

@alt80
I'm sorry you're still on the mental rollercoaster.
I think everything is going to take time as you're unwinding issues many years in the making.
Telling your friend stands out as a significant breakthrough . Hopefully a little weight will have been lifted. Its hard work pretending.
I have a feeling getting the 40th out of the way will help too - its looming at the moment and I remember being very unsettled in the run up to mine. 
Keep going, you're doing very well even if it idoesn't feel like it yet

alt80

Generally a nice day today. £12 spent in Starbucks Halloween pumpkin spice had to be done. Made a chicken salad for lunch and some toffee apples for the zoom kids Halloween- that was weird. I’m still not a fan of the zoom / Teams video events tbh but son got dressed up and enjoyed it. Some super competitive parents on the pumpkin carving fml it’s a bit of fun for the kids. And the oneupmanship over !!!!!! covid was unreal. Did we take our son for a walk out with him and the dog dressed up to see some of the decorations, yep. Did he pick up a couple of bags of sweets people had put out, yep. Did we walk into town to grab a Starbucks, yep. Didn’t knock on anyone’s door etc hasn’t harmed anyone just a bit of fun away from the world banging on about masks and sanitiser. More likely to get it off me going into a hmo than from picking a bag of sweets out of a jar with gloves on ha.

One of his friends parents are very self righteous. Kid is alright but mum and dad are the biggest champagne socialists going both 100 revelling in covid restrictions they absolutely !!!!!! love it. Dream come true stuff for them this is, high up in HMRC probably says it all haha. Wife mentioned we went out with son they weren’t impressed lol. As soon as zoom meet finished wife was like ‘I was just waiting for you dropping the f-bomb and all hell breaking loose’ ha master of diplomacy when I want to be. Tbf wife and I had a good laugh this evening - nothing spoiled for son everyone happy, few drinks, few of my toffee apples, film etc etc. Facetimed in-laws who were happy to ‘see’ son MIL actually impressed with toffee apples (look of lol) so quite pleased with myself there and also my parents who were in full Halloween garb ‘for son’ yeah, yeah they love it lol. Even FIL pleasant enough tonight but happy with FaceTime only there ha.

@stymied yeah it’s the lack of honesty. I understand that. I’ve been so wrapped up in keeping my image up that I’ve not respected her enough to be honest and open when she has with me. Never cheated on her but that’s about the only thing I’ve not done. Thing the other week has been the straw that broke the camel’s back tbh. It’s something she’s always had a problem with, even more since she knew we were having son and me doing it at home the other week massively crossed the line. 110 wished I hadn’t she knows I regret it and has seen it’s not something I make a habit of but don’t suppose that’s really the point. 

All I can do I think is pay down the debts and show her I don’t intend to lack honesty from now on. 

@mark55man thanks mate. Not in a great place but I’ll get there. Been through massive downers before years ago I worked and went to bed for about 6/7 months, literally did nothing else lol. At least I’m doing a bit more than that this time helping myself and working on the counselling.

I assume you mean where I’d be if I sold everything apart from my main business? Wouldn’t be 7 figures, more like £600k with all mortgages paid so about £470k with the debts paid, would buy a house outright up here. I’ve considered selling 4 houses and clearing cards / Range Rover to just start again. Would be able to build portfolio again but just don’t think it’s the right option for me- didn’t learn my lesson from remo and if I’m counting RR, less than 2 years after I was another £140k in debt prior to the £10k paid off so far. Can’t keep doing it, need a lifestyle change lol.

@getmore4less tbh I’ll speak to accountant if I want to go down that route and he’ll sort can’t face working out all the BIK etc ha but yes ultimately it’ll affect my income not by an awful lot I don’t think.

Not sure it’s going to work for me though. Don’t want to own an electric car not for me just a potential means to an end. Can’t say I like the Teslas really, just fast for what it is lol.

@lostmyusername £4k net a month at 26 is very respectable. I’d just set up in business at that age plus a bit of consultancy work earned about average £3.5k/m that first year. Had £700/m going out on a RR then too lol never learn. You also have your partners earnings too. Absolutely smashing it. You will be able to get a nice house easily don’t give up on that. I wasn’t living in a big Victorian detached at 26 lol, I had a 3 bed end-terrace with 1930s kitchen and bathroom, hardly been touched since ww2, no central heating etc it was a flip but had stretched to buy it (area) and couldn’t afford to do the work for nearly three years, same area as I live now but two cars and no off-road parking. First house wife and I shared. First time she came round it was as I bought it rising damp half way up the walls, no carpets etc lol no !!!!!! wonder she thought I wore a fake Rolex and thought I was utterly deluded when I told her I’d buy next door lol. Seriously you’ll get there and have a laugh looking back at the places you lived on the way up.

Has made me think she definitely wasn’t after that lifestyle ha. Remember her saying 3/4 dates in ‘I thought you had a few quid when you picked me up in a Range Rover and gave me your address’ haha I was mortified taking her back there and lighting a !!!!!! coal fire in the bedroom for heat when she said she was cold lol.

@mothsinnywallet_2 I’m sorry to hear about your husband. It’s really not that bad for me, I’ve had fleeting thoughts kind of what’s the point rather than any sort of intention. Intend to carry on speaking to my counsellor but thank you. 

@ryanm8655 tbh she wants to make it work too - just doesn’t want to live the rest of her life as housemates if she can’t move on from the stuff I’ve done. All I can do is work on sorting myself out which I am. 

@warby68 The 40th is causing me a lot of angst especially with everything else going on. Son 7 on Monday then get the further advance out the way, birthday, then hopefully new project completion by year end all being well probably doubtful with lockdown. Seeing new project as a symbol of something better to come lol. Wife actually quite interested in it will help with overall LTVs a bit too once done. Perhaps need to stop being proud, own up to my real level of leverage and look for more projects see if I can get a few more to refurb / manage long term if the right things come up especially next year if values start to creep downwards. Know a fair few investors so might be able to source/ refurb and manage for them put all monies into my own portfolio for growth / lowering the LTVs over the long term. Idk just thinking aloud there ha. Already found one to manage just waiting for it going through so those fees will be going straight back into my portfolio. Happy days to be getting back out there rather than trying to pretend it doesn’t exist most of the time. 

monetxchange

Honestly think you're thinking worst case with your wife. I don't think you're at housemates stage yet - she's just annoyed at you and being distant. I'm sure it'll pass. I also think it links to the "instant high" thing you get from shopping too - relationships are not all excitement and wow moments. Reality is your wife loves you, cares for you and your son and home, is a true partner in holding up your life while you work, knows all your flaws and positives. Not at all like a housemate. It's a partnership.

Don't do anything rash like end it as you're chasing the next high and end up with a hefty divorce bill and a string of "Love Island rejects" that'll further dent your money before they get bored. Relationships aren't always this insta worthy social media dream. You've got it good and it's worth working on.

gingeremmie

I don't think I've posted on this forum for over 10 years, only just found my login haha, but I've spent the last couple of days reading your diary and thought I should shove my oar in!

The thing that sticks out for me is that you seem very very unhappy. You seem to attribute that to the fact that you've had to rein in the spending a bit and you don't have the biggest, flashiest and fastest toys on your drive, but I'm wondering if you were happy (really happy) when you did have the toys? Wanting a high from buying things seems a shallow sort of contentment to me - how do you find long term contentment and happiness if the buzz dies off within a few days and then you're looking for the next buzz - it's that addictive personality again. And the lack of self worth. Where does that come from? What was your childhood like? 

I know you're having counselling and I think that's brilliant, I think you need to apply a sort of CBT attitude to your thoughts and feelings- they are only thoughts and feelings and you can sit and feel them, analyse them, understand them, they don't have to control you. It's hard to articulate but I want to say but we all have the negative voice in our heads sometimes - it's about challenging those thoughts and not letting them run away unchecked.

I also think you have a huge and complex defence mechanism, you quickly take a position of defensiveness - for example you think that a person earning 6 figures and driving a Kia is somehow an attack on you and your Range Rovers and BMWs and whatever else , and I don't think it is, that person is just not a car person. And then you twist that defensiveness into a different narrative that actually all the people who make different choices are deep down jealous of you and your Range Rover - but that is your twisted narrative and no matter how many of us tell you that that is not the case you don't believe us. I wouldn't know one RR from another, I don't know how much they cost (other than from what you've said) and I certainly don't want one. Why the defensiveness and the twisting of the narrative to tell yourself that everyone is jealous actually? It's that lack of self worth again. This is at the bottom of everything. You are your own worst critic and you use possessions as a measure of your self worth and one does not equal the other and in your case the possessions have not even been the boost to your self worth because they are on finance and you then use that as a stick to beat yourself with - and we're back to the poor self esteem and self worth again. It exhausts me just thinking about it.

You think money sitting doing nothing is wasted, others have a different opinion. I like knowing I've got 6 months worth of mortgage payments tucked away so that if I was made redundant I wouldn't rack up debts on credit cards whilst I searched for a new job, that brings me comfort. The point I'm trying to make is that we all have things which bring us contentment, just because mine aren't the same as yours doesn't mean that I'm wasting money, neither is there anything wrong with having a higher risk threshold than me and deciding that you're comfortable with a different scenario, but your sneering at people in Kia's and your friend who "only" has a £300k house is not an enviable personality trait if I may be blunt, and deep down it's that low self esteem again, making yourself feel better by comparing yourself to others. We all do it but not to the same extent and in the same way you do.

We all have to work at ourselves, we all have things we dislike or judge ourselves for and I didn't come here to bash you. I think you've done flipping brilliantly, I really do. You've made so much progress in what? 6-8 weeks!? That's amazing! I just want you to find happiness, I see so much disordered and chaotic thinking and highs and lows, the adrenaline and serotonin rushes one minute followed by the crash an hour or a day later and I wish you could find a way to see that a predictable, steady, what you would call boring life can be a source of joy for many.

And you need some better friends. Real friends lift each other up. Real friends don't give a monkeys what you drive, how fat you are, how thin you are, what watch you wear, how big your house is or what brands you own. I don't know how you get out of your current social circle and into one which isn't full of capitalist anchors who would drop you the minute they saw a chink in your armour but I think genuine friendship is lacking in your life, and everyone deserves some good friends - you have to be a good friend to them in return mind.

And I've just turned 41 and I feel like I get my life together more and more every year. There's no roadmap or timescales you know, everyone goes through life on their own journey at their own pace.

I genuinely want you to find a genuine level of contentment, truly, that is my reason for posting.

Emmie

DayDreamerandGeneralWaster

Lifestyle change needed- your words- now, we shall al hold you to that 😁