how much do non resident parents pay to their exes?

pickledonionspaceraider

theoretica said:

As well as the expenses paid out for children's living (which always seem to be more than anticipated) being a single parent during the week is likely to have considerable impact on earning potential through time and energy available for work.

That is a hugely valid point.

mason's_mum

pickledonionspaceraider said:

theoretica said:

As well as the expenses paid out for children's living (which always seem to be more than anticipated) being a single parent during the week is likely to have considerable impact on earning potential through time and energy available for work.

That is a hugely valid point.

I agree, they are hard work and require lots of energy when they come for the weekend, but my OH would gladly have them more often - he just isn't allowed to. 

pickledonionspaceraider

mason's_mum said:

theoretica said:

As well as the expenses paid out for children's living (which always seem to be more than anticipated) being a single parent during the week is likely to have considerable impact on earning potential through time and energy available for work.

I think it right out of order that one parent should spend the other's money with out consultation.  But it also seems unfair the child should do without because mother handled the situation so badly.  Is it something dad could buy himself on a weekend with the child with precautions to make sure the right thing is acquired? 

thanks for your thoughtfully considered post theoretica.
yes agreed, she works 3 days a week, part time so is able to pick/up drop at school, although OH has offered to do this one night a week now in exchange for losing time over the weekend (at her request).
I think that this is also one of his frustrations that no matter how hard he works and the more he earns, the maintenance calculated just goes up and up. I agree that the children should benefit from the fathers increased wage, but why should he not get to decide how that extra should benefit the children rather than just handing it over. He feels that he can't be trusted (by the system) to make the right decisions for his children.

Hmmm.  She is likely to only able to work part time, due to childcare responsibilities.  Your OH has the option of earning more, but she does not - as it seems her life is set up around juggling childcare.  Many mothers can only do part time or put their career on hold, for this reason - even if they would like to peruse a career - many are unable to
Must be hard for you walking into this situation and i think you do right by staying neutral - as there is a lot of water under that bridge you dont want to drown in 

Having said all that, it sounds like he is paying a hell of a lot already.   I mean what he pays her already is more than my entire household bills per month................but I think a one off £500 if it will genuinely benefit the child then I would pay it but not if ex had already gone out and brought it and then in retrospect asked for a payment towards- cos then I would feel pressured or that my money had been spent without my consent

Have they been through the courts?  Maybe they should

Mojisola

mason's_mum said:

I agree, they are hard work and require lots of energy when they come for the weekend, but my OH would gladly have them more often - he just isn't allowed to. 

pickledonionspaceraider said:

She is likely to only able to work part time, due to childcare responsibilities.  Your OH has the option of earning more, but she does not - as it seems her life is set up around juggling childcare.  Many mothers can only do part time or put their career on hold, for this reason

Have they been through the courts?  Maybe they should

It sounds like her choice to be the one with the main responsibility for the children.  If she was prepared to let their father help, she could work longer hours.

For me, it would depend on what the extra money is for - but I would also expect to talk about it before the PWC made the decision and then asked for the money.

The children have two parents and it's wrong for one to minimise the time the children spend with the other - although she may be watching the contact hours to make sure the child maintenance isn't reduced

groovy_chick

pickledonionspaceraider said:

Having said all that, it sounds like he is paying a hell of a lot already.   I mean what he pays her already is more than my entire household bills per month...

How can you say this?  You have no idea where in the country they are and how much their mortgage/rent might be.  £850 would not have covered half of the rent and bills while my children were growing up.

mason's_mum

groovy_chick said:

It saddens me greatly when I hear estranged parents talking about their children's needs in terms of who has to pay for what.  When parents are together they don't think twice about their collective income being used to give their children their best life, but after a break-up, children miss out on so much because finances get stretched across two households.  What is more upsetting is that tension and disagreements over paying for children seem to stem from new partners who come along and resent the money that is being 'given' to the ex-wife, as if she is somehow profiting from being a single parent.  In my experience, the resident parent is expected to spend all of their money on housing and providing for their children while the non-resident parent contributes a token amount and has the right somehow to say no to things the children need, with the expectation that the resident parent will just deal with it, or the resulting disappointment, themselves.
If your partner wants their children to have whatever it is and can afford it, then they should pay BECAUSE IT IS FOR THEIR CHILDREN.  
Children are not commodities that should only be paid for in return for spending time with them - access and paying for their needs are two separate subjects and should be dealt with separately.  
I don't blame the ex for being a little hurt and difficult with a new girlfriend being brought on to the scene, she is human after all, especially if you being around has coincided with him challenging her on finances.  At the end of the day, with all respect to you, it's really none of your business.

I don't resent any of the money that he pays for the children. I knew he had children when we met, and I accepted that they would be part of our life. He has paid the money in full, on time, every month for 5 years and will continue to do so - nothing to do with me, but because it's the right thing for the children. I think he is angry however, that he doesn't get consulted ever about what the right thing for the children is - it is assumed she will decide and he just pays for it.
I also said in my original post that I thought he should pay the extra money requested.

mason's_mum

pickledonionspaceraider said:

Must be hard for you walking into this situation and i think you do right by staying neutral - as there is a lot of water under that bridge you dont want to drown in 

Having said all that, it sounds like he is paying a hell of a lot already.   I mean what he pays her already is more than my entire household bills per month................but I think a one off £500 if it will genuinely benefit the child then I would pay it but not if ex had already gone out and brought it and then in retrospect asked for a payment towards- cos then I would feel pressured or that my money had been spent without my consent

Have they been through the courts?  Maybe they should

thanks, I am trying really hard to stay out of it as I appreciate I only have his side of the story as well!
The £500 will definitely benefit the child so I have suggested he pays it - but maybe over a couple of months rather than in a lump sum as who has £500 spare on request?!
He has been through the courts before when sorting out the divorce 5 years ago, but If she continues to withhold access then his only option will be going to court (again)

burlingtonfl6

mason's_mum said:

pickledonionspaceraider said:

Must be hard for you walking into this situation and i think you do right by staying neutral - as there is a lot of water under that bridge you dont want to drown in 

Having said all that, it sounds like he is paying a hell of a lot already.   I mean what he pays her already is more than my entire household bills per month................but I think a one off £500 if it will genuinely benefit the child then I would pay it but not if ex had already gone out and brought it and then in retrospect asked for a payment towards- cos then I would feel pressured or that my money had been spent without my consent

Have they been through the courts?  Maybe they should

thanks, I am trying really hard to stay out of it as I appreciate I only have his side of the story as well!
The £500 will definitely benefit the child so I have suggested he pays it - but maybe over a couple of months rather than in a lump sum as who has £500 spare on request?!
He has been through the courts before when sorting out the divorce 5 years ago, but If she continues to withhold access then his only option will be going to court (again)

Anyone who withholds access to a child with no grounds isn't fit to be a parent.

mason's_mum

burlingtonfl6 said:

mason's_mum said:

He has been through the courts before when sorting out the divorce 5 years ago, but If she continues to withhold access then his only option will be going to court (again)

Anyone who withholds access to a child with no grounds isn't fit to be a parent.

maybe withhold was too strong a word, he is still seeing the children regularly, and having them overnight but whereas it used to be Friday and Saturday he's now not picking them up until Saturday lunchtime. She claims they want to spend fewer nights with him. He is convinced they have been led down this route of conversation in a non-neutral way.

pickledonionspaceraider

mason's_mum said:

pickledonionspaceraider said:

Must be hard for you walking into this situation and i think you do right by staying neutral - as there is a lot of water under that bridge you dont want to drown in 

Having said all that, it sounds like he is paying a hell of a lot already.   I mean what he pays her already is more than my entire household bills per month................but I think a one off £500 if it will genuinely benefit the child then I would pay it but not if ex had already gone out and brought it and then in retrospect asked for a payment towards- cos then I would feel pressured or that my money had been spent without my consent

Have they been through the courts?  Maybe they should

thanks, I am trying really hard to stay out of it as I appreciate I only have his side of the story as well!
The £500 will definitely benefit the child so I have suggested he pays it - but maybe over a couple of months rather than in a lump sum as who has £500 spare on request?!
He has been through the courts before when sorting out the divorce 5 years ago, but If she continues to withhold access then his only option will be going to court (again)

Oh gosh it really does all sound a pickle.  
You clearly seem to want the best and you do not come across as you resent the situation, or the money - as much as other posters would like to project this image. Your situation is entirely different to someone else's.