how much do non resident parents pay to their exes?

mason's_mum

My OH pays his ex the required amount for their 2 children, calculated using the CMS calculators, but she has recently asked for more to pay for certain items. He feels this is unfair as he feels he already pays her a lot of money, in his view much more than it costs for 50% of the feeding/clothing/housing/activity etc costs of the children. (he has an agreement that he has them overnight every other weekend and pays for all activities etc when he has them, although she is being a little awkward about access now we're together)
I don't have any children myself so don't know how much these costs are in reality and would appreciate some idea of whether he's already paying a lot, or not nearly enough towards them, so I can either sympathise or tell him that it's fair!
I appreciate this is quite a personal ask so understand if it's not possible to give numbers, but any ideas/discussions welcome!

ZaSa1418

What extra is she asking for?  towards something specific or just extra? Has this only come about because you are together or has she always asked for extra? 
How expensive kids are is like asking how long is a piece of string. 

mason's_mum

it is £500 for something specific that will benefit the child (don't want to say too much as it would be clearly identifiable) and for me it's a no brainer that he just pays it - however he feels he is being emotionally blackmailed and not consulted or included in any decisions about whether it's appropriate or not, just told to pay up. (same for any decisions about the children in general)
She has been more difficult about access since she's known about us but that also coincided with lockdown so she's been saying that's the reason - who knows what the truth is.

ZaSa1418

So she wants an extra £500 as a one off? is this for both children or just one? Assume if just one then she will want another payment of the same in however many years. 
Without knowing what it is its hard to comment but unless it is something major that the child needs rather than wants then he is more than reasonable to say no. 
As lockdown has eased has contact gone back to normal? 

mason's_mum

ZaSa1418 said:

So she wants an extra £500 as a one off? is this for both children or just one? Assume if just one then she will want another payment of the same in however many years. 

it's for one child but other child is unlikely to need it as well.

ZaSa1418 said:

As lockdown has eased has contact gone back to normal? 

not really, she claims the kids want to keep the reduced contact arrangement, but that's by the bye here.
The main issue is that he thinks he is paying for more than 50% of the cost of the kids + extra when they are with him, and that she should be able to take any extras out of what he already pays - I know kids are expensive but have no idea how much they actually cost over and above any living expenses you'd have to pay for yourself anyway, but I know some single mums who get about £10 a week from their exes (if they are lucky and remember to pay it) so I wondered what was the range of "normal".

ZaSa1418

We get £7 a week off the non resident parent, they are on benefits but work cash in hand. 
I think it depends if it is a necessity, can it be bought cheaper? Can he pay this extra direct to where the payment needs to be made rather than to his ex? (hope that makes sense, hard to suggest without knowing what it is) 
He is well within his rights to pay what the CMS say he is liable for and not pay any extras. 
How old are the children? She might get an increase through the CMS if the contact is less than it was anyway.

We have children and they are as expensive as you make them tbh. Clothes can be cheap or expensive, extra activities are good but you can do that through school rather than paying for extra clubs etc. 

pickledonionspaceraider

How much does he actually pay @ Masons Mum?  You ask how much other pple are giving to their children, but neglect to say your partners financial circumstances
apologies I find your user name confusing when you say you don't have children yourself. 
I think he needs to get this straight in his head in terms of the wording 'He is paying her the money' - and apologies but I have to call this out, as he is not paying her anything/doing her any favours.  In fact he is paying for his children. It costs a fortune even just for basic necessary items

theoretica

As well as the expenses paid out for children's living (which always seem to be more than anticipated) being a single parent during the week is likely to have considerable impact on earning potential through time and energy available for work.

I think it right out of order that one parent should spend the other's money with out consultation.  But it also seems unfair the child should do without because mother handled the situation so badly.  Is it something dad could buy himself on a weekend with the child with precautions to make sure the right thing is acquired? 

mason's_mum

pickledonionspaceraider said:

How much does he actually pay @ Masons Mum?  You ask how much other pple are giving to their children, but neglect to say your partners financial circumstances
apologies I find your user name confusing when you say you don't have children yourself. 
I think he needs to get this straight in his head in terms of the wording 'He is paying her the money' - and apologies but I have to call this out, as he is not paying her anything/doing her any favours.  In fact he is paying for his children. It costs a fortune even just for basic necessary items

Hi pickledonionspaceraider (love the username!) btw I set my username up many moons ago when I was younger and more immature and had pets I referred to as my babies (sad, I know, but I can't be bothered to change it!)
I deliberately didn't add how much he pays to the post, but it's about £850 a month.
I think your point about him paying her is what I was trying to get my head around too - he believes he is contributing far more than just paying for his children - so he knows that he is paying for heating/food/uniform/after school clubs/activities/all the extras that they need, but he can't believe that it can possibly come to £1700 a month - assuming he is paying half.
I'm trying to remain neutral in all this as it's really none of my business.

groovy_chick

It saddens me greatly when I hear estranged parents talking about their children's needs in terms of who has to pay for what.  When parents are together they don't think twice about their collective income being used to give their children their best life, but after a break-up, children miss out on so much because finances get stretched across two households.  What is more upsetting is that tension and disagreements over paying for children seem to stem from new partners who come along and resent the money that is being 'given' to the ex-wife, as if she is somehow profiting from being a single parent.  In my experience, the resident parent is expected to spend all of their money on housing and providing for their children while the non-resident parent contributes a token amount and has the right somehow to say no to things the children need, with the expectation that the resident parent will just deal with it, or the resulting disappointment, themselves.
If your partner wants their children to have whatever it is and can afford it, then they should pay BECAUSE IT IS FOR THEIR CHILDREN.  
Children are not commodities that should only be paid for in return for spending time with them - access and paying for their needs are two separate subjects and should be dealt with separately.  
I don't blame the ex for being a little hurt and difficult with a new girlfriend being brought on to the scene, she is human after all, especially if you being around has coincided with him challenging her on finances.  At the end of the day, with all respect to you, it's really none of your business.

mason's_mum

theoretica said:

As well as the expenses paid out for children's living (which always seem to be more than anticipated) being a single parent during the week is likely to have considerable impact on earning potential through time and energy available for work.

I think it right out of order that one parent should spend the other's money with out consultation.  But it also seems unfair the child should do without because mother handled the situation so badly.  Is it something dad could buy himself on a weekend with the child with precautions to make sure the right thing is acquired? 

thanks for your thoughtfully considered post theoretica.
yes agreed, she works 3 days a week, part time so is able to pick/up drop at school, although OH has offered to do this one night a week now in exchange for losing time over the weekend (at her request).
I think that this is also one of his frustrations that no matter how hard he works and the more he earns, the maintenance calculated just goes up and up. I agree that the children should benefit from the fathers increased wage, but why should he not get to decide how that extra should benefit the children rather than just handing it over. He feels that he can't be trusted (by the system) to make the right decisions for his children.