Husband job with depression

Clouds88

Hello,

I have posted about my husband before and we are still together! I'll keep the background info short but : previous gambling addiction, poor with money, depression and anxiety for a few years on medication and had private therapy.

Currently: No gambling for 9 months, weaned himself off of one medication and remains on the other. Still suffering anxiety and depression but has not been at work for last 6 months. I give him an allowance and spend allocated money on clothes so he doesnt have any money responsibility now.

So, my dilemma is: When he starts work he tends to get more irritated/angry and feels like things get on top of him. When he isnt working, he doesnt do too much like a housewife would. he will do the food shopping, cooking and plays with the girls when I need sleep post night shift but theres  no self motivation to do anything else.

He has just started this week a new job that I had no I put in finding, hes done it all himself and it will be 3 12 hour shifts, but I can already feel the old behaviours returning and I'm starting to wonder if its worth it?! 

I work part time (but good ish wage) and I dont want to work full time as I like to do majority of things for the kids and around d the house. I earn approx £1750 a month and then we get child benefit and when my
Husband isnt working, approx £600 UC.
Our outgoings of food, petrol (we only have one car) and Bill's rent ect takes up my whole wage so we have the benefits left over that I then use for school uniform/car repairs or save. 

I do want to save for my own house and own one day and I feel like if he doesnt work I'll never reach my goal. Hes not bothered about this and has no goals, I suppose due to the depression.

Sorry about all the ramblings. I am just curious in my shoes what would you do if he gives up this next job? Just let him stay off? Try and encourage him to get a new job/part time maybe. I just feel stuck in this rut of constant new jobs/worsening depression/back to unemployed. My girls are 4 and 10 and is is useful when hes not at work not having to worry about child care or school runs. Youngest is starting school next week and I work 2 nights a week split.

Socajam

Don't think you will like my suggestion, but here goes: I know you don't want to work full time, but you are stuck between a "need" and a "want".
How much do you want your own place - because that will determine whether you work full time for it or not.
If your husband can do most of the household, let him deal with that and you concentrate on getting that house.
Your children are 4 and 10 - the 4 year is old enough to clean up their own toys, even pick out their night clothes
When I was 10 years old, I had to wash dishes, vacuum and tidy up - nothing wrong with your 10 year old doing that to help out.
This is your goal and only you can determine how much you want it.  It is going to be easy, probably not, but think 3 - 5 years from now and you have that house, how you would feel.

Carrot007

Clouds88 said:

weaned himself off of one medication and remains on the other. Still suffering anxiety and depression but has not been at work for last 6 months.

When he starts work he tends to get more irritated/angry and feels like things get on top of him. When he isnt working, he doesnt do too much like a housewife would. he will do the food shopping, cooking and plays with the girls when I need sleep post night shift but theres  no self motivation to do anything else.

He has just started this week a new job that I had no I put in finding, hes done it all himself and it will be 3 12 hour shifts, but I can already feel the old behaviours returning and I'm starting to wonder if its worth it?!

If it depression / anxiety medication he is weaning off then it makes no sense. Even if you take that they are only marginal above placebo (placebos work for the record), then attempting to come off them shows he still needs much more help.

If he getting counciling? Lots around and a lot is free. Maybe others you can pay for exists and cven help with anything. Or course again if he would not accept something like that he is never going to change until he does.

Sounds like work is the worst idea for him at the moment, as it will just be another blemish on his record when he fails.

newlywed

My husband finds taking daily vitamin D spray helps his irritability. Took him a while to admit it helped though, but I could tell everytime it ran out. 

He is self employed and won’t take medication for his depression. I have resigned myself to us budgeting and living off my wages and then anything he earns is a bonus. We are content renting though.

It removes a chunk of the arguments and a load of the pressure from him. 

Clouds88

Thanks for the input. The only problem with me working full time too is that It means that we will lose all the UC and I will keep 0.37p for every £1 I earn plus I'll do more travelling and have to do days (lucky to get my two nights as it is) which is lower money. And I'll have more chance of getting struck off the more I am at work haha (that ones a joke but true) so not sure it will be worth the stress. In my brain it seems better if it was my husband earning as he would be earning potentially way more than the £600?

I will get some vit D supplements it's worth a try  

In regards to his medicines hes been on Velafaxin and mertazapine for well over  a year (tried others prior to this) and he feels they arent working and doesnt like the zombie feeling of the mertazapine so hes gone off that one and stayed on venlafaxin. Hes on the waiting list for CBT and no other therapy atm due to lockdown but hes doing better than say 4 months ago.

We also are getting a puppy in 2 weeks, I thought this would be a good idea for my husband and help in getting his exercise and it's a lab/golden retriever so it should be beneficial to the family. I have managed to save for that and still have £2000 in savings so maybe I should just keep going as we are and let him stay off work for a few more years. 

I do appreciate your thoughts, thanks again.

Retireby40

Have you tried to encourage your husband to do exercise? Early in the mornings a couple of days a week works like medicine. Obviously it's hard to get someone up and at it when motivation is low but I swear it works. A half an hour run can most certainly improve someones mood. Is there a crossfit or running club around your local area. If he can integrate with new people and overcome some challenges like 5/10km especially in a community environment it may improve his self worth.

In terms of gambling you do need to give him some money. Maybe £20-30 a week. So he has to make choices. Why? Because a heroine addict has no problems if they cant get heroine. An alcoholic has no relapses if they cant get alcohol. And a gambler literally cant gamble if they have no money. So while that is certainly a good thing short term, it is more forced upon them than them actively wanting to quit and little by little they need to able to handle money and make conscious choices.

The depression and anxiety probably has stemmed from the gambling too. No money, reckless behaviours, lying, stealing, borrowing, debt. It's a recipe for low self-esteem and low self worth leading to low motivation.

In regards to the job let him try it. He is too young to down tools and become a hermit in the house. He also has to step up as a father and it isnt fair you taking on extra responsibilities while he isnt exploring every option to not only help himself but his family.
Because before you know it the girls will be teenagers who need less looking after and you will be stuck with a husband who literally has nothing to do and no motivation to do it.
Good luck.

Sandtree

Clouds88 said:

Thanks for the input. The only problem with me working full time too is that It means that we will lose all the UC and I will keep 0.37p for every £1 I earn

Sounds like you are aiming to be the poster child for the thatcherite anti-benefit  propaganda.

Home ownership for many is years of savings, having two jobs not just one part time one and lots of other sacrifices. You say you earn good money so an extra 37p per pound per hour is not going to be an inconsequential amount.  Maybe you like the idea of home ownership more than actually wanting to do what it takes to get there. 

From what you say, your husband has a medical condition and working is exacerbating it but you are expecting him to do this new full time job whilst you continue on part time.

-taff

Do you love him? Do you want to sty with him? Because if you do you'd better have a chat with him and work out what compormises you're both prepared to make to get the things you want, either singly or together.

Socajam

Retireby40 - I agree 100% about exercise, it's my life saver.
Last week I was at my wits ends, thought about throwing myself out the window (we live in a house).  What with working from home and not being out, I could feel the walls closing in on me.  I decided that I had to do something , otherwise I would go mad - since then I have got up and walked every day - rain or shine.
My moods have switched 180 degrees and I feel so much better and sleep like a log.
I now walk every evening as I find that it fits my work schedule better and as early morning leaves me feeling too tired during the day.  I have been walking between 5 - 7 miles mostly uphills and have noticed a difference in my waist line.
Come the fall, my plan is to start C25K and go from there. Even in Winter I plan to wrap up warm and get outside for at least one hour.

Fireflyaway

I can identify with some of what you have said. My husband has been on medication for depression for about 10 years. He has managed to hold down a responsible well paid job because it keeps his mind busy and stops the negative thoughts. However he is always exhausted and sometimes sleeps practically all weekend. There is so much family time that we have missed out on and our child has at times felt that daddy doesn't care or want to spend time together. 
I think it's important to know your husband's triggers. If working long hours is going to severely compromise his quality of life and hence yours and the kids, id say it's not worth it.  I'm sure you know that mental illness is not a weakness and expecting a mentally ill person to behave in the way a well person would isn't fair. You  ( generic you, not actually you!) wouldn't expect a person with chronic debilitating back pain to work in a job that required heavy lifting. So maybe suggest that your husband works part time of in a field he enjoys. I'm autistic and find work pretty stressful. I work part time but my job is low stress and quite enjoyable. It doesn't pay well but the trade off is worth it. 
Re the medicine, definitely book a medicine review. My husband once had something that made him so sleepy he was like a zombie, mumbling and couldn't even swallow properly. Nobody can function like that. The doctor switched him to something else and he improved. 
Also make sure to look after yourself. Living with a depressed person is tiring and frustrating and upsetting all at the same time! Also random but does your husband drink diet fizzy drinks by any chance? I did some research and found that aspartame is a depressent. My husband cut back and drank more water and it definitely helped. 

Retireby40

Socajam said:

Retireby40 - I agree 100% about exercise, it's my life saver.
Last week I was at my wits ends, thought about throwing myself out the window (we live in a house).  What with working from home and not being out, I could feel the walls closing in on me.  I decided that I had to do something , otherwise I would go mad - since then I have got up and walked every day - rain or shine.
My moods have switched 180 degrees and I feel so much better and sleep like a log.
I now walk every evening as I find that it fits my work schedule better and as early morning leaves me feeling too tired during the day.  I have been walking between 5 - 7 miles mostly uphills and have noticed a difference in my waist line.
Come the fall, my plan is to start C25K and go from there. Even in Winter I plan to wrap up warm and get outside for at least one hour.

Good work keep it up. Whether it be early morning or evening whatever you can maintain do it. Winter can be difficult but if theres an area that's relatively built up and with good lighting stick a bright jacket on and hit the road. Again keep the good work up. It's an activity that you will literally not regret.