Seeking a simpler, less frantic and much slower way of life.

GreyQueen

Sometimes, oftentimes, a person’s life is complicated by outside forces. The demands of family, particularly if family members are poorly, or in distress due to life circumstances, lead to distress and overwhelm. At other times, one’s own personal health is the cause of distress. For some people, finances are so straightened that they are raiding dwindling savings to fund everyday expenditures, and are terrified of running out of money before they run out of lifespan.

i have encountered others who appear to have blessed lifestyles, with their children successfully reared, their other family responsibilities honourably discharged, their health good and their hard-earned comforts pleasantly enfolding their homes. Some have more than an elegant sufficiency of everything, and yet are still driven frantic by forces which seem to be beyond their control.

I’ve pondered this at length, read philosophy, tinkered with minimalism, talked to lots of people, and listened to many more. This thoughtfulness, among many other things, is arguably my life’s work. My tentative conclusion, after several decades, is that extreme busyness is pretty much always a self-distraction from uncomfortable emotions.

If the emotions can be gently faced, and given voice and the cleansing sunlight of reason, a person can progress to a happier mental space. Then, simplicity and calm follows inevitably, and frantic behaviour lessens and may even disappear.

This deep thoughtful work isn’t easy or comfortable a lot of the time. I know have my own shadow side, the things I would rather not own as part of me. I do feel that one can take inspiration from simple living, from old style blogs etc, but that a simple life isn’t something you can copy or buy, it’s something you nurture within, through patient examination of one’s motives, honesty about one’s aspirations, and the removal of those customs and practices which no longer serve one’s life goals.

But hey, I’m just this baby human in her sixth decade, and still working on my philosophy, so I could well be talking twaddle......... 🌻

JollyLady

boazu said:

Life sometimes seems to run away with us, we seem to always be watching what's happening here in the UK and in the rest of the world sitting on a cliff edge, 24 hour news coverage makes everything seem more frantic and repeat showing over and over of the same disaster clip magnifies  the feeling of being not in charge of our own lives.  I'd love to find a way of stepping back from all the modern media pressure and find a simpler, slower less commercial way of living without cutting us off from the reality of life in the covid pandemic.  I'd like to find a slower, gentler and more contented way of life for the years we have left.  Suggestions for changes to help us achieve this would be very much appreciated.

I'd like to have more people with your mindset around me. I will be watching this thread with interest, wanting to do the same

greenbee

GQ - that's very well expressed. I mentioned earlier that I try to be the 'least busy' person around, battling against the cult of busy-ness as validation of importance. I'm lucky that my job involves listening to people, which takes time. And I have no issue, when asked what I've being doing, in replying that I've been lying in the garden reading, or spent 2 hours in the bath with a book, or was lying on the grass watching ladybirds, or on the sofa reading childrens' books. You don't have to always be doing - but as you say, it takes time to understand that and go against the tide, and also self-acceptance. Self-knowledge, as you say, isn't always comfortable, but accepting your flaws and the things you might not like about yourself (or even really want to admit to yourself) does take the pressure off. 

People spend a lot of time and money looking for answers - mindfulness, meditation, retreats, religion, therapy - but as any ethical therapist will tell you, the answers are within. No one else can provide them. Years ago, I read a book by Anthony De Mello called 'Awareness' that helped me understand that trying to please others was always going to make me unhappy, and that would in turn make the people who loved me unhappy. Sometimes the least selfish thing to do is the one that seems most selfish.

I'm about to change jobs, going back to working for my favourite ex-boss. He's also possibly the most annoying But we work well together, because we both acknowledge our own flaws and shortcomings. We know we annoy each other - because we are so similar, so see our own flaws reflected in each other. It's uncomfortable for both of us, and we don't always find it easy. But we make an extremely successful team, and we both learned a lot and grew emotionally (and dare I say it spiritually?) from working together. So when he asked me to go and work for him again, because he needs me in order to be able to do the best he can, I jumped at the chance - because I do better when I'm being annoyed by him too It's working out this kind of thing that helps me to make my life less stressful, slower, more deliberate,  more thoughtful. I refuse to rush, or panic, and try very hard not to let myself get stressed. If I do, I have strategies for dealing with it - including, in the case of work, a running away fund so that I don't HAVE to work somewhere that makes me unhappy. 

I can't fix all the things I don't like about myself, but I can learn to accept them and live with them. After all, if I was perfect, imagine how annoying THAT would be!

VJsmum

I do understand Generalised Anxiety  - nothing as such to be anxious about but just being anxious.  Maybe you could work on that a little?  Either with your daughter GP or your own GP.  For example, it really isn't necessary to quarantine a newspaper for three days - the virus, even should it be on the paper, wouldn't live on it for that long - a couple of hours would do?  There's lots of knowledge about transmission now - the three C's thing for one (closed spaces, crowded spaces, close contact setting) where high transmission occurs.  I believe your GP DD said to stay isolated but i am sure that, if you spoke to her about eliminating very low risk, she could help to free you up a bit?  Especially if you share how you are feeling.

Could you reduce by an allotment next year?  Or grow flowers on one, or in the garden?  

If books are an issue could you invest in a kindle?  or ask your DD's to pick up selections from chazzers.  I often ask for that as a birthday pressie - if they only cost a pound or two doesn't matter if i don't like them, particularly as it's a donation.

I understand the need for food security - i grew up quite poor (though never hungry) and hate to not have reserves.  But maybe you could sell your surplus?  In a village near us a lady has a sales box where she puts cakes, jam, chutney and marmalade with an honesty jar to collect the money.  In fact, it's so nice i make a point of cycling past even if i hadn't planned to - pick up a bit of flapjack or tiffin for my mid-cycle break.  She is a retired lady just keeping busy and making a little pin money.

I guess you must be missing your charity shop work, could you not meet up with one or two of the other assistants for a garden coffee?  Even if it's bring your own?

Just a few suggestions 

[Deleted User]

Much food for thought and all your different takes on it are useful.  I shall ponder awhile and decide what changes I'm going to make but I'm pretty much convinced that no great degree of peace will be achievable until there is some sort of answer, treatment, vaccine or general strategy to the greater problem in everyones lives that is covid.  No matter what we mere mortals make our goal it all depends in the end on how long the virus is going to be the limiting factor in our lives. Thanks again for all the input.

Emptynester

What a thoughtful thread, thank you for starting it Boazu.  Along with many/most people I'm finding life very different at the moment.  I'm working hard at accepting what I can't change (the pandemic and all of the restrictions) and at the same time looking for what I can do to enrich the life I have.  So far this has seen me working hard at not being upset by and being more accepting of the behaviour of people; family, friends, folk in the street and on the couple of forums I follow.  Might not sound much but it is for me.  I've got plenty of time now to try hard not to react straight away but to step back and ponder on things.

I won't be having a holiday in the foreseeable future but once the kiddies have gone back to school I hope to get out and about a lot more in my the beautiful county I live in.  Meantime I'm enjoying my garden flowers and those I see on my daily walks (and looking for ideas to pinch for my garden).

I understand your comments about being manic preserving lots of produce.  I have had a habit of taking on too much and turning leisure activities into chores.  As much as you like preserving I wonder if you might ask your DH to consider growing less next year so that your role remains a pleasure rather than turning into a stressful chore. 

As for this years gluts I would recommend giving away what you don't need.  Where I live it's commom practice to leave excess produce by the garden gate with a help yourself sign.  If you live some where there are no passersby, it's easy enough to take a box of produce and leave it where there is a lot of footfall.  Perhaps outisde the library?  It would help others and be a weight off your mind.
I like your idea of open air coffee and I hope the readers of this thread can come up with more safe, legal ideas to help us all broaden our locked down lives.

needmoney

Emptynester said

I understand your comments about being manic preserving lots of produce.  I have had a habit of taking on too much and turning leisure activities into chores.  As much as you like preserving I wonder if you might ask your DH to consider growing less next year so that your role remains a pleasure rather than turning into a stressful chore. 

As for this years gluts I would recommend giving away what you don't need.  Where I live it's commom practice to leave excess produce by the garden gate with a help yourself sign.  If you live some where there are no passersby, it's easy enough to take a box of produce and leave it where there is a lot of footfall.  Perhaps outisde the library?  It would help others and be a weight off your mind.

VJsmum said

Could you reduce by an allotment next year?

These were things i would say too. Could you just be honest wit DH trying not to hurt his feelings but saying enough is enough - we have enough. Maybe give surplus to a food bank or church. As much as you enjoy it you're sounding ovwewhelmed by it all adn if you stop now give yourself a break you have ensured you won't starve. Maybe then you can  concentrate more on little outings like you have planned for tomorrow.

Floss

boazu said:

..... I'm pretty much convinced that no great degree of peace will be achievable until there is some sort of answer, treatment, vaccine or general strategy to the greater problem in everyones lives that is covid.  No matter what we mere mortals make our goal it all depends in the end on how long the virus is going to be the limiting factor in our lives. Thanks again for all the input.

But its not going to go away just yet.

We all have to get used to this new normal. For me as I live alone and have no significant other, this means living a solitary life without day to day interaction with my colleagues. To have not seen my eldest son since before lockdown. To have to wear a mask for 9 hours when I go into my workplace one day a week. To not attend the funeral of my best friend's mum on Tuesday.

Life is not going to be back to what it was before March for a long time. If it is ever the same.

greenbee

Floss said:

boazu said:

..... I'm pretty much convinced that no great degree of peace will be achievable until there is some sort of answer, treatment, vaccine or general strategy to the greater problem in everyones lives that is covid.  No matter what we mere mortals make our goal it all depends in the end on how long the virus is going to be the limiting factor in our lives. Thanks again for all the input.

But its not going to go away just yet.

We all have to get used to this new normal. For me this means living a solitary life without day to day interaction with my colleagues. To have not seen my eldest son since before lockdown. To have to wear a mask for 9 hours when I go into my workplace one day a week. To not attend the funeral of my best friend's mum on Tuesday.

Life is not going to be back to what it was before March for a long time. If it is ever the same.

You're right Floss - it isn't going to go back to what it was, probably ever. And while there are a lot of challenges, we have opportunities to change things. We've already seen massive improvements in working practices in some organisations, businesses innovating to adapt to rapidly changing needs, barriers to adoption for new technologies and ways of working. Some of these are here to stay. I'm certainly hoping that business travel will reduce significantly and there will be more virtual collaboration. It'll be tough while things change - empty offices, empty shops etc until we work out how to use the space and maybe return to mixed live/work/leisure environments.

There are opportunities for change in education to make it more flexible and more relevant. There are opportunities to create new industries (I posted something about recycling in Australia earlier today on another thread). There are so many possibilities if we focus on the positives. 

Nargleblast

There are vaccine trials taking place now, using a number of different versions of a vaccine. It will be a long time, if ever, before a standard vaccine is decided upon and a widespread vaccination programme commenced. Then there will still be the Covid deniers who will refuse to get vaccinated. It is pointless pinning all our hopes on future possibilities, we can't do anything about those but we can change our present lives.

As others on this thread have said, the key to finding peace and simplicity in your life lies within you, not in the hands of others. To simplify our lives we look at everything we possess and everything we do with a critical eye. Do our possessions and our daily routines serve our needs as they used to? Or have our needs changed as we got older and the family moved out? No use having a wardrobe full of clothes if you only wear one third of them. Growing your own fruit and veg is a great idea, but running two allotments and a veg garden that involve so much work and produce far more crops than you can get through only adds to the stress and pressure in your life. If you look at what you do and why you do it, you can cut back and simplify things, leaving room for more of the simple pleasures in life. You can still make jams and chutneys, but in sensible and useable quantities, and you can do that on the cooler, showery summer days rather than feeling obliged to be shut in a hot kitchen with pans boiling away when the temperature outside is nearly 30 degrees. When we look at some of the things we do with a neutral eye we can see where changes can be made that will bring about a more pleasant, less complicated existence. 

This is a good topical thread which will interest many.