My life is in tatters. I'm in £50k debt. Help!

IrishSean

I'm struggling to find justification on OP's OH's reactions.
It must be taken as a given looking that SOA that he indeed 'benefited' from the spending and ensuing debt.

If DMinL is a FA why was there no suggestion they sit down together to work out repayment? I find the division of household expenditure as well as the husbands reaction troubling; he owns the house but doubled down saying he'd leave if it happened again?!

As opposed to "I am here to support you, lets be transparent, even to the point of sharing credit file info with each other so there's no hidden debts or cards. We'll tackle this as a family..."?

FWIW it reads like OP's husband is already on a hefty wage, benefiting from a lifestyle paid for, in part, by a spouse spinning countless plates while coping with a mental illness.

I've had the guilt, the repeat mistakes, but I also recognise the abdication of responsibility in a marriage where 1 person lays the 'money management' on another.

Take the good advice offered here OP, if you can avoid muddying debt with other family, including your dad that is better. 

But do look at all of your circumstances and recognise where you may have been or are being treated unfairly by family. You'll come through it but need to find your voice & recognise that as a new parent you may need to say "pummeling my self esteem won't do me or my children any good".

It's only money; it'll get repaid. Making a mistake doesn't make you a 'bad person for life'.

GL
💪💪💪

LordSomebody

I don’t generally post on this part of the forum, but just had to add for OP that I hope she is getting help and support from somewhere. I get your husband’s shock and upset, but that doesn’t excuse making threats and ultimatums which (even if not meant) are extremely harmful and unsupportive towards you. The chap needs to grow up a little.

... and I’m male.

JayRitchie

I agree entirely with @IrishSean 's post. 
Please don't do anything in too much of a rush. What line of work are you in? I think you should at least consider different insolvency solutions given the (young) age of your children.

zcrat41

Firstly I think you've been through really tough and dark times, well done for emerging  

secondly,  Well done for even contemplating a business with a 1yo a 3yo and a pandemic. However you have to set up a business account. Like tonight. And separated it out. You're potentially spending money you don't even make. 

Thirdly listen to Dave Ramsey. 

Just out of interest what does your dh earn? 

BabyStepper

Wow, there's been a lot of strong responses here since I last visited, great stuff. OP, you've had some good advice and I just want to second a few points that have already been made. 

As mentioned, without a joint SOA you have little chance of addressing this yourself. £50k of debt on your wage makes debt management arrangements probably a better idea. You can find out about these online without committing to anything. Come on here and ask any questions, there are loads of well informed people around, take the help, it's given freely. 

As has also been said several times now, you really need to seperate your business finances from your personal ones. It's not actually clear whether or not you know if your business is solvent, how much it made last year, or how much of your debt is because of the business. We can't be sure how much you make or if your soa works without this info. 

Given all the missing pieces about the full family finances and your business, there's not much more we can suggest. 

For the record, I would also have hit the roof if my OH had announced £50k debt I hadn't known about. OP, the issues about secrecy and trust are for you and you OH to sort out and I wish you all the very best with that.  

One last thing:

pdel61 said:

BabyStepper said:

. At 1 and 3, they need their mummy even more than anyone else, including their daddy. 

I agree with everything that has been said except for this one line. Children need a loving parent or parents, and unless you are suggesting that two gay men would be somehow lesser of a parent then "need their mummy" has no place in this.

pdel61 I don't think you need to be quite so sensitive about this point. No one is suggesting gay men can't parent children. All kinds of family arrangements exist in our world including lesbian mums, single parents, kinship carers, adoptive parents, foster parents, and everything else. Lucky us to live in such a rich and diverse world. There is no evidence to suggest children do less well outside of a heterosexual family unit, so that's fine.

The issue of OP's mothering was referred to because 1) OP has recently given birth and experiencing PND that has likely contributed to the debt and 2) when OP's husband found out about the debt he threatened to take the children away which would likely have sent her into a panic and made her less able to focus on the debt problem. It's all relevant. This heterosexual couple seem to be doing the same as millions of other families, one parent (in this case dad) is the breadwinner, has likely spent more time at work and probably makes the bigger wage while one parent (in this case mum) looks after the children and works fewer hours with less responsibility so she can still be available as the children grow up. OP's mothering role here is a vital contribution, not just to the children but to the family as a whole and a little acknowledgement and reassurance about that does not hurt. If you want to chat about any of this further, feel free to pm me. 

Good luck OP, hope you find a way through this. 

warby68

I've had PND but do not support the villification of the husband here.
He does not deserve eternal condemnation for what was said in the heat of the moment after the shock of his life and from which he has quickly moved on. The secrecy, trust and betrayal issues will impact heavily regardless of mitigating illness - OP has been hiding stuff, husband has failed to notice over a 3 year period. £50k is a shattering amount. It will not be resolved in a day but the tentative support and considering of options is a good start. We don't know how and why the couple have such seemingly separate finances and whether OP really did have to adopt an unfair share of them. That would need more information. From what we do know so far, BOTH of them deserve compassion and support and I wish them well working through this.
Take your time OP, make sure you have plenty of advice and the full picture of husband's finances too before deciding what to do. I do agree with everyone else though that borrowing from dad is not the right answer even if it is the easiest in a knee-jerk sort of way.
You need your full family budget, to distinguish between business and personal so as to establish your true sustainable wage after business expenses and go from there. Nothing wrong with taking the quick wins in cost saving either while you work the bigger picture through.
Keep posting OP - there are some brilliant people here who have the answers to a lot of practical, technical and insolvency questions.

ladyholly

If I can stick my two pennorth in. First you need a separate business account as others have said. Secondly I think you need a joint budget. Not necessarily joint finances so that each of you is aware of where money is going. You are each working in the dark as far as I can see so neither of you has much idea of what the cost is of the others bills. (sorry that is aa poor way of saying it but I hope you understand what I mean) and thirdly and probably most important Talk, Talk, Talk, Discuss every purchase and decide if it is a want or a need. Only you as a couple can decide that.

ratrace

warby68 said:

I've had PND but do not support the villification of the husband here.
He does not deserve eternal condemnation for what was said in the heat of the moment after the shock of his life and from which he has quickly moved on. The secrecy, trust and betrayal issues will impact heavily regardless of mitigating illness - OP has been hiding stuff, husband has failed to notice over a 3 year period. £50k is a shattering amount. It will not be resolved in a day but the tentative support and considering of options is a good start. We don't know how and why the couple have such seemingly separate finances and whether OP really did have to adopt an unfair share of them. That would need more information. From what we do know so far, BOTH of them deserve compassion and support and I wish them well working through this.
Take your time OP, make sure you have plenty of advice and the full picture of husband's finances too before deciding what to do. I do agree with everyone else though that borrowing from dad is not the right answer even if it is the easiest in a knee-jerk sort of way.
You need your full family budget, to distinguish between business and personal so as to establish your true sustainable wage after business expenses and go from there. Nothing wrong with taking the quick wins in cost saving either while you work the bigger picture through.
Keep posting OP - there are some brilliant people here who have the answers to a lot of practical, technical and insolvency questions.

This is the big problem with fourms people make a judgment based on what they have been told by the op, without hearing the the the other sides story, and text is a funny thing people read into it and get the wrong end of the stick, some may be also adding the own emotion based upon thier own personal experience, There no denying that the op was going through a mentally tough time and PND is real i know a few people that have gone through it my sister included, from my prescriptive i have said things in the heat of the moment that i dont mean from my heart as the other person had done wrong to me, waking up the next day and finding out that we have £50k worth of debt that i didnt know about would definitely have a huge affect on me and and anybody that says it wouldnt is just fooling themselves. we can go on and on about this but there is no real point we people we have to accept that no all of us will agree on things and we all have our own opinions and perspectives and thats fine thats real life.

Moving on, Op if you both want to be together and see a future long term then this need to be tackled as a couple and as a family unit and work together, There a few solutions out there and you will need to talk the experts such as step change etc... and maybe look into a dmp plan so at the very least the interest can be frozen, this is going to a long hard road it took time to build up and its going to take time to get out, but the key is to work this out as a couple, You did say how do you stop doing this again if that is a real issue, then you will have to come up with a solution such as an allowance that your are given every week to use as you will and once its gone its gone etc.... a mate of mine gambled quite a lot of money away and also took loans out on the house without his mrs knowing, cut a long story short he is hopeless with money but she stayed with him providing he goes on an allowance and she deals with all the other bills etc... his wage get paid into a joint account and she take a ammount out every week and thats his lot, hes not allowed to take out and loans credit cards etc... and if he does then she going to leave him and take the kids sound a bit much but what he failed to understand is that by his gambling he was putting not only his but his kids and mrs life in a postion where they all could have ended up on the steets, despite all his faults he is a great dad and is a grafter but just not good with money. Sorry to go off topic a little the point im trying to make is you have to work plan that works for you. all the best

IrishSean

Agreed; there's missing info in the SOA in terms of household expenses & husband's salary.
@ratrace makes a fundamental point; either OP is sorting debt herself or will be supported by spouse & they sort it together. Any talk of DMPs or the like are prob premature until that is decided by them as a couple.

I stand over my concerns about OP's spouse; seeking advice from his mother, it would appear, to the exclusion of his wife, pursuing financial disassociation, threatening to take kids away' then calming down & suggesting he'd leave should OP what? Fail to meet a payment? Avail of a 0% offer?, affect his credit rating?
In short, how did £50k occur on OP's salary? Could OP rack up even 10% of debt like that again post Covid? Seems unlikely.

I fully understand husband's shock, hurt, dismay (his wife was ill) ; that aside for better or worse any benefit he had from debt in terms of household or baby spend means there's at least some obligation on him being supportive. And what if he has £50k in savings & a salary of £100k a year? 

Would be good to hear from OP again; I hope she receives the real life support from friends, family, debt management charities & GP she needs.

ditty1234

Hi @bubbles82 You have done the right thing by coming on to this forum there is lots of practical and emotional support. Sounds like you are very ambitious and independent and taking on a lot of things at the same time. Going forwards make sure you snare your budget as a family so you don't end up paying for all of the day today stuff! And give yourself a small allowance as well. I am allowed £20 for clothes and £20 for entertainment based on my DMP budget. 
Read the DMP support thread it might work for you! Dont rush into any legal arrangements like an IVA or bankruptcy.