My life is in tatters. I'm in £50k debt. Help!

ohdearhowdidthathappen

Sorry to hear you've been through a tough time.  You and your husband are a team, I always find it confusing when couples keep their finances so separate.  In our family, everything goes in and out of one pot and we manage it all together.  Could you do this moving forward?  A household budget.  This isn't just 'your' debt and although your husband has a right to be angry, he is not right to threaten you, especially as a lot of it seems to have happened when you were ill after having your children (HIS children too) and a certain chunk of the debt will have been spent on family stuff.  
I'm another Dave Ramsey fan, although not particularly strictly.  There are categories in your SOA you can trim, especially phone, TV and spending money.  
Please don't feel so bad, it'll come good, but I'd say you and your husband have to do it together.  Is he earning over £60K, is that why there's no child benefit?  If so, he must be able to help more with paying these debts down.

elsien

On a completely random change of topic, ohdearhowdidthathappen have you changed your username, because if so I think I preferred the older version.

[Deleted User]

I'm a long time lurker. I've just set up an account to reply to you because I couldn't read and run. I am absolutely appalled by your husband. How dare he threaten to take your children from you. Having debt does not make you an unfit mother. Having PND does not make you an unfit mother. I can understand that he is shocked but his reaction is completely out of order, and quite frankly worrying. Same goes for your father to be honest. As a mum of a 5 and 3 year old I can completely emphasise. You need his support at this time. Condemning you is disgusting. 
I'd suggest you don't take the loan from your father. This is just putting a plaster over the problem. You won't learn anything from it. You need to deal with the issues behind your spending as well as the debt. You and your husband need to be joining finances and working through this as a team. Again, his need to have seperate finances worries me.
I can see other people have suggested Dave Ramsey. I'm currently through baby step 2 and I can honestly say, after 2 failed attempts, that it's down to him that I'll be debt free and better off financially. He's helped my mental outlook on money which means I will never get myself back into debt. Be kind to yourself because you have been through a tough time and you are not the monster that people are making you out to be. Your a mum who lost her way. Having babies changes you forever. Most men can't fathom. Good luck. 

[Deleted User]

So, I've just read your update and I'm even more angry for you! He will leave you if you lie to him again?! You were unwell after carrying and giving birth to HIS children! How dare he! You're not a manipulative liar. You were mentally unwell. 

Socajam

SadieO said:

BabyStepper said:

You and your husband will need to go through the debt repayment process together. Hopefully once he's calmed down the threats will stop and he will be some use in this situation. Where did he think the children's clothes/toys/things for the house were coming from? Unless you bought something wildly expensive and hid it (in which case, sell it and pay back a chunk of debt) he has been complicit in this situation by letting his wife, who has 2 new little ones and mental health difficulties, manage the family finances on her own. This is not ok and the situation is his light bulb moment as much as yours.  

You should not feel embarrassed or ashamed about what has happened. Frankly, if anyone should it is your husband. Talking about your children being "safe" from you and threatening to take them away is disgusting. Yes, he may have been in shock but unless you were exceptionally skilled at hiding everything you were going through, he shouldn't have been shocked. You say you didn't tell him about your debt but, as Babystepper says, did he see the things you were buying? Even if you usually work and have a "each keeps their own money" policy, given how little your daughters are I presume you have had at least two periods in the past few years of being away from work - did he not wonder where the money for things was coming from if he wasn't paying for them himself and you were on maternity leave? 

Also, did he realise you were suicidally depressed, taking medication and seeing doctors and therapists? I can't imagine how he couldn't have known this so again, I don't think his "shock" excuses his unsupportive (to say the least) behaviour.  You talk about feeling that you let people down and how to rebuild their trust in you - well I think it is your husband that should be reflecting on how he has let you down by failing to recognise how much you were struggling (even if you successfully managed to hide the debt and all your purchases from him, as your partner and co-parent why wasn't he noticing that you were seriously ill with PND?) and then threatening you when you are clearly (a) incredibly vulnerable and (b) trying to make things better.

I also really dislike the idea of him "disassociating" his finances from yours (is that even possible when you are staying married and have a marital home and two children together??). How do household bills/child expenses etc get paid currently? How does he think they should get paid in the future when he has "disassociated"?

Yes, put it all on the husband.  But if a man had written in the advice would have totally different.
I totally agree with the husband to disassociate himself from the debt.
Should he help to repay him it, of course.  They need to sit down,look at all the outgoings and what is coming it, what is a need and what is a want and tackle the debt. 
But someone in that house have to be creditworthy, especially in this corona virus pandemic we are living in.
If it means living like a pauper over the next couple of years, that is something the OP need to understand, because once the debt is gone, she will have the financial freedom that she is craving right now.  It is gong to be extremely hard for both of them.
I think once the husband cools down, he will sit down with her and work through the debt.
This is a reaction that most people will have - I know for a fact that I will - living with debt in good times is bad, but living with debt in the times we are going through is going to be 100 times worse.

blues

I really wouldn’t borrow the money from your Dad. It isn’t fair on him & will very likely sour your relationship. It’s infantilising for your parent to be paying your debts off when you have a family of your own. You need to deal with the debts yourself.

flipflopflo

Just out of interest is there any equity in the house?

ryanm8655

Haven’t got much to add as you’ve already had some great advice.

The only thing I’d say is I don’t think it’s fair to blame yourself. Not only were you ill but by the sounds of things you’ve had some bad luck with businesses plus COVID making your finances harder to manage.

I’m also not convinced that the way you organise your finances hasn’t compounded the problem. Great that your husband pays for a number of the household expenses but then your debts have been accrued, in part at least, due to additional household expenses like things for your children. Likewise that can lead to issues whereby you end up spending more out of guilt for the other party paying the bulk of the expenses. Personally think that when you have children it makes far more sense to share your finances. You need to be tackling this as a household. Otherwise how do you cut out things like the sky package you can’t afford with your level of debt? Separate finances is going to leave your husband unwilling to compromise on his lifestyle choices that you are paying for.

I’m quite ashamed of your husband’s response, to be honest. 

comeandgo

I think you must have your business income and expenses away from your personal living expenses, you have admitted part of your debt is due to bad business deals.  Also, your accountant fees are astronomical.  Would it be better if you looked at trading as Ltd company then it's easier to close a business if failing and you personally are not left with crippling debts.

[Deleted User]

@Socajam this is not one of those occasions. It's not husband bashing. No one should be made to feel that they are a criminal because they suffered from PND. PND is horrific. Having a baby is supposed to be the best time of your life. Instead those moments are robbed from you buy hideous darkness. Imagine desperately wanting to love and care for your beautiful newborn when you're surrounded by darkness. Men can also suffer from a form of PND, which is also horrific. She needs love and support right now, not threats to remove her children from her care. 
You make a valid point about being credit worthy, however that's not what he said. He said he wanted to split finances so that she couldn't harm her children?! He ran straight to his mother insead of supporting her. He didn't give her a chance to discuss it or make a plan. His mother then advised her to admit her 'dirty little secret' to everyone. It breaks my heart that she has been condemned in such a way. Imagine what that does to someone when they're already low! 
So, no his reaction is not normal at all. His concern about the situation is absolutely normal. Threatening to take someone's children away and demolishing their self esteem is not. 

@flipflopflo please don't suggest they release the equity in the house.