My life is in tatters. I'm in £50k debt. Help!

enthusiasticsaver

I think recognising that PND was a factor in this and this can cloud peoples judgement  is important but the OP does need to earn back the trust of her husband and family so suggesting joint finances at this stage is a mistake.  By her own admission she is not yet sufficiently in charge of her finances to be able to  merge them even were her husband to agree which I do not think he would.  I would not either.
The threatening of taking away her children and throwing her out is unkind and she has said that he regretted this.  I think anyone who is told about that much debt which will affect both of them for many years is entitled to a knee jerk reaction so I think condemnation of the husband is unfair.  His mum was a  FA so he naturally thought she may be able to help.  Lets not gloss over the impact of high debt on the family.  However moving forward the OP should take responsibility of it herself and not involve the father or husband but she is entitled to their support in sorting out the mess. 
You need to separate your business and personal finances OP as comeandgo suggests too.  Work out a sustainable salary, pay business expenses from the business account (and make sure your tax situation is straight as the last thing you need is a tax demand on top of everything else). Cancel the sky sub.  Sort out  where that £200 general spending is going and move the business expenses to your new business account and even consider making it a limited company. 
Please do not suggest using equity in the house to repay this. That would compound the errors made so far. 

pjcox2005

mumtopinkdinosaurs said:

@Socajam this is not one of those occasions. It's not husband bashing. No one should be made to feel that they are a criminal because they suffered from PND. PND is horrific. Having a baby is supposed to be the best time of your life. Instead those moments are robbed from you buy hideous darkness. Imagine desperately wanting to love and care for your beautiful newborn when you're surrounded by darkness. Men can also suffer from a form of PND, which is also horrific. She needs love and support right now, not threats to remove her children from her care. 
You make a valid point about being credit worthy, however that's not what he said. He said he wanted to split finances so that she couldn't harm her children?! He ran straight to his mother insead of supporting her. He didn't give her a chance to discuss it or make a plan. His mother then advised her to admit her 'dirty little secret' to everyone. It breaks my heart that she has been condemned in such a way. Imagine what that does to someone when they're already low! 
So, no his reaction is not normal at all. His concern about the situation is absolutely normal. Threatening to take someone's children away and demolishing their self esteem is not. 

@flipflopflo please don't suggest they release the equity in the house.

With respect I think you're adding additional emotion in which potentially wasn't there to that extent given the OPs follow up comments around the support from her husband and MIL.

Instead I think it would be more constructive to acknowledge PND is a horrible factor and illness (as you have done) and the OP has just seen her finances suffer as a consequence. It's definitely nothing to be ashamed about as it was outside of her control, instead, I think it's really brave and strong behaviour to be able to front up to it, share it with those that care about you and get on with sorting the issue. If you look on the site, Martin Lewis has often campaigned around the link between mental health and debt - take a look and you'll see it's quite common and probably needs to be talked about more openly. It's not your mistake, it's just a consequence of an illness.

OP - I advise to continue to share what support and treatment you're getting for PND here as others may be able to share what helped them and also keep coming back with updates on how you're clearing the debt for moral support. I'm not sure it's been mentioned but I would definitely think about contacting some of the free charities like step change  so you have support on this (similar to the help from MIL but sometimes it's easier talking to a stranger). They'll advise appropriate routes like agreeing payment plans with creditors, freezing interest etc. 

That personally would be my approach rather than taking a loan from your Dad. Removes the burden on that relationship, stops the problem escalating if you have a bad time emotionally again and revert to old behaviour and still have access to debt etc. I can understand the concept of wanting to protect credit ratings, but actually do you need it? You have a mortgage, you don't need new debts etc so what would you be using the credit rating for? It may be you plan on buying a bigger house in the next couple of years, but if not, then I wouldn't be that bothered about it (unless it can impact your profession/business etc) so take that stress out your mind.

Good luck, and be proud to be dealing with it! I expect it may help guide and support your children in future with issues too.

ohdearhowdidthathappen

elsien said:

On a completely random change of topic, ohdearhowdidthathappen have you changed your username, because if so I think I preferred the older version.

Yes, I had to change as someone complained to MSE about the use of profanity in my old one.  Sad times 
I preferred the old one too, much more accurate 

[Deleted User]

@pjcox2005 to be honest I'm shocked that anyone finds his behaviour acceptable. Her update only worried me more. He was completely out of order in every way.
Yes, she absolutely should take responsibility for her actions. I hope that her mental health is well enough for her to do this. It didn't sound like he encouraged her to share the issue with people so that she could receive support. Please, don't assume I'm uneducated on the matter of mental health. 
I won't post again after this so that the OP can receive financial advice without me clogging up her diary. 
OP please receive financial and emotional support from an impartial party as well as from your loved ones. Good luck and be kind to yourself. 

elsien

ohdearhowdidthathappen said:

elsien said:

On a completely random change of topic, ohdearhowdidthathappen have you changed your username, because if so I think I preferred the older version.

Yes, I had to change as someone complained to MSE about the use of profanity in my old one.  Sad times 
I preferred the old one too, much more accurate 

Some people have far too much time on their hands. 

To the OP, I do hope people let the family dynamic issues drop for now because it would be sad if that put you off coming back for support.

People will make suggestions and offer moral support and it's up to you to take from it what you wish. You will get some suggestions you don't agree with; some suggestions will be blunt but will generally come from a good place. Dip in and out as you wish but it is a supportive community as a rule.

enthusiasticsaver

ohdearhowdidthathappen said:

elsien said:

On a completely random change of topic, ohdearhowdidthathappen have you changed your username, because if so I think I preferred the older version.

Yes, I had to change as someone complained to MSE about the use of profanity in my old one.  Sad times 
I preferred the old one too, much more accurate 

Really?  Some people are just far too precious. Did MSE suggest you change it or just alert you to someones objection?  Why on earth would someone pick on a user name of all things to complain about? 

ryanm8655

enthusiasticsaver said:

I think recognising that PND was a factor in this and this can cloud peoples judgement  is important but the OP does need to earn back the trust of her husband and family so suggesting joint finances at this stage is a mistake.  By her own admission she is not yet sufficiently in charge of her finances to be able to  merge them even were her husband to agree which I do not think he would.  I would not either.
The threatening of taking away her children and throwing her out is unkind and she has said that he regretted this.  I think anyone who is told about that much debt which will affect both of them for many years is entitled to a knee jerk reaction so I think condemnation of the husband is unfair.  His mum was a  FA so he naturally thought she may be able to help.  Lets not gloss over the impact of high debt on the family.  However moving forward the OP should take responsibility of it herself and not involve the father or husband but she is entitled to their support in sorting out the mess. 
You need to separate your business and personal finances OP as comeandgo suggests too.  Work out a sustainable salary, pay business expenses from the business account (and make sure your tax situation is straight as the last thing you need is a tax demand on top of everything else). Cancel the sky sub.  Sort out  where that £200 general spending is going and move the business expenses to your new business account and even consider making it a limited company. 
Please do not suggest using equity in the house to repay this. That would compound the errors made so far. 

Agree for the most part.

Though in terms of household expenses, if they’re not in it together then how can she make tough decisions like cancelling sky, when her husband will expect this? Plus at least some of the debt has been accrued on child related expenses, they both need to involved in decision making around those. If she needs a car for running errands with the kids but can’t afford one then it’s reasonable for her husband to be supporting her with that. While I am not married with kids, I don’t see how it can work with independent finances when the proverbial hits the fan. 

Financial disassociation makes sense at the moment as there is no point in muddying his credit too but a lot of decisions that the OP makes in order to clear the debt are going to impact the whole household. So imo they need to be invested in this as a household and plan as a household.

Who buys the kids clothes etc? How is that budgeted? 

I understand the OP is saying her husband has been supportive since and that she’s the one at fault but a classic symptom of depression is blaming yourself and thinking everyone hates you and you deserve to be hated.

Personally, I wouldn’t have behaved that way towards my wife and the mother of my two children but we all do/say things we regret. Plus I’m not married, so what do I know, ha. But fear of that kind of reaction is exactly why people end up keeping these kinds of secrets and letting things spiral.

sourcrates

Anyway, back to the actual debt.

50k is a substantial amount of money, you will likely need an insolvency solution here.

I`m a bit reluctant to advise bankrupcy, simpley because the OR may determine you have a beneficial interest in the house, and that could be a problem.

Certainly do not borrow more money, you will be "in hock" to someone for ever doing that, i would suggest possibley an IVA, or, depending on what your disposable income will realistically be, self managing a debt mangement plan, where you retain control.

fatbelly

sourcrates said:

Anyway, back to the actual debt.

50k is a substantial amount of money, you will likely need an insolvency solution here.

I`m a bit reluctant to advise bankrupcy, simpley because the OR may determine you have a beneficial interest in the house, and that could be a problem.

Certainly do not borrow more money, you will be "in hock" to someone for ever doing that, i would suggest possibley an IVA, or, depending on what your disposable income will realistically be, self managing a debt mangement plan, where you retain control.

Check with Debt Doctor. There's an  established rule in bankruptcy that 'interest follows title'. That means that if the house is and always has  been in the name of the OP's partner, then the OP has no established interest in the property from a bankruptcy point of view.
.
Most advisers get nervous at this point but in 20 years I've never seen any change from this position and I suspect Debt Doctor has more experience than me.

ohdearhowdidthathappen

enthusiasticsaver said:

ohdearhowdidthathappen said:

elsien said:

On a completely random change of topic, ohdearhowdidthathappen have you changed your username, because if so I think I preferred the older version.

Yes, I had to change as someone complained to MSE about the use of profanity in my old one.  Sad times 
I preferred the old one too, much more accurate 

Really?  Some people are just far too precious. Did MSE suggest you change it or just alert you to someones objection?  Why on earth would someone pick on a user name of all things to complain about? 

MSE emailed me and said I had to change my username as they'd had a complaint and they don't allow the use of profanity on the boards.  I had to email them a couple of name change options and then they swapped it. I was a bit 'really?!' as I liked my old name, but whatever, done now... was trying to think of a witty alternative, but couldn't