Just wondering....

onwards&upwards

How can his family dislike you if they have never met you?  

Are you sure its not him they dislike?  And perhaps for a very good reason! 

This doesn't sound like the kind of relationship you can comfortably grow old in knowing that you can depend on each other and not have to worry about the future. 

thorsoak

Were I in your shoes, I would keep both sides completely separate - tell him that if you die, he will have no rights to your home, that it will be divided immediately between your own children.   That is what is happening to his assets.   In the meantime, enjoy life as it is, but make it clear to him that he must make his own arrangements should he need help/care as he gets older - that you will not be responsible for caring for him, and that you will not expect him to be responsible for caring for you.

chelseablue

As others have advised, I wouldn't have him stay living in your house if you die first. I would leave it to my children 

Mojisola

I would also be sorting out POA and making my children my attorneys rather than him. 

pphillips

lovehedgehogs said:

pphillips said:

Ask him if he wants to get married, then you will know for sure how invested he is in the relationship.

Omg. Really? If he said yes that would open up a whole load of problems......I don’t think he would say yes but actually I definitely definitely don’t want to! I just want some recognition as his partner. Thank you for reading though! 

Okay then, I don't know what kind or recognition you want and I don't think you do either - otherwise you would be able to ask him for it.

unholyangel

lovehedgehogs said:

Good evening.  Don’t shoot me down!  I wonder what you think. I have been with my partner for 4 years. I’m in my 50s he’s 10 years older.   He lives in my house. I have quite a big mortgage. I have a full time job. He is semi retired lots of health problems. Very healthy pension pot so is able to fully retire if he wishes. We are both divorced. We both have 2 grown up children. I pay all the bills including food and he gives me £100 a week. Recently we had a conversation about updating wills. (Very sensible). I asked him would he like to stay in (my) house until he passes away as this is his home too. He owns his dads house. His dad is 88. He said he would probably go and live with his dad if his dad is still around, if not he would move into the house. I said and what about if anything happens to you. He said phone my daughter she will sort everything. His children and ex wife really really dislike me. I have had a mouthful from said daughter. Obviously I have never met any of his family. I’m not worried. But what has unhinged me - is he actually doesn’t give 2 hoots what happens to me should he pass away. As he gets older, and may have more health problems it has crossed my mind that I may have to look after him - yet he has kept me very very separate from what happens if he passes away and afterwards. He is not going to win any awards for father of the year he left the children when they were very young. He has been self employed for 30 years. He uses his ex wife’s tax code as she is his partner in business on paper only, but he pays her national insurance, she doesn’t work but she will get a state pension albeit she hasn’t contributed. When the self employed got a payout a few weeks ago with the government scheme, they both got about £2000 each - she is a partner on paper only.  So she is looked when she reaches retirement , his children will inherit his 2 houses and healthy pension. So I feel slightly short changed. I have a decent mortgage, good health, no debts, I work hard, but I feel he has half a foot invested in our relationship. If you have got this far - I applaud you!  I might mention he is not registered at (my) house because he is in this partnership he is registered at his ex wife’s house. However I do pay full council tax as he is here 7 nights a week. Any thoughts???  Don’t shoot me down - I didn’t break up some happy family, they divorced 15 years ago. I am not after his money I feel he only has half a foot invested in this relationship. I don’t have savings or much pension, but I keep my head above water. Thank you. 

Sounds very much like your partner is committing tax fraud, if you are saying he is declaring earnings for her that she is not actually receiving. Also, the last line in bold about not being registered at yours because he has to be registered at the ex-wifes due to the partnership is nonsense - he can change it easily but if he was keeping all his partnership/accounting records & documentation there then it should be the registered address for his partnership. If he is living with you then his licence & v5 should be to your address. Addresses held by other parties (banks, retailers etc), it would be a choice for him which address he wanted to use. 

Tbh, it sounds like your partner is more vested in his previous marriage than he is his current relationship with you. But personally, the fraud would be too big of an issue for me. 

lovehedgehogs

onwards&upwards said:

How can his family dislike you if they have never met you?  

Are you sure its not him they dislike?  And perhaps for a very good reason! 

This doesn't sound like the kind of relationship you can comfortably grow old in knowing that you can depend on each other and not have to worry about the future. 

They probably think I am after his money/their inheritance. I know categorically they dislike me and never want to meet me. He is only allowed to see his grandchildren if I’m not around. I am actually quite a decent well brought up person with good manners.....,😊

lovehedgehogs

unholyangel said:

lovehedgehogs said:

Good evening.  Don’t shoot me down!  I wonder what you think. I have been with my partner for 4 years. I’m in my 50s he’s 10 years older.   He lives in my house. I have quite a big mortgage. I have a full time job. He is semi retired lots of health problems. Very healthy pension pot so is able to fully retire if he wishes. We are both divorced. We both have 2 grown up children. I pay all the bills including food and he gives me £100 a week. Recently we had a conversation about updating wills. (Very sensible). I asked him would he like to stay in (my) house until he passes away as this is his home too. He owns his dads house. His dad is 88. He said he would probably go and live with his dad if his dad is still around, if not he would move into the house. I said and what about if anything happens to you. He said phone my daughter she will sort everything. His children and ex wife really really dislike me. I have had a mouthful from said daughter. Obviously I have never met any of his family. I’m not worried. But what has unhinged me - is he actually doesn’t give 2 hoots what happens to me should he pass away. As he gets older, and may have more health problems it has crossed my mind that I may have to look after him - yet he has kept me very very separate from what happens if he passes away and afterwards. He is not going to win any awards for father of the year he left the children when they were very young. He has been self employed for 30 years. He uses his ex wife’s tax code as she is his partner in business on paper only, but he pays her national insurance, she doesn’t work but she will get a state pension albeit she hasn’t contributed. When the self employed got a payout a few weeks ago with the government scheme, they both got about £2000 each - she is a partner on paper only.  So she is looked when she reaches retirement , his children will inherit his 2 houses and healthy pension. So I feel slightly short changed. I have a decent mortgage, good health, no debts, I work hard, but I feel he has half a foot invested in our relationship. If you have got this far - I applaud you!  I might mention he is not registered at (my) house because he is in this partnership he is registered at his ex wife’s house. However I do pay full council tax as he is here 7 nights a week. Any thoughts???  Don’t shoot me down - I didn’t break up some happy family, they divorced 15 years ago. I am not after his money I feel he only has half a foot invested in this relationship. I don’t have savings or much pension, but I keep my head above water. Thank you. 

Sounds very much like your partner is committing tax fraud, if you are saying he is declaring earnings for her that she is not actually receiving. Also, the last line in bold about not being registered at yours because he has to be registered at the ex-wifes due to the partnership is nonsense - he can change it easily but if he was keeping all his partnership/accounting records & documentation there then it should be the registered address for his partnership. If he is living with you then his licence & v5 should be to your address. Addresses held by other parties (banks, retailers etc), it would be a choice for him which address he wanted to use. 

Tbh, it sounds like your partner is more vested in his previous marriage than he is his current relationship with you. But personally, the fraud would be too big of an issue for me. 

Absolutely! This is what I mean. I am not up-to-date about tax things, but something isn’t right, and this self employed grant made me uneasy. I claimed it for him and one day he came in and asked me to claim it for her as she doesn’t have a computer. I said that isn’t my problem. Anyway for a peaceful life I did it. I made a claim to line her pockets. For the next claim, I assure you I will not be filling out the form for her. And you have hit the nail in the head. My partner is more invested in his previous life than with me. Thank you very much. You’ve been able to articulate my thoughts! 

pphillips said:

lovehedgehogs said:

pphillips said:

Ask him if he wants to get married, then you will know for sure how invested he is in the relationship.

Omg. Really? If he said yes that would open up a whole load of problems......I don’t think he would say yes but actually I definitely definitely don’t want to! I just want some recognition as his partner. Thank you for reading though! 

Okay then, I don't know what kind or recognition you want and I don't think you do either - otherwise you would be able to ask him for it.

And unholyangel above has nailed it! I don’t want marriage I want more than half a foot invested. Both feet! 😊

lovehedgehogs

thorsoak said:

Were I in your shoes, I would keep both sides completely separate - tell him that if you die, he will have no rights to your home, that it will be divided immediately between your own children.   That is what is happening to his assets.   In the meantime, enjoy life as it is, but make it clear to him that he must make his own arrangements should he need help/care as he gets older - that you will not be responsible for caring for him, and that you will not expect him to be responsible for caring for you.

I told him if anything happens to him health wise I’ll put him in a taxi to return him to his beloved offspring. 🤨

FreetodoasIlike

Your relationship is fairly new (for you to be considering letting him stay in your home if you died before him, I mean). You asked him if he wanted to stay in “your” house if you died first and he told you that he would probably live with his father or his father’s house if he wasn’t around. I am slightly confused. You said that his children will inherit “two” houses. I am assuming that you mean that his children will inherit their mother’s house as well and that he doesn’t own another property, other than his father’s?  You need to protect your own children. Make is clear that if you died first (not a nice conversation to have, but, nevertheless, a sensible conversation that you’ve already had) that your children will inherit your house with immediate effect. He has indicated that he won’t want to continue to live in “your” house and he has a house to go to, so he won’t be homeless.

it sounds to me that he’s getting off quite lightly. It’s “your” house, you’re paying the mortgage and presumably all house related things - like home insurance, home improvements or any structural work that may be required in the future. He is contributing £100 a week, which in my mind, isn’t enough. Like another poster said, split the cost and ensure that he makes a fair contribution towards household bills. His children sound a bit money-grabbing to me. You said that he would hardly win “father of the year” and that he left the family home when they were quite young so it may be understandable that there may be little love lost and they want to get what they are “entitled” to. They probably dislike you, even though that they haven’t met you, because they fear for their inheritance. By the way, has your partner met “your” children? What do they think of him?  Do they like/accept him?

He is in a good position financially. He has a good pension pot, a house he owns and, if anything were to happen to him health wise in the future, the care he may need should come out his own savings/assets. With regard to his ex-wife, and the business aspect. He probably made her a “sleeping” partner for tax purposes and maybe came to some arrangement financially that, when they divorced, she would still benefit from the business (hence her receiving the Government payment) and that she wouldn’t make a claim on his pension. Has he ever discussed the terms of his divorce with you?

This is a relationship thread from a financial forum, so you were right to post under this thread. If you’re happy (and love) him and don’t want to split up, then carry on as you are but please make it clear in your will that your children will inherit your house and any assets and that any health care in the future will be funded from your partner’s assets. His children may then realise that they were stupid not to embrace you into the family - if you were subsequently to become their father’s “ unpaid carer!” Also, have a good look at all your household bills. He should be contributing half to everything, except the mortgage. £100 a week is only £5,200 a year, about £433 a month. If you got a lodger you could get at least £500/£600 a month rent in even the worst sought after areas!